Sunday, August 31, 2008

Stachetacular Sunday Smorgasbord

The Bryants aren't hiding their stash

Mike Weir may have gotten rid of his beard for this week's Deutsche Bank Championship, but the Bryants will be damned if they're getting rid of their mustaches ... Ever.

DICKSWEEPERS FOR LIFE: Officers Bart (left) and Brad Bryant represent a very small group of mustache wearing professional golfers. And no one rocks the stash quite like a Bryant.

Captures and Captions continues with another pic from the Deutsche Bank Championship, this time of JB Holmes' wife. Rumor has it she will be the feature of an upcoming jam from golf rappers The Golf Ballerz, after the authors of the following blog urged them to sample from Mos Def's Ms. Fat Booty.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT: JB Holmes' wife breaks spectator-cell phone policy, but dutifully follows JB's junk-in-the-trunk-required policy.

Moving on, the Green Blazer was amazed recently to hear the new Star Wars movie was doing poorly in theaters. But not quite as amazed as he was to hear a new Star Wars movie was in theaters. In a move that critics say will surely boost sales, the Green Blazer has hereby released the much-anticipated

Celebrity Golf Lookalike 8

Speak of the Week was created by The Green Blazer as a way of giving something back to the fans. The gift was to help our worldwide base of English-speaking readers increase their swagger on the golf course by using golf speak that only the most experienced country club Romeo knows.

In the very first Speak of the Week segment, the Blazer told to us to forgo saying fade and say cut, or cutter, instead. Well, apparently The Blazer's got a thing or two to learn about golf swagger. Tiger Woods, after reading The Blazer's Speak of the Week segment, recently decided to one-up the Blazer and give back as only Tiger can. With the help of EA Sports, he out zinged us to the point we're bleeding ...

Speak of the Week - Bleeder

Ouch! Stay tuned for next Sunday, when the Blazer will add yet another flame to Tiger's fiery golf vernacular.

Until then, fellow readers, keep those greens ablaze!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sunday smorgasbord

Dougherty is dropping birdies

While he was definitely gunning for birdies during an opening round 62 at the Barclays this week, Hunter Mahan wasn't the only hunter playing golf on Thursday. Englishman Nick Dougherty got a favorable kick off a seagull off the ninth fairway at the KLM Open in Holland. The injured bird started to fly away but eventually fell from the sky.

EPGA Tour officials were then forced to club the spasming gull to death with a nine iron they borrowed from Justin Rose in order to put the poor creature out of its misery.


Thursday review (now on Sundays)
The Odyssey Marxman X-Act -- Step aside Ping Chippo

Due to the overwhelming number of chops using generic chippers, Odyssey decided it was time to release a chipper for the duffers that like to hack it up using brand name equipment. Brilliantly designed and crafted from the finest materials, the Odyssey Marxman X-Act puts all other chippers to shame. Golfers everywhere have eagerly waited for the club's release, reserving it at their local proshop months in advance.

Odyssey (Callaway) is now employing the scarcity principle--limiting to the supply to keep the demand consistent in a move reminiscent of Nintendo's strategy with the Wii. Rumors are circulating that Odyssey will soon be releasing a tour version that is 3 degrees stronger and 1 degree open. Let's take a look at some of the features.

The ball on ball technology used in the face insert keeps the ball on the club face a fraction of a second longer, measurably increasing the chances of a double hit, but looking "white hot" cool.

Extra wide lines on top help you to obtain an extra wide focus.

A bullseye on face, the international symbol for "aim here!" Great for the golfer who also enjoys a game of darts.


While "Bullseye" might soon become the new hack slang for a well hit shot with the X-Act, it isn't mainstream golf slang just yet. This is ...

Speak of the Week

Beach Party anyone? Next time you hit it in the same bunker as someone else in your group say, "It looks like we're about to have a beach party everybody." From there there's a million cheesy directions you can go, from "Did you bring your sandals?" to "hopefully there's some sexy sunbathers there too."

NOT A GOOD THING: Beach parties in golf are not always fun. Beach parties in life are usually fun until you pass-out and your friends bury you in sand. Take a look at this bro in South Padre Island, Texas. ABC News photo.


Last week the Blazer promised our followers the debut of a new advice column based on the new wave of inquisitive fan mail that's been pouring into Blazer HQ. Many of you may have thought the Blazer was bullshitting, as it can sometimes be hard to tell. This week, for instance, the line about PGA Tour officials clubbing the seagull to death with a nine iron was pure bullshit.

