Monday, December 31, 2007

Movie Monday - Mike Weir: Biggest Duck Hook Ever

Mike Weir, embarrassed after biggest duck-hook ever, stares down driver like it's faulty. It's reminiscent of a chop blaming his hackiness on his equipment. "It went like that."

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Satire Saturday - Hair growth drug targets Jim Furyk as face of wealthy young balds

Today Jim Furyk announced that Propecia will join Srixon and Exelon as official sponsors for the ’08 PGA tour season.

The third ranked golfer in the world said he was excited about the new relationship with Propecia. "At first I wasn't very thrilled that I was being targeted by male pattern baldenss, or, I mean, by propecia for male pattern baldness," said Furyk. "But now that I've finally just accepted it it's made my life a lot easier." The deal will require the construction of a specialized hat for Furyk, which will be branded in the specific areas that male pattern baldness occurs (vertex area of the head and the lateral sides of the forehead).

A spokesman at Merck, the pharmaceutical company that has the rights to the Propecia trademark, said they have a comprehensive program for Furyk and the trademark. “We have a whole system worked out to get Propecia involved in Jim’s life,” said the spokesperson.

In addition to displaying the name brand on the pattern baldness areas of his hat during tournament play, they have worked the deal so Jim will receive a daily dose of 4mg (as opposed to the usually prescribed 1mg) to “show off the drug’s capabilities,” according to the spokesperson.

About targeting Jim Furyk, the Merck spokesman said “Lets face it … most golfers are older males, and older males struggle with balding. Jim is the perfect person to represent Propecia. Besides being one of the winningist players, he might also be the baldingist player on the PGA Tour.”

Initially Furyk was all for Merck’s total life plan. In fact, Furyk mentioned his personal confidence becomes dashed on the rare occasions he is seen hat removed. His only reluctance appeared when he heard claims that Propecia was known to cause erectile dysfunction. His mind was put at ease when he heard Merck's official response to the claims. According to the pharmaceutical giant, the underperforming men in the tests "probably couldn’t achieve an erection anyway."

Monday, December 17, 2007

Movie Monday - Tiger Waits on a Fumbling Patraig Harrington

Tiger gives Padraig Harrington the classic, "Hurry the f*ck up pose" as Padi and his caddy frantically fumble around taking a drop near the lateral hazard. Padi, along with Rory Sabbatini's bitchass, who withdrew for personal reasons (he was hacking) , might find their invitation to next year's Target World Challenge lost in the mail...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Green Blazer Voted Coolest New Golf Blogger

The Hooked on Golf Blog recently voted to be the coolest new golf blog of 2007.

Thanks for the article, and some props back to you, HOG, for your foresight in those matters of URL claim staking. Unfortunately one of G Blaze's Arch Enemies has already snatched the aforementioned URL, no doubt tipped off by the notoriety of your published observation. You have some villains in your readership, HOG; but no worries, The Green Blazer understands it's nothing personal. Alas, in a world where superheroes exist, there will always be supervillains trying to thwart them.

Nonetheless it's to no matter, as The Green Blazer had something more apt and poignant already pre-registered at the time of the unsolicited yet much appreciated recognition from "about the fourth golf blog ever created," as self-proclaimed in the generous and well-crafted journaling.

Thanks, hookedongolfblog, for your recognition. Like Steve Stricker winning, "comeback player of the year" twice consecutive, The Green Blazer will be looking forward to your vote for coolest new golf blog of 2008 as well.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Introducing Satire Saturday

Woods' Self Sufficiency Drives Swing Coach Into Depression

It has been reported that Hank Haney, swing coach of Tiger Woods, has slipped into a severe state of depression over the last few months. Woods has backed off his time spent with Haney this off-season, apparently causing an emotional breakdown in the usually stable Haney.

“It’s just not fair,” said a sobbing Haney in a recent interview. “I treat him so good; why do we need to take these breaks?”

Woods said he was surprised to hear his swing coach was taking the separation that seriously. “I thought we had an understanding that this was just a break,” he said.

