Sunday, September 28, 2008

Mickelson's Callaway shirts are Tailor Made

The 2008 season on the PGA Tour is now over. Given he has the motivation, Phil Mickelson will most certainly resume his rigorous training regime that started in the off-season 2007. Mickelson's body went through quite the transformation since the days when his man boobs rivaled that of bitch tits from Fight Club, but just because the 2008 Phil Mickelson has more defined muscles than the Phil we are used to, doesn't mean he should drop a shirt size ... Or does it? After all, he's only adhering to the standard rule among frat boys: The bigger your guns get, the smaller the shirt should be.

HIDING THE FLAB: Here Mickelson's shirt hits him on the forearm, concealing his flabby biceps.

NO MORE BREASTS: Here Phil dropped at least a shirt size after losing some of the flab. Now he strategically has the the arms of the shirt hitting him mid-bicep like the rest of the bros on tour.

Guns are also the subject of our latest product review ...

Product Review: Rangefinders, it's best to get your gunz

The Blazer has got a piece of advice to anyone in the market for a rangefinder (who isn't a complete hack): Get Your Gunz!

+/- 15 yards - Although they say +/- 1 yard, two people with the same device standing on the same spot, often get completely different yardages.

Precision not necessary - Who wants distance to the pin, when you can have it to the center of the green?

The gift that keeps on giving you bills - Not only do you have to pay to upload new courses (assuming they have the course you want), you have to pay a yearly subscription fee also.

Overwhelming least favorite among tour caddies and top amateurs - Rangefinders are now allowed in almost every tournament outside of a major tour. Most professionals use rangefinders outside of competition, and every caddy carries one during practice rounds. With that said, you will never see a tour caddy or top amateur using a SkyCaddie.

The Bushnell Pinseeker 1500 Tournament Edition is the most widely used. It retails for $400. Don't buy the slope edition; it's illegal for tournament play and kind of stupid. A good alternative is the Bushnell Medalist. It's smaller and lighter and retails for $300. The only real difference between the Medalist and the 1500 is the magnification is less on the medalist, but they work pretty much the same.

A product from Bushnell is your best bet.

Nikon/Callaway are also good, but no need to buy a Callaway product when you don't have to. It's probably best to stay away from LaserLink. Most models only work if the flagstick has a reflector. Not only that, but you will look and feel gay when shooting your yardage.

LIMP WRISTED: Yes he does feel gay shooting yardage with a Laserlink.

Note: If you're a bro with little cash reserves, losing your gun can be devastating. You should help to reduce the risk by putting a label on it with your name and phone number. You might also want to put a brightly colored sticker on it so it stands out in the shadows of the golf car's front compartments. The chance of losing your rangefinder goes up dramatically after smoking the greens. Which is why you might want to take some advice from the title of The Blazer's next post ...

No Smoking on Greens

While seducing a young filly on the mini golf course, the Blazer stumbled across this sign that gave us good laugh. Due to the rules of the facility, we had to wait until we got back in the blazermobile to smoke on the greens ...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Raymond Floyd grabs a hold of the celebration

Boo Weekley eloquently described the feeling the players had prior to teeing off for the Ryder Cup singles matches on Sunday afternoon:

"I feel like a dog that somebody done stuck a needle to and it juiced me up like I been runnin around a greyhound track chasin one of them bunnies."

Raymond Floyd even more eloquently described the feeling the players had after winning the cup in this week's

Captures and Captions -- Video

Raymond Floyd Crotch Grab

HIGH FIVE: Floyd keeps his celebrating between him and little Floyd.

Henrick Stevenson ... Stevens

Bush isn't the only president who makes a fool of himself when speaking. Former PGA of America President M.G. Orender embarrassed himself and the PGA when he brutally mispronounced Henrick Stenson's name prior to the afternoon match on Saturday. A former PGA of America President shouldn't have to read a card to identify Henrick Stenson ... especially if he has trouble reading.

Henrick Stevenson ... Stevens

OUCH: The PGA of America's former prez stumbles over the extremely difficult to pronounce name "Stenson", pronounced St-en-son. Even the happy-go-lucky announcers couldn't hide M.G. Orender's shame.

You know the course is a dump when ...

G Blaze would like to thank Green Blazer Corps member Jake for sending us this pic that gave birth to a new segment: You know the course is a dump when ...

There is a permanently installed mat in the drop area.

Other good indicators are the spray painted cart path and the dropper's athletic shorts.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Andrew Giuliani is a little bitch part 2

Andrew Giuliani was lucky enough to be paired with Tiger Woods at the 2001 Buick Classic Pro Am. He was also lucky enough to get a spot on Duke's golf team. Now it is time for him to quit being a little b*tch and hang up the spikes already.

This week Duke University attorneys (who--between the infamous Duke LaCrosse Case, the female football player lawsuit (yes, Duke football is so bad even girls can make the team) and now this--must be the most overworked college attorney team in the nation) moved to see claims dismissed in the Giuliani case, saying the spoiled little bastard is a total douchebag and deserved to be kicked off the golf team.

