Monday, December 29, 2008

Geese are the shits

PhotobucketBABY SHITS: The only thing worse than goose shit on the greens is gosling shit on the greens
"Yo G Blaze... You're out"

"Hang on phellas ... let me just use my putter to fling the goose shit out of my line."

It's a hot, sweaty day. You're with some hack acquaintances that have been pressuring you to, "go golfing sometime dude," for over a year now. Finally after offering to pay for your round, you oblige. Four holes into your round you've chopped your way to two-over, well on your way to an 81 (although the guys you're playing with are so impressed they're practically stroking you off).

It's one thing to play like shit, but at this course you have to walk on it too. What better than some goose shit to make a crappy round even more miserable. It's bad enough that the geese infest the ponds, but they also invest the fairways, feeding on the fertilized grass and hissing at you as you walk by. By the end of the round, the greenish colored shit has worked its way into the crevices of your cleats that even the most violent after round clap won't vanquish. Some of the shit has been on the greens for days and dried out leaving a permanent shit stain. Most of the dung, however, is fresh and crumbles as you try to move it often finding its way into the sight line of your $250 Scotty Cameron.

I once heard a tale that if you run a dog through a course, it will chase the geese out and they will never return. This of course is not true. It will make a flock move to a pond temporary until the coast is clear. Then they will return to the green to drop a long awaited freshy. This is why the Green Blazer Corps is establishing an organization to stop the spread of goose shit. To receive a complementary membership to GAGS (golfers against goose shit), post a comment below and help us put an end to this problem ... before it's too late.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Classic case of good cop/bad cop

The Green Blazer blazes The Mountaineer weekly. Click to Enlarge

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Stina Stern-minded on advice

Columnist detached from range hack mentality

In this month's Golf Digest, Stina Sternberg tells women golfers to "say no to advice," when approached by swing tip dispensing range hack. It seemed she was making a good point until she states that the babbling range hack would only approach women and would never offer advice to any men. People who have spent enough time on a public practice facility know this is not true.

Range hacks, the talkative ones, will give advice to anyone. They will usually gravitate towards the person who seems most accepting of the advice, but will take what they can get when they can get it. If you've been approached by a know-it-all range hack, you can be guaranteed you weren't his first, probably not even his first of the day.

If you are an obvious beginner, the range hack will take charge of the conversation confidently telling you exactly what you're doing wrong and how to fix it. He will give you the latest drill from, ironically, Golf Digest, and may even show you how it's done. The better you are, the more gingerly he will tread. He will try to initiate an open forum discussing a swing topic, surely tell you what Pelz and Butch said on the matter, and rarely demonstrate it himself.

Range hacks just love to talk about golf ... to anyone man or women. It's safe to say Stina is far removed from the chipping green chop mentality, yet most can agree ... That's a good thing.

The Blazer would be interested in hearing the readers' opinions on the motives behind advice giving on the range, so blaze a comment bros ... >

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

GREEN BLAZER GOLF SPECIAL REPORT: Piercing the blogosphere

Months ago, The Green Blazer promised to deliver blog posts every Sunday. That promise was broken a few weeks ago; for that please accept my formal apology.

My absence was, however, not due to lazin and blazin in a dazy haze. The Green Blazer's novel was put on hold following the announcement of a restructuring at Random House Publishing, the publisher backing The Green Blazer origin novel. Distraught and out of sorts, GB set out on a mission. Armed with only golf clubs and a portfolio (not to mention some other roadie essentials), The Blazer scoured the country intending to find a new publisher. The Blazer failed that mission, but the long roadie wasn't all for not. The Green Blazer is proud to announce he is now writing a weekly column in The Mountaineer, a Colorado based daily newspaper. The first piece was published on Tuesday. Click on the image to enlarge:

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Tiger, Buick a refreshing divorce

Just as Tiger was starting to convince us that we need a new Buick, the pair decides to separate in a split that was both "mutual and amicable," as described by a spokesman for GM. The partnership began in 2000 with Tiger starring in numerous Buick commercials and donning the Buick logo on his bag. And as an added bonus, Tiger also won many Buick-sponsored golf tournaments. But let's be honest, the Tiger and Buick were always an odd couple.

Tiger represents golf's new generation. Although he is a far cry from the swashbuckling, collar-popping likes of Camilo Villegas and Anthony Kim, Tiger is the undisputed leader in golf's movement towards shedding its grandpa's game reputation. When Buick brought Tiger on 9 years ago, they were hoping to follow in golf's lead and rid themselves of their own geriatric reputation.