This coming from a number one golfer who is no stranger to relationship problems. Who can forget the superstar's separation from world-renown instructor Butch Harmon, a train wreck that finished about as smooth as the mud-packed face of a hacker's PureSpin "Diamond Faced" sand wedge. Butch was able to dampen the sting by acquiring Phil Mickelson, the world's number two, but apparently the number two isn't big enough to fill the void Tiger left. Harmon himself even said “The empty space never gets filled when you lose the precious, or, I mean, something that precious.”

According to Woods, the relationship with Haney was growing stagnant and a little space this off-season was needed. "As I've said, this is just a break," reiterated Woods. "It's not him, it's me."

This should be good timing for Haney, whose ailing wife is in need of nurturing at this time, but Haney seemed to feel being on the range with Woods was more important. "My wife, she's family, but not as much as Tiger has become my family. And nothing's more important than family ... Even if he doesn't always realize it."

Woods has made it clear on several occasions that Haney was still his teacher. Haney's paints a different picture, however, suspecting Woods may have been seeing another swing coach prior to requesting the separation. Woods called the allegations “Ridiculous.”

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Robert Allenby and Ian MacCallister Lead Voice Against Party Hole Concept

At this year's Australian Open, they are throwing out golf's traditional "quiet please" atmosphere and instead are trying to capture the ambience of a drunken social gathering. The 11th hole at Australia's national tournament will feature a fully stocked bar, loud music, and an MC whose sole mission is to pump up the crowd. Robert Allenby (along with lead traditionalist against Titleist's NXT golf ball, Ian MacCallister) lead the group of in opposition to the party concept. Despite their efforts, Golf Australia is embracing the idea. The players themselves have also been generally accepting of the initiative, just so long as the noise from the gallery is consistent.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Movie Monday: Fore Inventors Only Confrontation

The Blazer "Firmly Believes" Steve Duemig hated this guy from the get go...

Monday, December 3, 2007

Movie Monday - Vijay is a Bad Ass

Rick Lerner peed his pants immediately following the interview

Friday, November 30, 2007

Trump will Build the World’s Greatest Golf Course Somewhere Other than Aberdeen

Donald Trump’s plot for world domination took a step backward yesterday as his proposal to build the world’s greatest golf course (along with 1500 homes and a hotel) was shut down by members of the infrastructure committee. The vote went seven for the proposal and seven against, but committee chairman Martin Ford scored in overtime by using his casting vote to reject the bid. Many members of the community in favor of big business development in environmentally safe areas were outraged by the decision. One resident went so far as to assault a liberal councilor who opposed the project. Ms. Storr described the incident by overusing the term “hurl abuse.”

"I heard a banging on the door and when I opened it there was a woman standing there who proceeded to hurl abuse at me.

"She was very angry it had been refused and continued hurling abuse at me.

"I asked her who she was and if she would moderate her language. She told me who she was, but she did not moderate her language. She continued hurling abuse at me.”

When the abuse hurler became annoyed by Storr’s smugness, she hurled even more abuse by cursing at Storr and shoving her. The only hurl abuse the Green Blazer sees is himself wanting to hurl after hearing Storr's abuse of the term.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Movie Monday - Golf Gods Givith, then Takith Away

No one said Golf Gods had to be fans of Christians ...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Satire - Even Tommy Armour III won’t sign with Tommy Armour

Tommy Armour Golf's notoriety has been on a gradual downslide since the days the 845 was a tour favorite. It's gotten so bad that the brand can't even sign Tommy Armour himself. After the release of the Hywood, the equipment company decided to make one last ditch effort to sign their main man. Although the deal guaranteed him nearly double what he gets now, TAIII didn't take the bait. He said his game is somewhat unstable as it is, and using second-rate equipment may make it worse. When the equipment company pointed out that the deal wouldn't require TAIII to use Armour equipment, just where the hat, TAIII responded by saying, "None the less...I still don't want to be associated with that sort of underperformance." He also mentioned that it doesn't make sense selling out to a lesser quality company for more money at this point in his career.

Bravo to Tommy Armour for leading the stand against unsatisfactory equipment. He receives the Green Blazer Keepin it Real Award '07


Monday, November 5, 2007

Dick Johnson Thrusts His Way to Victory

Despite not being the longest, Dick Johnson definitely had the best stroke at the Nationwide Tour Championship last weekend as he rhythmically pounded the field at the Barona Creek Golf Club.