But the Green Blazer wasn't bullshitting last week when he said he was debuting a Dear Blazer column this week, just like he hasn't been bullshitting about the upcoming Green Blazer comic book/variety magazine, new and improved Web site, tee shirt line, cartoon, concept album, and video game. A movie and action figures will most likely follow.

So here it is ...

Dear Blazer,

I play at the same course every day and there is this cart girl who is extremely hot. I totally want to hook it up with her, but just can't seem to get anything going. Any suggestions?


Missing the Sweet Spot,
Atlanta, Ga.

Hello Missing; thanks for reading. You've definitely come to the right place. If you actually follow the Blazer's advice, it will work--so read carefully:

Cart girls are used to getting pimped by every dirty old man and drunk outing hack on the golf course. They are also used to seeing possible suiters, like you, that don't understand how to create attraction (or are too big of pussies to try). How do you catch her attention? By distinguishing yourself from the flock.

While the direct approach (yoyo baby, you fine, let me holla at ya) may work in certain situations, this situation (like bartenders, exotic dancers, or other occupations where being hit on is part of the culture,) requires an indirect approach. This is especially true if this is a course you frequent because you've got all the time you need. By using a series of playful jabs and cocky one-liners you can create attraction quickly. You need to convey a message that says, "Hey, I'm no stranger to hot chicks. If you want to impress me, you're going to have to show me something more than a nice wax job on your spray-tanned thighs." Get her to take interest in you, and it will get much easier.

For example, the other day the Green Blazer was approaching a cart path convergence area at the same time as the hottest cart girl at the club. Now, faced with this situation, ninety percent of the other chumps on the course would have stopped their cart and politely let waved her through, saying something like "Oh you go ahead," or "excuse me." Many chumps wouldn't even say anything at all in lue of a timid smile and wave. In this case the cart girl would then proceed, many times without so much as an acknowledgment of this chump's presence. The Blazer, instead, said with a sly smile and an air of sarcasm, "Hey now, you wait your turn," and went in front of her like someone of high stature and importance might do without thinking twice. While women, especially of the hot variety, all seem to claim they want someone who's "nice," they will all pass over someone who's nice for someone who's important.

Good luck loyal Blazer reader. Keep us informed of your progress.

NO CHANCE: Don't be like this guy. Having your buddy take a picture of you next to the cart girl will flatter her, but certainly won't build attraction

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sunday smorgasbord singalong!

We'd like to start it off this week by showing 'nuff respect to Wen-Tang Lin. We know he's gon' keep it real in his defense this week at the Brunei Open. Feel free to join in if you know this one.

Wen be tossin' and bossin', his style is awesome. He's causing more family feud than Richard Dawson. Brunei Open, oh no, here come, the Wen-Tang Shogun, killer to your eardrum. Defending his title, out on the Asian Tour, golfers was like, "Oh my god, not you!"

"So if you want beef then brang your clubs bitch, Wen-Tang Lin ain't nothing to fuck with"

Wen-Tang Lin
Chops is dead boy
It ain't safe no more ...

Albeit he's not quite up to "Tiger Style." When the music sector of the corps finally gets the Green Blazer concept album--the adventure-themed music to the upcoming green blazer cartoon and video game--off the ground, the "Wen-Tang Lin ain't nuttin' to fuck wit'" spoof will most likely be one of the bonus tracks, yo. Actually, nevermind, we hereby donate that idea to golf rappers "The Golf Ballerz." Click on the link The Golf Ballerz to check them out. And click here to hear the original 1993 headbanger "Wu Tang Clan ain't nuttin' to fuck wit'" on rhapsody.

Moving on, like an old Wu Tang Clan and George Clinton collaboration we've decided to follow up Wen-Tang Lin with a little funk fo dat ass ...

RIP to the ODB. Fred gets mo funky than yo grand father's feet in this week's Captures and Captions

A Funky Tradition

SMELL THE FUNK: Fred Funk reveals a wardrobe malfunction in the armpit region of his Mutual of Omaha-branded shirt as he trudges his way to victory at The Tradition, The Champions Tour's final major.