But Tiger's effect on Buick's image wasn't as profound as his effect on golf's image, and GM did nothing to give Tiger a helping hand. Not only did they keep the product line, they further depress their own brand with dismal vehicle names like Lucerne and Enclave. They obviously need more than Tiger's influence to attract new customers,as the company's demographic has hardly changed since 2000. Buick is still best represented by the 60-plus, stuffed-shirt country club man who can be found naked in the locker rooms of Anygreen CC, USA.

GM stands to save $7 million per year by severing ties with Tiger. GM also stands to get a large portion of the $25 billion purposed for the U.S. auto industry bailout plan, assuming the big three will be able to convince congress they need the loans some time in the next few days. The U.S. Treasury, however, will not be bailing Tiger out for the $7 million per year he's losing from GM. In the next few months, bidding wars will likely ensue to see who will be the next company emblem to rest on the shoulder of Steve Williams, the caddie who rests on the shoulder of Tiger. Maybe Nike will snatch it up, or maybe it will be a new branding altogether.

For now, check the time on your Tag Heuer watch, keep the Gatorade flowing, give your scruff a Mach 3 treatment and buy a Buick. GM clearly needs the money more than Tiger.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Captures and Captions - Tommy Gainey

Since its inception in 1962, Wal-mart's slogan has never changed. The phrase, Everyday Low Prices was to follow the aggressive Wal-Mart logo everywhere it was printed. That was until a short time ago when Wal-Mart sacrificed their current logo for something a little more green. A simple flower now accompanies an anything but bold font choice. And the new slogan: Save Money, Live Better is also a greener. But the company's passion to provide the consumer with the lowest prices possible and drive surrounding businesses out of town hasn't changed.

At this weeks Children's Miracle Network Classic presented by Wal-mart, many players were hoping to stay (or get) in the top 125, so that next year their profit potential wasn't cut in half like a mom and pop shop within a 30 mile radius of a Super Wal-Mart. Nothing short of a win would secure full exemption for Tommy "Two Gloves" Gainey. A 30 on the back nine Sunday left him just one shot back of Davis Love III who captured his 20th win and a lifetime exemption on the PGA Tour.

Tommy "Two Gloves" Gainey and caddie Don "Pull the Tape Tight" Donatello celebrate Gainey's 72 hole birdie.

Captions and Captures - Ricky Barnes

MAKING A COMEBACK: Ricky Barnes finished 25th on the Nationwide Tour money list and will be playing on the PGA Tour in 09'. He picked up a contract with Zubaz in the process.

Product Review - Castle Bay Iron Covers

A hack is not complete without a fine set of Castle Bay iron covers. These covers are made of the finest molded rubber, and feature tight squeeze openings to leave you struggling and annoyed all round long. The top of the line covers feature a string to keep you from losing them, but if you do, just dig through the lost and found of any 9 hole muni to get a replacement. Castle Bay offers a wide variety of colors including black, blue, red, and of course ... green.

PERFECT UP-SELL: Attention Salesman: Castle Bay iron covers is the great addition to any 21 piece RAM set.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Real news that could pass for satire ...

WEARING THE ORANGE: A drunk and disheveled John Daly actually showing more cleavage than this Hooters model in his Mug shot with the Forsythe County Sheriff

Drunken John Daly Jailed Following Hooters Incident

Golfer 'extremely intoxicated and
uncooperative' at N.C. restaurant

Winston-Salem Police were dispatched to a nearby Hooters restaurant early the morning of Sunday, Oct. 26, in response to a medical call. When officers arrived, golfer John Daly was unconscious and being treated by emergency personnel. According to police, Daly was "extremely intoxicated and uncooperative," and was asked to leave by several workers. 

After repeatedly refusing to be transported to the hospital, Daly was taken to Forsyth County Law Enforcement Detention Center where he would stay until he sobered up ... 24 hours later.

Daly is a two-time major winner with more than 15-year career on the PGA Tour. He has openly battled alcoholism for all of his career and even admits to winning mini-tour events while drunk prior to his breakout victory at the 1991 PGA Championship. 

JD has also has battled other forms of addiction, admitting to losing between 50 and 60 million dollars gambling. Daly's fourth wife, Sherrie Miller Daly, pleaded guilty to federal drug charges in 2004  and served a five-month prison term. Then in 2007, she allegedly tried to stab Daly with a steak knife following an argument at a restaurant in Memphis, Tennessee causing him to show up for his Friday afternoon tee time at the 2007 Stanford St. Jude Championship with noticeable scratches across his face. His last PGA Tour victory came at the 2004 Buick Invitational where he won in a playoff after hitting a long bunker shot that still frequents highlight reels.