Stamina intact, Johnson wasn’t spent after a quadruple bogey on Saturday, and Dick continued to get it in the hole under par as he rode the leaderboard on top, giving a big "In your face," to anyone who ever doubted the larger-than-life Johnson.

According to a former caddy and washer of Dick Johnson’s balls, “Dick Johnson may be really swinging well right now, but there’s no doubt his extra stiff shafts and large club head have helped raise his game.”

Friday, October 19, 2007

Robert Garrigus: Former Green Blazer. His 28" putter isn't the only thing that makes him unique

Robert Garrigus is unique on the PGA Tour player for more than one reason. There's his 28 inch putter. Six inches below the new standard length of 34"(See video below. What a horrible putt!).

The 28" putter lands Garrigus T78 in the tour's putting average, but he hits it a green mile and is safe for next year at 77th on the money list.

Before finishing 2nd at Q school in 2006, Garrigus was a typical college bro who enjoyed smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol whenever possible. He admits to getting stoned up to 10 times a day and frequently getting black out drunk. He sure wasn't in PGA tour form in those daze, but this Blazer is sure he was having a good time. This went on for years; until one day, in a drunken stoned-out haze, he decided to make his pipe dream a reality. He was posted up on his couch watching a golf tournament, and thought, "I should be out there." Soon after that, he checked himself into rehab. After checking out, he turned his full attention to golf. He certainly means business now, but the next step for Robert is to chalk up the all important "W" to prove he's here to stay. When he does record that first win, The Green Blazer has a hunch he stashed away a little something for that all important victory bowl.

You Da Man Garrigus! Good luck in '08

Monday, October 15, 2007

George McNeill says "Ya Know" 12 times

With his first PGA Tour victory coming at the Frys this weekend, George McNeill has certainly learned how to play in front of the camera. Now he just needs to learn how to speak in front of one.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Green Blazer Is Always Attracting . . .

Green Blazer Corps member Raymond from California sent us this photo with the caption "The Green Blazer is always attracting the pussy."

Thanks Raymond.
Crude, but, hilarious. Just what the Green Blazer's looking for . . .
Mail your contrubutions to

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Happy 18th Birthday, Michelle Wie. What better way to celebrate than participate in a repackaged Skins Game?

Two weeks ago Superhero Columnist the Desert Rat ( made a great point about the fading (lack) luster of the Skins Game. He suggested that, in the absence of big names like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, perhaps an all-women format could reinvigorate an essentially meaningless November golf event that gets killed in the television ratings by Saturday college football games and Sunday NFL games.

Not only does The Green Blazer agree with The Rat, he demands further action: let's turn it into a real Skins game and have these beautiful ladies not only win Skins but lose clothes along the way. The LPGA has admittedly taken its sex appeal up a notch. The ladies could end up in bikinis, and if one were to lose yet another hole, she could either opt to cut her losses and quit, or plunge into the nearest body of water and keep playing.

With Michelle Wie recently turning 18, what better way to celebrate than by participating in the ultimate Skins Game threesome with Natalie Gulbis and Paula Creamer?

Ok Ok… just kidding. This will never happen, but with 74 percent of all golfers being male, the last article of clothing coming off at the real Skins Game would be the rating’s socks. Until that time, I guess it's just another Green Blazin' pipe dream.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Tiger: First the Barclays and now the Baptism

Tiger Woods reportedly missed his daughter's baptism for a charity golf event in California recently. Maybe this article from The Onion isn't so phony after all . . .

Sunday, October 7, 2007

For a great story about armless golfer George Utley check out this report on

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Hunter Going for the Quick Kill

As most people already know, Barbara Nicklaus was responsible for Woody Austin's goggles march the day after he fell into the water.