Send your screen captures and cutlines to the Green Blazer via The Green Blazer's blazin' myspace page ... Speaking of which, we've always received a great deal of fan mail here at Blazer HQ (the Blazer's big in Europe), but lately we've been receiving some unusual questions in addition to the regular line of fan interrogation: (who is the Green Blazer, did the Blazer really sneak off the base to play golf in Honolulu on that Sunday morning in 1941, did the Green Blazer really cause Moe Norman go to temporarily insane at Augusta in '57, etcetera.) This week someone actually asked "How do I know if I'm a hack?" So the Blazer came up with this next column, which may be making its way into the regular rotation, in response to that question. Stay tuned next week where we'll examine some of the other bizarre questions we've been receiving in another new segment: Dear Blazer

You know you're a hack when ...

  • you ask random people how you can fix your slice
  • you say, "I need to keep my head down." Or you yell, "Shit! Pulled my head up."
  • you clean your grooves using the broad side of a tee
  • you carry a ball retriever
  • you mark your ball regularly with the snap on mark included with your glove
  • you say your 7 iron is the best club in your bag
  • you play a Maxfli Noodle
  • you take 3 or 4 practice swings next to the ball returning the club back to the address position and hit the shot without ever looking at the target. See Below:

HACKTICE SWING: Here John gives us a perfect example of a hack's preshot routine. We found this by typing "practice swing" into a youtube search.

But don't slice this the wrong way, the Blazer's inclusion of this clip doesn't mean that youtube's not still one of the Blazer's arch adversaries (see Green Blazer August 2 post). Regardless, all this talk of hacks and adversaries provides a smooth transition into the Green Blazer's final piece, about an adversary that's also a hack.

Numbers don't fly with John Hawkins

In a recent Golf World article ("Is Phil Ready to Fly, Butch says yes," August 8) so-called "Angry Golfer" John Hawkins rips Delz Pelz, golf's foremost statistician, blaming his evil numbers for ruining Phil Mickelson's feel.

In classic (-ly lame) angry golfer style Hawkins gives it to you straight from the horse's ass' mouth while taking the necessary steps not to damage his relationship with Pelz beyond repair by using the ol' "bury the lede" technique (Leaving the Pelz name out of the title and not bringing him up until halfway through the column; also making sure to say "It's not Pelz's fault").

In one of The Blazer's favorite lines, Hawkins, a general-assignment-news-jockey-turned-golf commentator, says, "Mickelson has an ultra-inquisitive nature and a fondness for the percentages, a decidedly left-brain trait that conflicts with a gifted performer's right-brain instincts."

Whoaaa Hawkins, whasup bro?... When did you become an expert on brain lateralization psychology? A better question is, when did John Hawkins become an expert on golf? The answer is a resounding "never."

John Hodgman would make a more amusing angry golfer than John Hawkins.

Let's take a look at a short bio of John Hawkins, copied from his 19th hole page on the Golf Channel:

John Hawkins is a 12-year veteran at Golf World Magazine, having won numerous awards from the Golf Writers Association of America for his PGA TOUR coverage. Prior to Golf World, he spent eight years as a general assignment writer and columnist for the Washington Times.

Now let's see how it matches up to Dave Pelz's short bio:

Dave Pelz spent 14 years as a National Aeronautics and Space Administration research scientist. In 1975, he left NASA to begin a full-time career in golf research and development. He holds numerous patents on golf equipment and has compiled the most extensive body of research on putting and the wedge game in the world. Pelz has taught more than 60 PGA of America Education Seminars to club professionals around the United States. As founder of the Dave Pelz Short Game Schools, he is consistently ranked among the foremost teachers in the world. His schools, in Boca Raton, FL, Greensboro, GA, Glen Arbor, MI and Edwards, CO, are attended by international tour and teaching professionals, as well as amateurs of all levels. Pelz serves as short game coach to many of the most accomplished players on the PGA Tour, LPGA Tour and European Tours.

NAMESAKE WORTHY OF APOLOGY: Andrew Hawkins, a descendant of Admiral Sir John Hawkins (pictured above), recently apologized publicly for his ancestor's actions in the slave trade. Does the John Hawkins of today also have some apologizing to do?

When the bios are juxtaposed, is becomes evident what Hawkins really is: a two-bit pencil pusher with no real credibility on the issue, save a few writing awards--contrived competitions invented for writers by writers as a way of stroking each other off a few times per year in a more formal setting--for some golf coverage, and a little over a decade in the business. Big deal. While Hawkins was chasing congressmen around in Washington and covering K9 costume contests on Halloween, Dave Pelz was gathering golf stats no one ever considered before while helping the likes of Tom Kite, Steve Elkington, Curtis Strange, Colin Montgomerie, Payne Stewart, Peter Jacobsen and Vijay Singh (The list goes on). We know John Hawkins doesn't like stats, but there is a few that we'd like to bring to attention.