The fact that his latest incident occurred at Hooters would leave most to believe that the incident involved groping a waitress, but lucky for John's already tattered reputation, aggravated sexual contact will not be the latest addition to the charges.

Although Daly's opportunities to play on the PGA Tour will be limited, he plans to utilize every opportunity to play on the European Tour in 2009.

Golfer/Celebrity Look-alikes 9

The Green Blazer is not the first to point out the similarities in the faces of Zack Johnson and Joaquin Phoenix; however, in light Joaquin's retirement news, G Blaze thought this would be a good time for Golfer/Celebrity Look-alikes 9

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Cameron's Corner

A detailed look into Scotty Cameron's exotic putter monopoly

The Green Blazer sits in his den with and glass of port, the blue smoke from his tightly rolled billy dancing in the yellow light. He is pondering a question ...

How many people are ebaying "Scotty Cameron" at any given time? This question is difficult to answer. Based on the popularity of equipment nerd sites like bombsquad and golfwrx (who became one of the villians in The Green Blazer's rouges gallery after they booted him from their site), the number could be in the hundreds. Certainly few can afford anything they look at, likely sorting by "highest price first," and keyword searching for "prototype" or "tour only." Surely many of them scour ebay's pages for hours like a 30-year-old virgin at his favorite porn site.

Currently the most expensive Scotty Cameron putter on ebay is the "Scottydale Tour Issue 1996 Prototype" going buy it now for an even $10,000. The second priciest is the "Tour GSS Newport 2" with a welded sole, currently selling for $6800. In mid October 2008, there were 30 Cameron putters priced buy it now for $1000 or more. There were 974 Cameron putters total. No other major manufacturer has a single putter over $1000. Another notable manufacturer, Robert J. Bettinardi highest priced putter on ebay is $849. Which makes him a clear second in the business, but far from first. I guess you could call him the Phil Mickelson of the putter making business.

ON SALE: Originally this rare model was priced at $7200, so you'd practically be stealing it at $6800

Not only has Scotty Cameron (with the help of Titleist) cornered the high-end putter market, he has also created a market for exotic putter headcovers. There are currently more than 150 Cameron headcovers priced at $100 or more. Today the most expensive is $1250, that's four hundred dollars more than the most expensive Bettinardi putter. More and more headcovers flood the market daily, and Scotty provides a comprehensive list of all of them on his website, Each cover has a unique look and clever name, such as peel out purple, and hola loops. However, you cannot purchase rare covers directly from the website. Not for very long anyway. When a headcover is released, it is available to Club Cameron members first. Club Cameron is a sort of fan club for Cameron enthusiasts. It gives members access to purchasing rare Cameron items straight from the man himself before they become available in the store. Generally the Club Cameron members scoop the limited number of covers before the public has access, then these members flood ebay creating the spectacle present today. However, for very rare headcovers, Cameron does a lottery. This is how it works according to ebay seller storyteller1_us, who is selling the 2008 Gold Ryder Cup Headcover:

"They are bought from Scotty Cameron, getting a rare one like this is just the luck of the draw. You place an order for an item and if you are lucky you get a very limited edition one. I have been buying from him for about 5 years and this is the first time I have received a rare one."

1 in 10: A U.S. win helped make this one a classic. There are only 10 in existence, but more than likely, the bros at AME (the company that manufactures all Cameron headcovers) knocked out a few extra for their own personal gain.

By the way the seller decribes it, you give Scotty money, he gives you a headcover, but makes no guarantees about the model. To become a part of Club Cameron, send him $92. In addition to priority purchasing, you will receive official 2008 Club Cameron headcover, visor, a license plate frame, decal, and pin. All of which, you can sell on ebay for more than $92 total.

The Club Cameron headcover is almost as gay as the visor, which is almost as gay as the license plate frame.

Cameron doesn't stop at just putters and headcovers. He also sells exotic grips and towels going for as high as $77 and $150 respectively. There are other consistently high priced items that also happen to be backed by the Acushnet Company like Footjoy Exotic golf shoes, being sold for more than $2,000 at any given time. Expensive, even for the "finest golf shoes ever made," but there is good news: They come with a Scotty Cameron divot repair tool.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

For $100, it must be Moore than just a hat

Ryan Moore, one of a few true bros on tour (complete with long shaggy hair and facial scruff,) felt right at home this week at a tournament hosted by god among bros Justin Timberlake. Moore is best known by bros for popularizing what is known as the cadet-style hat, an instant classic in the relatively small niche of golfing bro headwear. The hat is also known as "military," "castro," "painter," "ranger," and "the hat that Ryan Moore wears."

