Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Green Blazer's journal

Green Blazer journal, sometime in the future...

They other day began much the same as any other. I awoke, enjoyed a cup of my special greenblazer tea made from st. andrews elephant grass and afganhi sativa, and began practicing my short game by hitting barefoot out of a bunker made of burning hot coals. I was just about to break for my afternoon Iron Byron massage (a massage in which an iron byron machine fires balls at your muscles from point blank range) when I got a phone call on my special greenblazer phone, which is rare because only Natalie Gulbis, Alice Cooper and my butler have the number and they all know better than to call me when I'm practicing.

"Hello, Blazelair. Yes, I will hold for Mr. Nicklaus."

It was Jack Nicklaus, probably wanting to reminisce on the days when we used to have a regular foursome with Ted Koppel and Bruce Lee.

"Hey GB, remember that one time you tried to hit over that dog leg and ended up burning down an entire forest?"

I was right. God, Jack Nicklaus can be so annoying these days.

"Yeah I remember Jack. At least I saved everyone from the blaze, you and bruce lee just sat there laughing it up like you were members of a live studio audience."

"We were Greeny B, or have you already forgotten your ugly little foray into bad ‘60s television."

He was right. They were members of a live studio audience for that miserable silver age Green Blazer television show. Fucking Jack Nicklaus and his constant reminiscing.

"How did you get this number?"

"Former President George W. Bush gave it to me, he said you told him he could give it out in an emergency."

At that moment I remembered about the time I traded President Bush my special blazenumber in exchange for the greatest golf joke of all time. But I was certain he couldn't have remembered it, or could he? We were playing a special match at the Camp David course as a part of his request in his first executive order. This was early in the term when I still responded to executive orders, before he started calling me there every time he needed a laugh, which ended up averaging out to a trip every three minutes or so toward the end. Early in the match I realized that he only had the capacity to harbor one thought at a time, when he forgot my name after I told him the joke about the pope and Si Re Pek. Upon hearing this joke he doubled over onto his hands and knees on the tee box and laughed for about three hours, before demanding that I tell him another. To shut him up I told him what I thought was the greatest golf joke of all time, but that only made him ask for and another, and another, and another, and it was getting really embarrassing because he was still on his hands and knees and he kept calling me "masterful blazer," which is normal, but in between his laughing all you could really hear was "master-er." When I was all out of jokes he told me there was one I didn't know and that he could make Rich Beem tell it to me in exchange for my emergency Blazenumber. I was so surprised that Rich Beem could possibly know something about golf that I didn't that I gave him the number without a moment's hesitation. He had Beem promptly sent to Guantanomo and tortured until he eventually gave up the joke, which turned out to be the first joke I had told to the president to get that whole thing started. "You can only call that number in emergencies," I told him, and he responded "I'll be the decider of what constitutions an emergency. Now watch this drive."

"Fine, Jack, what's the emergency," I finally asked Jack Nicklaus after he had been on hold for like 45 minutes while I thought about that first time I went golfing with former President George W. Bush.

"I'm having a clone of my former self made to play in a scramble against Tiger Woods, Jaquline Gagne and Kim Jong Ill, and I need to you to make sure nobody tries to interfere with it at the match."

Another goddamn clone? Jack Nicklaus just can't seem to get over his former self. This was like the 74th clone he's had made of himself since Tiger won the two grand slams in a row and passed him up in major tournaments won.

"Why would somebody try to interfere with the match?" I asked, certain Nicklaus was just paranoid again.

"Let's just say there is, I don't have to tell you everything."

I was starting to get the feeling Nicklaus wasn't telling me everything.