Since then, Barbara has been known as the new prankster in the golf world, and she’s making sure to live up to that reputation. She claimed another victim the week of The President’s Cup, but this story seemed to sneak under the radar. 25 year old Hunter Mahan was on the receiving end of another practical joke by wacky Barbara Nicklaus, but it wasn’t all shits and giggles to Hunter:

Barbara then made her way up to Hunter’s room at the scheduled time of his meeting with the mystery suitor. She left a doll she called Monique by the door. She then knocked on Hunter's door and quickly slipped around the corner snickering to herself. It was reported that Hunter was unsettled by the event. "He didn't take that too good, I don't think," said Scott Verplank following the incident.

Hunter was probably embarrassed after being duped. From his view, Mrs. Nicklaus is just trying to help him get some action on the down-low. Now it’s public news that Hunter wants the a quick score. The Blazer is sure Hunter learned his lesson and won't try to get an easy lay ever again. Way to go Barbara … pfft

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Nick Faldo's E-monument to Me

The other day The Blazer stumbled across Nick Faldo's website while trying to get information on Faldo's history with the now PGA-banned substance "beta blocker." While it's not uncommon to see a golfer with an official website, there is something unusually egomaniacal about From And it isn't the dissolving Faldo photo reel, or the sub-head about Faldo entitled "The Man," or the Nick Faldo Fan Club, or even the fine selection of Faldo wines. It's the fact that the site is narrated in a first person format, so instead of it looking like someone designed a promotional site about Nick Faldo, it looks like Faldo built himself a "monument to me" in cyberspace.

On the home page alone, Faldo makes more than 25 references to himself using the words "me," "myself," or "I." That's compared to less than 10 Tiger Woods references on Woods' home page, and Woods' is much less "conspicuously-proud-of-myself" third person. And as you would have guessed, none of Faldo's monologues involved any reflection on his history with beta blockers. But The Blazer did find several other little nuggets he thought he'd share.

Under subhead "The Man," (below the dissolving Nick Faldo photo library, to the left of the giant photo of Nick Faldo), and on the Faldo Enterprises diary, you will find some great first person Faldoisms, including "I also enjoy a lot of the female singers" and "We ended up at a huge glacier and took a trip across the ice in a snow-mobile."

Below is a list of Nick Faldo snippets that The Blazer pasted from these sections.

"I am actively involved with several charities"

"I commentated for the Pebble Beach Pro-Am"

"I've got a genuine passion for course design"

"I've been through every international time-zone there is"

"I'm destined to work with the best that the fairer sex has to offer the sport"

"my daughter, Georgia went for a couple of hours horse-riding"

"We ended up at a huge glacier and took a trip across the ice in a snow-mobile"

"I even had a word with Tiger"

"I like Australia"

"I also like the Californian area"

"I can't recommend Iceland enough"

"I had a break from commentary at the beginning of February to head out to China for the first Faldo Series Asia grand final, which was played over my own course design"

"I also managed to find time to visit Reykjavik Golf Club for the inaugural Faldo Series Iceland championship ... I turned up as a bit of a surprise to watch the last few holes"

"I often wonder what it would be like to be a professional sportsman outside of golf ... I like the fact that you are in an arena"

"I should have been a footballer"

Whew! All that and still no mention of the beta blockers. As it turns out, it was another Nick who was using beta blockers(hint - Two in a row 1994. hint 2 - "what is the _ _ _ _ _ of that item"). And that Nick was prescribed the substance for a heart condition. Now let's put the focus back on Faldo (I'm sure he would want it that way). Here is a picture of what Nick Faldo would look like if he was struggling to get off the shit.

If Nick was to need further help, he should contact Robert Garrigus. There is a different drug that is now be tested also that could help Faldo to ease the transition -Robert Garrigus is a former green blazer

If any players do test positive for an illegal drug next year, it is more likely it will be Garrigus' drug of choice rather than steriods, beta blockers, or any other now illegal substance. Afterall, all golfers love the euphoria they get from hitting the greens.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Groove Review

We are now officially in the off season, and the groove debate has resurfaced once again. The USGA has still not made an official ruling on which grooves will be made illegal, but The Green Blazer thought he would give a quick groove review of the different kinds of grooves in golf today.

Square Grooves - A nonspecific term that includes both U grooves and Box grooves, and eventually, maybe even Y grooves.