After Moore brought the hat to the tour, ping released their own version in Moore's honor. The hat remained in the line until a short time ago; however, upon removal, the ebay price skyrocketed to some going for as high as $100. This indicates a lingering demand among bros. Ping will likely recognize this soon, and reintroduce a new version of the hat to their line causing the price of all Ping cadet hats to return to reasonable levels.

PhotobucketThe demand for the hat should remain high as long as Moore continues to wear it, although it seems he has forgone the cadet hat and went for the tennis sweat guard headband instead.

This could throw a crucial variable in the equation, as bros may now label Moore a total douchebag, thereby devaluing the cadet hats without a reintroduction from Ping. In order to keep tabs on this one, you'll have to continue to study the golf equipment/attire boards at ebay like a dateless GolfWRX message board groupie on a Saturday night. Have fun.

You know the course is a dump when...

They threaten removal for stealing or playing with range balls

Thanks to GB Corps member John Stone who sent us this pic

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tiger plotting to one up Jordan's unimpressive baseball career

We've all heard tales about the incessant ball busting between Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan. They're friends, but use every opportunity to zing one another in an effort to validate their most dominating athlete label. Upon hearing the jaw-dropping news that Micheal Jordan will be the assistant's assistant at the 2009 President's Cup, Tiger will reportedly take it up a notch and try his hand in baseball before returning to golf. He took this move straight from MJ's bag of tricks, mirroring the Hanes underware model's stint with the White Sox in the '90s. Tiger can be seen scouting at Sunday's Dodgers/Phillies game.

Phil's looming career as an actor

Phil Mickelson had a role in tonight's episode of the HBO hit show Entourage, as "freakishly tall golfing partner."

Phil's weight-loss strategy for the role was to simply elongate himself, thereby distributing his weight more evenly throughout his colossal frame. Plus, his agent negotiated for him to only appear alongside actors he was at least 2 feet taller than.

Congratulations Phil, after this Entourage appearance you've really developed a certain stature as an actor.

Speak of the Week - The Pro Lag

This glorious speak of the week submitted to us by Blazercorps member Chris.

"For most golf pros, especially the golf "proseph;" (golf pro who is also a broseph,) by the time you're on your eleventh straight day of 5 a.m. shifts out there it can get old real quick. If you need an afternoon pick-me-up and the crappy pro shop coffee isn't doing the trick, sometimes the occasional "pro-lag" is in order. Follow these steps:

- Score yourself some herb, (there's probably plenty flowing around the caddy barn)

- Find a group to pair up with for a couple holes

- When you see an opportunity, dip back behind your group in a casual lag fashion. Let them get way up there and take their shot, while you sneak yourself a few rips of the good stuff.

As stated by a respected proseph, "If you've been working too hard to even play a round, you pretty much owe it to yourself to blaze a round. That's what I always say."

And that's what we always say too. Thanks, Chris. Not just for your brilliant speak-of-the-week contribution, but to all you've given the sport. You and the rest of you overworked and underpaid pros and prosephs out there can have a pro-lag on the Blazer this week.

PREZ LAG: Bush most likely pro-lagged before this classic sound byte.

Monday, October 6, 2008

DHL - What a bunch of racist bastards

Racist DHL golf commercial

This new DHL commercial that takes place out on a golf course has been getting quite a bit of play during the MLB playoffs on TBS.

The Green Blazer was able to get a hidden tape of the marketing meeting where this donkey was hatched, and it's ugly. The recording was even crappier than our crappy recording of the commercial, but we can make out the end pretty clearly. Basically, the marketing guys at DHL are total racists.

Picking up around minute 35 of the ad brainstorming session ...

Ad guy 1: Well, it sounds like a great spot, but the only problem I see is how are we going to be able to convince the viewer this slacker employee, call him Bob, is not on a nice golf course the first time we see him.

Ad guy 2: We'll have him dressed in non-golf attire.

Ad guy 1: No, that's not going to work, numbnuts. He has to look nice or he wouldn't've been able to get on the course to begin with.

Ad manager: (sighing) Well, let's take a break, everyone, and think this one through.

Ad guy 4: (leaves first, then runs back in and slams door) I'VE GOT IT!!!

Ad guy 1: For christsake, what do you got man?

Ad guy 4: I know how we can make him have the right attire but also make the viewer assume this person is anywhere but a golf course in the first shot!

Ad guy 1: Well goddamnit what is it?

Ad guy 4: ... We make him black.

20 seconds of silence later...

Everyone in room: (massive cheers) whooo hooooo hoooooo!

Ad guy 1: It's brilliant!

Ad manager: Run it boys, that's a rap. Begin casting for a black guy in a golfer's vest asap and I'll see you fellas tomorrow. Great meeting everybody, keep up the good work. This one's a hit!