“Andrew Giuliani is entitled to no more privileges than any other member of the Duke University student body,” the Sept. 10 filing says. "Put simply, Giuliani had no right to play varsity golf; he had an opportunity for the privilege to be part of a team, one ... that he squandered through his own conduct.''

That conduct included "throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach," according to The Associated Press.

Perhaps Jim Rome put it best when he said "Nothing says 'gentlemen's sport' like chucking an apple at another guy's face ... I mean the guy did everything except say 'Do you know who I am?'"

And we know exactly who he is, the son of a former New York City mayor and presidential candidate. But the credential that sheds the most light on why little Andrew would think to file a lawsuit in the first place is what his father was before any of that: A lawyer. Go figure.

Hopefully the case is thrown out and we'll finally hear the last of Andrew Giuliani's golfing career.

Rudy Giuliani, long estranged from his son Andrew, probably thinks Andrew is a little bitch as well.

Dog Pisser Lie

Speak of the Week - The next time one of your playing partners finds himself in a similar situation to the one below, tell him that's a nice dog pisser lie he's got there.




*Keep this joke alive by voting for Jeb in 2012

Alice got played

The Green Blazer wants to deliver a strong message to any hack who still uses the following phrases:

"Nice Putt Alice"
"Did it get caught in your skirt?"
"Does your husband play golf too?"
"You hit it with your purse"

These phrases are no longer funny. They're more played out than Top Flight XLs at a corporate outing. However, there is one situation where it is still acceptable to use "Nice putt Alice," yet only a select few are lucky enough to golf with Alice Cooper.

NICE PUTT ALICE: Alice Cooper's long putter may get caught in his skirt.

thanks for the pic Getty

ALSO PLAYED OUT: Alice in Wonderland sleeve tattoos are a favorite among psilocybin indulging brosephs.

thanks for the pic brah

In a perfect place

In the October edition of Golf Magazine, Dr. Joe Parent says that happiness on the course is the key to lower golf scores -- much lower.

We are hoping that Parent's article provides some evidence of what a certain population of weed smoking golf caddies and other brahs have been convinced of for years: their golf game shows flashes of brilliance after blazing a bowl of the bubonic chronic. It's safe to assume Joe Parent's parents didn't raise him to be a marijuana advocate, but his happiness study begs the question ... is it possible marijuana enhances performance on the golf course?

Cannabis is currently listed on the PGA's banned substance list, so either the PGA thinks performance enhancement is possible, or they are big supporters of the war on drugs and are helping the pointless and expensive struggle of trying to eliminate the evil plant off the face of the Earth. Either way, you can bet some touring professionals were disappointed (maybe devastated) when they found out rippin' an after round billy of the sticky icky isn't an option. Johnny Miller even jokingly hinted that players were more likely to test positive for THC than steroids.

Even if weed doesn't directly enhance your golf game, golfing while blazed can teach us all a valuable lesson: Your mood might be more important than your coordination. As one brah so eloquently put it, "After I rip it, I'm just in a perfect place out there." Until next time ... Find your perfect place and keep the greens ablaze.

Despite what Joe Parent says about happiness on the course, most will agree that a blunt the size of Carl Spackler's will not help your game. And neither will cannonballing your hits with booze.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sunday Smorgasbord

Ryder Cup picks have Monty making his 'O' face

This year will mark the first year since 1989 that the Ryder Cup will be played without Colin Montgomerie. Monty and his lofty fade have produced a 20-9-7 lifetime Ryder Cup record, which is impressive to all (except, of course, non-Euro-American golfers, who could give a shit less).

After the captain's picks were released, a reported "war of words" erupted between Ian Poulter and Colin in a west London restaurant. Both the golfers' managers deny the claim, saying it was completely made up.

Monty's O-face is not one of pleasure, but rather disgust after failing to receive a captain's pick for this year's Ryder Cup.

As promised, The Green Blazer is back this Sunday with another blazin' hot edition of

Speak of the Week:

The son-in-law shot: Not what you pictured, but you'll take it.

The next time you hit a shot that didn't come off the way you planned but ended up pretty good, bust out the above line. This one works especially well if you are an middle aged man with a recently married daughter like Jack (Robert De Niro), pictured below. And it's even funnier if your new son-in-law's name is Gaylord Focker.


Although they look strikingly similar, the face on the left is a professional golfer. The right, a Hollywood movie star. Green Blazer Golf is asking readers to

Name that mug

Submit your guesses by commenting to this post. The first correct guess will receive a free subscription to the upcoming Green Blazer Golf Comic Book/Variety Magazine.* But make sure to get those picks in today, faithful readers, because the contest ends next week with the release of the full faces in the weekly Smorgasbord.

*subscription does not necessarily mean 12 issues

And finally, with all this recent talk of drilling in ANWR, remember to make your voices heard in this election season. Help protect the pristine landscape of the American wildlife refuge from pumpjacks, oil rigs and diesels. Work to spare those open fields, dense patches of trees, challenging slopes with slight dog legs and large patches of fescue. After all, that area would be perfect for a couple of sweet golf courses!

Think about the future, people!

Until next week ...