Box Grooves - Form right angles at the top and bottom of the groove, and the only groove in the groove review that is presently illegal.

U Grooves - Square at the top of the groove. Identifiable by a curved "U" at the bottom of the groove

V Grooves - Grooves that come to a triangular point at the end, limiting the amount of spin the ball receives

Y Grooves - "V grooves" that square off at a specific deepness to form the shape of a Y

Smooth Grooves - Sensual assortment of R & B and soul music from Rhino Records, available in 12 volumes

Monday, October 1, 2007

Jenni Carlson on Fat Golfers: The Pot Calling the Kettle Black?

By now I'm sure we've all heard about Oklahoma coach Mike Gundy ripping the head off a newspaper columnist from the Oklahoman before shitting down her throat. In case you still haven't seen it, check it out below. Notice how he implies that this columnist is fat and unlovable by playing up the fact that she doesn't have any children. As he makes threatening gestures in the her direction, we can't help but wonder "Who is this writer who was able to inspire such hatred in Gundy?" The camera never pans over.

Her name is Jenni Carlson, in the video below she is doing a bit on Tiger Woods, who she obviously wants to father the children Gundy criticizes her for not having. After seeing her and watching the video The Blazer is starting to realize what Gundy found so annoying. At one point she takes a pot shot at golfers for using golf carts and having beer guts, to which The Blazer responded by thinking "Oh no she dih ent." I believe the proverbial phrase for that would be "The pot calling the kettle black."

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Trump to Scotland: The world's greatest golf course and I'll even include an unnecessary, unwanted little town

The Donald is attempting to take his experience in multimillion dollar golf course development overseas. He missed out on the public debate over his sudden interest in Scotland this week in Aberdeen; however, he spoke via a recorded video before the debate began. If his plan goes through, he will build what he calls, "The world's greatest golf course," in an environmentally safe area in Scotland just north of Aberdeen. Oh and by the way, along with the golf course comes 1500 homes and hotel that's so large Trump would likely describe it as "The Rosie O'Donnell of hotels."

If this development happens, The Blazer is sure the course will be impressive and send even the most tightfisted Scots reaching for their wallets. But the greatest in the world? The Blazer says not likely. What's more realistic is the image-savvy Trump has attached a sexy handle to the course to bring attention towards it and away from the 450 room hotel and small city of residences--the real moneymakers. If Trump's ambition is to build the world's greatest golf course, The Blazer recommends he takes all the energy he's applying to residential development and use it to secure his course a spot in the British Open rotation.

Out here in Blazeland TGB could give a puff whether this development is built or not. It's safe to assume that this course will never be the world's greatest, but if it does ever make its way to the top of that prestigious list, G Blaze is sure that live aerial shot from the British Open would look better without 1500 little boxes on the Scottish hillside.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Ghetto Copyrighting

Because his zingers are so blazin' hot, The Green Blazer has decided to use eblogger's time & date logging system to copyright some of his best one-liners. So to those of you plagiarizing artists/writers/comics out there, (I'm looking right at you, Carlos Mencia,) don't even think about coming here for the money material.

The following zingers belong to The Green Blazer, ghetto copyrighted right here and now.

Raw-blog style - Edgy commentary with which The Blazer has graced the golf blogosphere. From's "Who is The Green Blazer?"

To bring the zing, or bringing zingers - The means by which The Blazer has captivated the on-the-level brosephs of the golf world. From's "Who is The Green Blazer?"

To get Retief's goose - To irritate or annoy South African golfer Retief Goosen, from The Green Blazin Blog - "Smooth Old-Fashoined Player Suggests ..."

The ten-member golfroid blacklist - A Seinfeldian interpretation of Gary Player's assertion that ten people on the PGA are using performance enhancers. (As we all know he didn't "name names.") From The Green Blazin Blog - "Smooth Old-Fashoined Player Suggests ..."

Tiger Woods' instigating bicep - What The Blazer suggested may have started the Gary Player steroid controversy. From The Green Blazin Blog - "Smooth Old-Fashioned Player Suggests ..."