LAUGHING AND CHEERING: The scene in the DHL ad meeting when the savvy team figured out how to make the viewer assume the slacker is not on a golf course the first time we see him: By making him black. 

Sunday, October 5, 2008

TaylorMade's line sparse in '09

Now only 7 to choose from

TaylorMade has decided to get stingy with their driver line in 2009. Currently they offer 12 different models, but will soon be scaling back to a meager, yet lucky, seven. The nerds at GolfWRX have not responded well to this news so far. TaylorMade's chinciness has caused an uproar on the boards, and WRX's tireless moderators are scrambling to calm the masses. Below is a list of the super streamlined lineup for '09:

Burner (NEW [that's right, another one already])
Burner TP (NEW)
r7 Limited (NEW)
r7 CGB Max
r7 CGB Max Limited (NEW)
Burner Draw (NEW)
r7 Draw

In 2010, TaylorMade plans to combine all 7 remaining drivers into one.
The R7 CGB Superquad Tour Burner TP Draw (looks very similar to the r7 460) . The prototype is available for $1999 on Ebay.

Speak of the week - Paging Dr. Wayright

Next time your playing partner shoves one out to the right (and he's not raging pissed about it), call out, "Paging Dr. Wayright." 60% of the time this one works ... Everytime.

OTHER FAKE DOCTORS: They are not doctors, but they play one on TV

You know the course is a dump when ...

You know the course is a dump when ... There is a sign keeping hacks, armed with 30' long ball retrievers, from cleaning out the Pinnacle infested ponds.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Mickelson's Callaway shirts are Tailor Made

The 2008 season on the PGA Tour is now over. Given he has the motivation, Phil Mickelson will most certainly resume his rigorous training regime that started in the off-season 2007. Mickelson's body went through quite the transformation since the days when his man boobs rivaled that of bitch tits from Fight Club, but just because the 2008 Phil Mickelson has more defined muscles than the Phil we are used to, doesn't mean he should drop a shirt size ... Or does it? After all, he's only adhering to the standard rule among frat boys: The bigger your guns get, the smaller the shirt should be.

HIDING THE FLAB: Here Mickelson's shirt hits him on the forearm, concealing his flabby biceps.

NO MORE BREASTS: Here Phil dropped at least a shirt size after losing some of the flab. Now he strategically has the the arms of the shirt hitting him mid-bicep like the rest of the bros on tour.

Guns are also the subject of our latest product review ...

Product Review: Rangefinders, it's best to get your gunz

The Blazer has got a piece of advice to anyone in the market for a rangefinder (who isn't a complete hack): Get Your Gunz!

+/- 15 yards - Although they say +/- 1 yard, two people with the same device standing on the same spot, often get completely different yardages.

Precision not necessary - Who wants distance to the pin, when you can have it to the center of the green?

The gift that keeps on giving you bills - Not only do you have to pay to upload new courses (assuming they have the course you want), you have to pay a yearly subscription fee also.

Overwhelming least favorite among tour caddies and top amateurs - Rangefinders are now allowed in almost every tournament outside of a major tour. Most professionals use rangefinders outside of competition, and every caddy carries one during practice rounds. With that said, you will never see a tour caddy or top amateur using a SkyCaddie.

The Bushnell Pinseeker 1500 Tournament Edition is the most widely used. It retails for $400. Don't buy the slope edition; it's illegal for tournament play and kind of stupid. A good alternative is the Bushnell Medalist. It's smaller and lighter and retails for $300. The only real difference between the Medalist and the 1500 is the magnification is less on the medalist, but they work pretty much the same.

A product from Bushnell is your best bet.

Nikon/Callaway are also good, but no need to buy a Callaway product when you don't have to. It's probably best to stay away from LaserLink. Most models only work if the flagstick has a reflector. Not only that, but you will look and feel gay when shooting your yardage.

LIMP WRISTED: Yes he does feel gay shooting yardage with a Laserlink.

Note: If you're a bro with little cash reserves, losing your gun can be devastating. You should help to reduce the risk by putting a label on it with your name and phone number. You might also want to put a brightly colored sticker on it so it stands out in the shadows of the golf car's front compartments. The chance of losing your rangefinder goes up dramatically after smoking the greens. Which is why you might want to take some advice from the title of The Blazer's next post ...

No Smoking on Greens

While seducing a young filly on the mini golf course, the Blazer stumbled across this sign that gave us good laugh. Due to the rules of the facility, we had to wait until we got back in the blazermobile to smoke on the greens ...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Raymond Floyd grabs a hold of the celebration

Boo Weekley eloquently described the feeling the players had prior to teeing off for the Ryder Cup singles matches on Sunday afternoon:

"I feel like a dog that somebody done stuck a needle to and it juiced me up like I been runnin around a greyhound track chasin one of them bunnies."