The number of tour players who have accepted advice from John Hawkins: 0
The number of golf tournaments that Hawkins has won (outside of his local charity scrambles): 0
The number of people to perfectly describe what Hawkins' golf writing awards amount to? 1 (that the Blazer knows of)

That coming from Author, former New York Times and Washington Post writer and "Award Winning journalist" Chuck Klosterman: "... winning awards in journalism is like winning awards at the Special Olympics; everyone is a winner. Every single person I have ever worked with could technically be classified as an 'award winning journalist,' because everyone who enters journalism contests eventually wins something."

One thing the angry golfer won't be winning any time soon is the attention of the pros.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sunday Smorgasbord!

This week the Blazer Corps sets it off with a few captures and captions from The PGA Championship. (Or simply, The Championship, as we think it should be called.)

Chuckie Wi Sticks

STINK EYE: Charles Wi, (or Chuckie Wi Sticks as we like to call him), reveals his bitterness over his lackluster performance on Sunday by scowling at Padrick Harrington from the 72nd hole tee box.

It's the Elk, the bro and the side logo yo

VETERANS WHO DRESS LIKE YOUNG GUNS CAN KISS BUBBA'S ASS: At 46, Steve "The Elk" Elkington is your token veteran on tour. But he doesn't really dress the part, exemplified here with this side logo cap, more commonly seen on bros (see below).

Signature snarl

LONG IN THE TOOTH, LITERALLY: Padrick Harrington expresses an all-too-familiar bucktooth snarl during his winning performance at The Championship.

... Anthony Kim didn't have quite as good of a week as he planned, which gives us more incentive to target him for our next zinger:

Anthony Kim Gives Himself Nickname

As if the AK belt buckle wasn't enough, Anthony Kim has announced to the world that he would now like to be referred to as Big Slick. This based off his favorite Texas hold em' hand, Ace/King, known commonly as "big slick."

"It's just the perfect nickname for me." said Kim. "I've got the whole AK thing going with my sweet-ass belt buckle, and Ace King is my favorite poker hand, so it's perfect." Kim went on to say that he's also "big off the tee," and "pretty slick too."

Kim hopes the media will have the nickname fully internalized by the end of the 2008 season. Nike, already sensing the marketing potential in the self-applied nickname, plans to debut their Big Slick clothing line early in 2009.

Speak of the Week
This week's Speak of the Week should be used only with a certain generation, (if you're reading this blog, or even familiar with the word "blog," you are probably on the level). Instead of saying "he/she plays a big hook," try out "he plays a big Bowser." For those who aren't on the level, Bowser is a character from Mario Golf who plays a giant hook. He's also plays a giant snarl, not unlike Padrick Harrington.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Sunday Smorgasbord!

David Duval: Smack Dab in the middle of a good 'ol fashioned catfight

Ouch! Duval talks shit, gets punked by a girl

Michelle Wie played host to a good ol' fashioned catfight in the days prior to the Reno-Tahoe Open this week. By skipping the Women's British Open qualifier to play in a PGA Tour event, Michelle caused quite a stir with some other big name female golfers including Annika Sorenstam and Paula Creamer.

David Duval, high on life after his 36-hole performance at the British Open, saw the catfight break out and just couldn't resist jumping in the middle. "I think she would be better off on the Futures Tour," said the cocky Duval.

Oh snap! That was before his opening-round 78, where Wie bested him by five shots. After a complete meltdown on the back nine on Friday, Wie still finished one shot ahead him. The Blazer thinks Duval might be better off on the Canadian Tour... at least for now.

Retief's Got Your Goose

First Regular God, and now the Golf God

The tour funnyman is at it again. And by tour funnyman we mean ... Retief Goosen. Known for his hilarious knee slappers after getting struck by lightning in 1984, Retief "'da Goose' Goosen has now targeted Tiger. After it was announced that Tiger would be out the rest of the season, Retief was asked what he thought now about his comments that Tiger was faking his knee injury. Retief replied something along the lines of, "I was just kidding."

Ha! There he goes again, leave it to 'da Goose to bring the zing, baby. Every time.

But Tiger didn't seem to find it very funny. Let's just hope the Golf God doesn't come down as hard as Regular God came down on him when 'da Goose pissed him off back in '84, (most likely with a similarly edgy "just kidding"-style zinger). You can bet a strike from the golf heavens would not have a positive effect on 'da Goose's game.