Inching - A term, coined by The Green Blazer, which refers to the act of marking one's ball on the green, then replacing the mark with the ball in a spot closer to the hole than its original position. From The Green Blazin Blog - "On Inching - Nairn GC Shows World an Inch is as Good as a Mile"

BITCH - An acronym for Ban Inching Through Cooperated Heckling, a movement started by The Green Blazer to raise awareness of the global war on inching. From The Green Blazin Blog - "Ban Inching Movement Sweeps Globe"

The ol' sober-up-on-the-way-to-the-station-trick - A technique drunk drivers use to buy themseves more time to shave decimals off their BAC by forgoing a field breathalyzer test for a blood test back at the station. From The Green Blazin Blog - "Golf Cart Drunkenness - Bill Murray might have a DUI coming"

The tackle heard 'round the world - A fierce back body drop administered by Peter Jacobson to a streaker at the 1985 British Open. From The Green Blazin Blog - "Peter Jacobsen’s Lifted Clubs - Suspects Revealed

The George Lopez Chrysler Classic - Spoof name The Blazer's alter-ego The Desert Rat used to draw attention to the incipient phase-out of the late Bob Hope from his own tournament. "First it's the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic with George Lopez, then it's The Bob Hope and George Lopez Chrysler Classic, and before you know it it's just 'The George Lopez Chrysler Classic.'" From The Desert Post Weekly newspaper's December 7, 2006 column "The George Lopez Chrysler Classic"
Who the hack is [insert name of relatively unknown '07 Skins Game competitor here]? - Question The Green Blazer's alter-ego The Desert Rat suggested is on the minds of fairweather golf fans who still look forward to hearing which players will comprise the elite Thanksgiving foursome. From The Desert Post Weekly newspaper's August 23, 2007 newspaper column "The Skins Game - Give It Up Already" also featured on: The Desert Rat's Blog

The Montys we love to hate - American phrase The Green Blazer coined to describe both The Simpson's Monty Burns and golf's Colin Monty. From The Green Blazin Blog - "Colin Montgomerie is Above the Law"

U.S. Hope'n - Spoof name The Green Blazer's alter-ego The Desert Rat used to describe the 2007 Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, which played more like the US Open due to blustery conditions. From The Desert Post Weekly newspaper's January 25, 2007 column "Even Rabbit Ears Didn't Let You See U.S. Hope'n" also featured on The Green Blazer's Myspace page

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Rare Glimpse of Gigantic Super Stroke Prototype Grip

The Green Blazer used his connections to score this exclusive look at a prototype version of the Super Stroke putter grip . . .

Colin Montgomerie is Above the Law

Despite the fact that Colin Montgomerie is adored by golf fans in Europe, his aloof attitude toward American golf spectators surely hasn't given him a fan-favorite reputation here in the states. Between him and the Simpsons' Mr. Burns, the name "Montgomerie" is regarded with a sort of comedic disdain in the US (although The Blazer appreciates Monty Burns' taste in jackets).

As far as Colin Monty is concerned, his majorless career and unwillingly adopted nicknames such as "Mrs. Doubtfire" seem to have added even more coals to his already red-hot temper. There is one habit that helps Monty neutralize his irritation, however: speeding.

Actually speeding, then using his influence to avoid a ticket, as it seems Monty has crafted his legal hurdling almost as masterfully as his lofty fade.

Back in September of '04, Monty was busted driving 96mph near his home in Surrey. The case colapsed after the officer failed to appear in court. Then on February 24, '07, he was caught again (on camera) doing 88 in a 70 zone. This time the case was reported as "not called" after local authorities in Surrey failed to document the incident until after the six month time limitation . . . oops.

Like a round well played with Alastair McLean's help, Monty wasn't able to pull his legal birdies off alone. He enlisted the help of the ever-crafty shyster Nick Freeman. Freeman specializes in using subtle legal technicalities to get celebrity clients off the hook when they're caught disobeying the rules of the road. Apparently he's also helped Sir Alex Ferguson and David Beckham get acquitted of driving offenses. Damn, where was this guy when Paris Hilton needed him?

The Blazer wonders, for legendary greens keeper Carl Spackler's sake, can he be of any assistance in golf cart DUIs?

Green Blazin' Blog: Bill Murray Golf Cart DUI