Raymond Floyd even more eloquently described the feeling the players had after winning the cup in this week's

Captures and Captions -- Video

Raymond Floyd Crotch Grab

HIGH FIVE: Floyd keeps his celebrating between him and little Floyd.

Henrick Stevenson ... Stevens

Bush isn't the only president who makes a fool of himself when speaking. Former PGA of America President M.G. Orender embarrassed himself and the PGA when he brutally mispronounced Henrick Stenson's name prior to the afternoon match on Saturday. A former PGA of America President shouldn't have to read a card to identify Henrick Stenson ... especially if he has trouble reading.

Henrick Stevenson ... Stevens

OUCH: The PGA of America's former prez stumbles over the extremely difficult to pronounce name "Stenson", pronounced St-en-son. Even the happy-go-lucky announcers couldn't hide M.G. Orender's shame.

You know the course is a dump when ...

G Blaze would like to thank Green Blazer Corps member Jake for sending us this pic that gave birth to a new segment: You know the course is a dump when ...

There is a permanently installed mat in the drop area.

Other good indicators are the spray painted cart path and the dropper's athletic shorts.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Andrew Giuliani is a little bitch part 2

Andrew Giuliani was lucky enough to be paired with Tiger Woods at the 2001 Buick Classic Pro Am. He was also lucky enough to get a spot on Duke's golf team. Now it is time for him to quit being a little b*tch and hang up the spikes already.

This week Duke University attorneys (who--between the infamous Duke LaCrosse Case, the female football player lawsuit (yes, Duke football is so bad even girls can make the team) and now this--must be the most overworked college attorney team in the nation) moved to see claims dismissed in the Giuliani case, saying the spoiled little bastard is a total douchebag and deserved to be kicked off the golf team.

“Andrew Giuliani is entitled to no more privileges than any other member of the Duke University student body,” the Sept. 10 filing says. "Put simply, Giuliani had no right to play varsity golf; he had an opportunity for the privilege to be part of a team, one ... that he squandered through his own conduct.''

That conduct included "throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach," according to The Associated Press.

Perhaps Jim Rome put it best when he said "Nothing says 'gentlemen's sport' like chucking an apple at another guy's face ... I mean the guy did everything except say 'Do you know who I am?'"

And we know exactly who he is, the son of a former New York City mayor and presidential candidate. But the credential that sheds the most light on why little Andrew would think to file a lawsuit in the first place is what his father was before any of that: A lawyer. Go figure.

Hopefully the case is thrown out and we'll finally hear the last of Andrew Giuliani's golfing career.

Rudy Giuliani, long estranged from his son Andrew, probably thinks Andrew is a little bitch as well.

Dog Pisser Lie

Speak of the Week - The next time one of your playing partners finds himself in a similar situation to the one below, tell him that's a nice dog pisser lie he's got there.




*Keep this joke alive by voting for Jeb in 2012

Alice got played

The Green Blazer wants to deliver a strong message to any hack who still uses the following phrases:

"Nice Putt Alice"
"Did it get caught in your skirt?"
"Does your husband play golf too?"
"You hit it with your purse"

These phrases are no longer funny. They're more played out than Top Flight XLs at a corporate outing. However, there is one situation where it is still acceptable to use "Nice putt Alice," yet only a select few are lucky enough to golf with Alice Cooper.

NICE PUTT ALICE: Alice Cooper's long putter may get caught in his skirt.

thanks for the pic Getty

ALSO PLAYED OUT: Alice in Wonderland sleeve tattoos are a favorite among psilocybin indulging brosephs.

thanks for the pic brah

In a perfect place

In the October edition of Golf Magazine, Dr. Joe Parent says that happiness on the course is the key to lower golf scores -- much lower.

We are hoping that Parent's article provides some evidence of what a certain population of weed smoking golf caddies and other brahs have been convinced of for years: their golf game shows flashes of brilliance after blazing a bowl of the bubonic chronic. It's safe to assume Joe Parent's parents didn't raise him to be a marijuana advocate, but his happiness study begs the question ... is it possible marijuana enhances performance on the golf course?

Cannabis is currently listed on the PGA's banned substance list, so either the PGA thinks performance enhancement is possible, or they are big supporters of the war on drugs and are helping the pointless and expensive struggle of trying to eliminate the evil plant off the face of the Earth. Either way, you can bet some touring professionals were disappointed (maybe devastated) when they found out rippin' an after round billy of the sticky icky isn't an option. Johnny Miller even jokingly hinted that players were more likely to test positive for THC than steroids.