Even if Tiger doesn't think Retief's jokes are funny, golf viewers should feel privileged to have a someone like 'da Goose around (and not dead from a lightning strike). Someone who isn't so serious and who has the ability to leave you rolling on the floor laughing. Thanks Retief... We can always depend on you to lighten the mood.

Speak of the week

Instead of saying into the wind, try into the smoke. "How's 12 playing today, is it into the smoke as usual?" This will certainly make you cooler. Smoking is also certain to make you cooler ... just ask Arnold Palmer.

Palmer is smoking up a storm

Which brings us to our final segment, the question we keep getting, the question that's been on everyone's minds:

What the hell happened to the Blazer's Blazin' Youtube Page, Bro? ... (That shit was hot!)

Why does that bring us to the final segment? Because it might actually be smokin' Arnold Palmer's fault, indirectly, that the Blazer's youtube page was disabled.

See, it all started back in 1960, with IMG consulting. Wait, no, actually it all started recently with the God Damned Golf Channel. Anyone up on the Blazer enough to ask what happened with the youtube page will certainly be aware of the ongoing feud the Blazer Corps has been having with it's arch nemesis, the Golf Channel, regarding the page.

The Blazer's youtube page, arguably the most successful of the various Green Blazer mediums (although this Green Blazer comic book/variety magazine is sure to take the golf world by storm. Brace yourselves, bros) was quite popular among golf enthusiasts, and bros, garnering more than a half a million views collectively. Among the more popular clips was Tiger Wood's camera click at the CA championship, where he threatened to "break the fucking neck" of a hypothetical photog, 120,000 views; Woody Austin sounds like President Bush, which is now immortalized in the July 17 celeb golf look-alike, 30,000 views; and, of course, the Kelly Tilghman lynch him in the back alley clip, which received more that 80,000 views in 48 hours before the golf channel claimed infringement and youtube took the clip down.

Which brings is to what happened to the page.

Perhaps youtube employs a "three strikes and you're out" policy. See, after the Kelly Tilghman incident, the Blazer received an e-mail indicating that "repeat incidents of copyright infringement will result in the deletion of [The Blazin'] account." Then, after the Blazer dissed the golf channel for stealing his celeb-golf look-alike idea, the golf channel retaliated, four days later, by claiming infringement on yet another Kelly Tilghman clip, entitled "Kelly Tilghman: Rusty after break." (See May 6 post.) Who knows, maybe it was Tilghman herself, as some corps members have suggested. Regardless, that represented strike two for the Blazer, if that is indeed youtube's policy.

Strike three is where IMG Media comes in. Apparently IMG is the actual owner of Sergio Garcia's big putt at the 2004 Rider Cup, which the Blazer had posted for no particular reason whatsoever. Much like Sergio himself, the clip was not a major winner, receiveng less than 400 views. But Mark McCormack got his billion-dollar panties in bundle over the clip anyway, and the next time the Blazer tried to log in (from the onboard computer in his blazewing), a very impersonal message informed him the account had been perminantely disabled.

For being the number one name in sports marketing, the IMG Web site is actually quite crappy, complete with text extending off the page.

And how is any of this smokin' Arnie Palmer's fault?

According to wikipedia, the ultimate name in lazy men's research tools, "In 1960, after realizing the potential of sports marketing in the television age, Mark McCormack signed golfer Arnold Palmer as IMG's first client," thereby forming the company that would one day take down a major part of the Green Blazer's operation.

Oh but you haven't heard the last of the superhero columnist of golf, IMG, not by a longshot. The Blazer's not a vigilante hero, like the Batman. He operates within the confines of the law. And the law is this: The US copyright "fair use" clause allows creators to legally incorporate copyrighted work into their own works without permission of the copyright owner in certain situations, such as for purposes of criticism, satire, parody, and education.

It doesn't take the word "satire" appearing in the column head to realize the Blazer is an overt satirist. (Although the word satire actually does appear in some of the Blazer's headings.)

No more youtube, whatever will we do? For now we'll just have to rely on Myspace Video, Google Video, Yahoo Video, MSN Soapbox, Youtomb, iFilm, Dailymotion, Bliptv, metacafe and for our video sharing needs. Not to mention the Blazer video site, which will also launch sometime in the future, which IMG will never hack. Unless, of course, they learn the Blazer's secret identity. But that, as Blazer fans know, is nearly impossible. Even the Slice Girls couldn't seduce the Blazer out of his mask. (See March 7 post.)