Even if weed doesn't directly enhance your golf game, golfing while blazed can teach us all a valuable lesson: Your mood might be more important than your coordination. As one brah so eloquently put it, "After I rip it, I'm just in a perfect place out there." Until next time ... Find your perfect place and keep the greens ablaze.

Despite what Joe Parent says about happiness on the course, most will agree that a blunt the size of Carl Spackler's will not help your game. And neither will cannonballing your hits with booze.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sunday Smorgasbord

Ryder Cup picks have Monty making his 'O' face

This year will mark the first year since 1989 that the Ryder Cup will be played without Colin Montgomerie. Monty and his lofty fade have produced a 20-9-7 lifetime Ryder Cup record, which is impressive to all (except, of course, non-Euro-American golfers, who could give a shit less).

After the captain's picks were released, a reported "war of words" erupted between Ian Poulter and Colin in a west London restaurant. Both the golfers' managers deny the claim, saying it was completely made up.

Monty's O-face is not one of pleasure, but rather disgust after failing to receive a captain's pick for this year's Ryder Cup.

As promised, The Green Blazer is back this Sunday with another blazin' hot edition of

Speak of the Week:

The son-in-law shot: Not what you pictured, but you'll take it.

The next time you hit a shot that didn't come off the way you planned but ended up pretty good, bust out the above line. This one works especially well if you are an middle aged man with a recently married daughter like Jack (Robert De Niro), pictured below. And it's even funnier if your new son-in-law's name is Gaylord Focker.


Although they look strikingly similar, the face on the left is a professional golfer. The right, a Hollywood movie star. Green Blazer Golf is asking readers to

Name that mug

Submit your guesses by commenting to this post. The first correct guess will receive a free subscription to the upcoming Green Blazer Golf Comic Book/Variety Magazine.* But make sure to get those picks in today, faithful readers, because the contest ends next week with the release of the full faces in the weekly Smorgasbord.

*subscription does not necessarily mean 12 issues

And finally, with all this recent talk of drilling in ANWR, remember to make your voices heard in this election season. Help protect the pristine landscape of the American wildlife refuge from pumpjacks, oil rigs and diesels. Work to spare those open fields, dense patches of trees, challenging slopes with slight dog legs and large patches of fescue. After all, that area would be perfect for a couple of sweet golf courses!

Think about the future, people!

Until next week ...

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Stachetacular Sunday Smorgasbord

The Bryants aren't hiding their stash

Mike Weir may have gotten rid of his beard for this week's Deutsche Bank Championship, but the Bryants will be damned if they're getting rid of their mustaches ... Ever.

DICKSWEEPERS FOR LIFE: Officers Bart (left) and Brad Bryant represent a very small group of mustache wearing professional golfers. And no one rocks the stash quite like a Bryant.

Captures and Captions continues with another pic from the Deutsche Bank Championship, this time of JB Holmes' wife. Rumor has it she will be the feature of an upcoming jam from golf rappers The Golf Ballerz, after the authors of the following blog urged them to sample from Mos Def's Ms. Fat Booty.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT: JB Holmes' wife breaks spectator-cell phone policy, but dutifully follows JB's junk-in-the-trunk-required policy.

Moving on, the Green Blazer was amazed recently to hear the new Star Wars movie was doing poorly in theaters. But not quite as amazed as he was to hear a new Star Wars movie was in theaters. In a move that critics say will surely boost sales, the Green Blazer has hereby released the much-anticipated

Celebrity Golf Lookalike 8

Speak of the Week was created by The Green Blazer as a way of giving something back to the fans. The gift was to help our worldwide base of English-speaking readers increase their swagger on the golf course by using golf speak that only the most experienced country club Romeo knows.

In the very first Speak of the Week segment, the Blazer told to us to forgo saying fade and say cut, or cutter, instead. Well, apparently The Blazer's got a thing or two to learn about golf swagger. Tiger Woods, after reading The Blazer's Speak of the Week segment, recently decided to one-up the Blazer and give back as only Tiger can. With the help of EA Sports, he out zinged us to the point we're bleeding ...

Speak of the Week - Bleeder

Ouch! Stay tuned for next Sunday, when the Blazer will add yet another flame to Tiger's fiery golf vernacular.

Until then, fellow readers, keep those greens ablaze!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sunday smorgasbord

Dougherty is dropping birdies

While he was definitely gunning for birdies during an opening round 62 at the Barclays this week, Hunter Mahan wasn't the only hunter playing golf on Thursday. Englishman Nick Dougherty got a favorable kick off a seagull off the ninth fairway at the KLM Open in Holland. The injured bird started to fly away but eventually fell from the sky.

EPGA Tour officials were then forced to club the spasming gull to death with a nine iron they borrowed from Justin Rose in order to put the poor creature out of its misery.


Thursday review (now on Sundays)
The Odyssey Marxman X-Act -- Step aside Ping Chippo

Due to the overwhelming number of chops using generic chippers, Odyssey decided it was time to release a chipper for the duffers that like to hack it up using brand name equipment. Brilliantly designed and crafted from the finest materials, the Odyssey Marxman X-Act puts all other chippers to shame. Golfers everywhere have eagerly waited for the club's release, reserving it at their local proshop months in advance.

Odyssey (Callaway) is now employing the scarcity principle--limiting to the supply to keep the demand consistent in a move reminiscent of Nintendo's strategy with the Wii. Rumors are circulating that Odyssey will soon be releasing a tour version that is 3 degrees stronger and 1 degree open. Let's take a look at some of the features.

The ball on ball technology used in the face insert keeps the ball on the club face a fraction of a second longer, measurably increasing the chances of a double hit, but looking "white hot" cool.

Extra wide lines on top help you to obtain an extra wide focus.

A bullseye on face, the international symbol for "aim here!" Great for the golfer who also enjoys a game of darts.


While "Bullseye" might soon become the new hack slang for a well hit shot with the X-Act, it isn't mainstream golf slang just yet. This is ...

Speak of the Week

Beach Party anyone? Next time you hit it in the same bunker as someone else in your group say, "It looks like we're about to have a beach party everybody." From there there's a million cheesy directions you can go, from "Did you bring your sandals?" to "hopefully there's some sexy sunbathers there too."

NOT A GOOD THING: Beach parties in golf are not always fun. Beach parties in life are usually fun until you pass-out and your friends bury you in sand. Take a look at this bro in South Padre Island, Texas. ABC News photo.


Last week the Blazer promised our followers the debut of a new advice column based on the new wave of inquisitive fan mail that's been pouring into Blazer HQ. Many of you may have thought the Blazer was bullshitting, as it can sometimes be hard to tell. This week, for instance, the line about PGA Tour officials clubbing the seagull to death with a nine iron was pure bullshit.

But the Green Blazer wasn't bullshitting last week when he said he was debuting a Dear Blazer column this week, just like he hasn't been bullshitting about the upcoming Green Blazer comic book/variety magazine, new and improved Web site, tee shirt line, cartoon, concept album, and video game. A movie and action figures will most likely follow.

So here it is ...

Dear Blazer,

I play at the same course every day and there is this cart girl who is extremely hot. I totally want to hook it up with her, but just can't seem to get anything going. Any suggestions?


Missing the Sweet Spot,
Atlanta, Ga.

Hello Missing; thanks for reading. You've definitely come to the right place. If you actually follow the Blazer's advice, it will work--so read carefully:

Cart girls are used to getting pimped by every dirty old man and drunk outing hack on the golf course. They are also used to seeing possible suiters, like you, that don't understand how to create attraction (or are too big of pussies to try). How do you catch her attention? By distinguishing yourself from the flock.

While the direct approach (yoyo baby, you fine, let me holla at ya) may work in certain situations, this situation (like bartenders, exotic dancers, or other occupations where being hit on is part of the culture,) requires an indirect approach. This is especially true if this is a course you frequent because you've got all the time you need. By using a series of playful jabs and cocky one-liners you can create attraction quickly. You need to convey a message that says, "Hey, I'm no stranger to hot chicks. If you want to impress me, you're going to have to show me something more than a nice wax job on your spray-tanned thighs." Get her to take interest in you, and it will get much easier.

For example, the other day the Green Blazer was approaching a cart path convergence area at the same time as the hottest cart girl at the club. Now, faced with this situation, ninety percent of the other chumps on the course would have stopped their cart and politely let waved her through, saying something like "Oh you go ahead," or "excuse me." Many chumps wouldn't even say anything at all in lue of a timid smile and wave. In this case the cart girl would then proceed, many times without so much as an acknowledgment of this chump's presence. The Blazer, instead, said with a sly smile and an air of sarcasm, "Hey now, you wait your turn," and went in front of her like someone of high stature and importance might do without thinking twice. While women, especially of the hot variety, all seem to claim they want someone who's "nice," they will all pass over someone who's nice for someone who's important.

Good luck loyal Blazer reader. Keep us informed of your progress.

NO CHANCE: Don't be like this guy. Having your buddy take a picture of you next to the cart girl will flatter her, but certainly won't build attraction