Sunday, May 15, 2011

K.J. Choi shakes golf world with unprofessional antics

SATIRE - *Please read with an open mind as we love KJ just as much as everyone else. If you're somehow offended, we recommend you pick up an Onion once in a while.

While the momentum of the international golf scene continued its ascent to the forefront with South Korean born KJ Choi’s victory in the Players Championship Sunday, a dark cloud was cast over his performance with what golf analysts are claiming “shameless self-promotion” by Choi’s on-course behavior at the culmination of The Players Championship.

While in contention late on Sunday, Choi violated typical PGA Tour protocol by high fiving children, waving to boisterous individual supporters, and affectionately tipping his cap to galleries and fellow competitors. He followed up such unprofessional antics by warmly and affectionately embracing David Toms after besting him in a sudden-death playoff. Ken Venturi, a long time golf analyst whose racist undertones against Tiger Woods throughout the previous decade helped him achieve notoriety amongst “good ole boy” golf scum described it best with his following statements:

“To see a player behave in such a manner, touching women and children, smiling and making eye contact with the crowds, and uncharacteristically hugging David Toms after his victory, was completely disrespectful to American golf fans.”

A smug hug from Mr. K.J.: K.J. Choi embraces David Toms following his playoff win at the 2011 Players Championship Sunday. This was just one of many unprofessional late round antics that has the golf world up in arms.

The PGA tour agreed with Venturi, issuing huge fines for the nearly 300 high fives Choi eagerly offered to fans down the final four-hole stretch of the tournament. Tim Finchem, PGA tour commissioner, said the self-seeking personal touch Choi extended to his supporters was “embarrassing” and “shameful” behavior that indicates Choi’s egotistical and self-seeking nature. The Tour issued a prompt apology for the manner in which Choi attempted to separate himself from the frigid stiffness and corpse-like persona typically expected of PGA players in contention.

Additional ire was cast towards Choi after conducting his post victory interview in English. Fuzzy Zoeller scoffed at the “despicable motives” of Choi to draw attention to the blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth manner in which Choi diligently learned the language and culture of a nation in which he competes regularly.

Kim Jong Il, noted North Korean terrorist who is not even from the same country as the well-industrialized South Korea, summarized the thoughts on this controversy by issuing the following statement:

"I am glad that the North Korean people cannot claim ownership of this extremist. I would hate to think of the world ramifications of people thinking that Korean people are capable of acting in such respectful and congenial ways. I will work diligently to rebuild the Korean image in the future, and am more determined than ever to invade South Korea and force my destructive views upon such a confused society.”

Speak of the week - Friend zone

Next time you're playing match play and your opponent lags their putt up to 3-4 feet, instead of remaining silent or saying something like, "I got to make you putt it" tell them it's out of your Friend Zone. This zippy phrase can alleviate any awkwardness about making them putt what might be considered a gimme in some circles.

Awkwardness is also the number one cause for men falling into the friend zone with a woman they are pursuing, the zone a man never wants to find himself in. The zone where all his friends trash talk him for his weak, pointless pursuit to what will certainly be a disappointing finish.

In the Friend Zone: In match play, this putt would be considered part of the friend zone whereas a three footer against a known yipper might not be. This is the friend zone you want to be in.

In the Friend Zone: Ouch ... This is the friendship zone many lovable losers find themselves in but no man wants to be in. Women like to be in this zone though and almost all of them are convinced their male "best friend" for the past two years doesn't secretly want them.

You know you're a hack when ...

You forget to grab a scorecard so you write your 7s and 8s on the steering wheel of the golf car.

Thanks to P. Johnstonian for this submission. Send your "You know you're a hack when ..." and "You know the course is a dump when ..." ideas to

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Seve Ballesteros was right

While most golfers are left.

It is widely understood that the right side of the human brain is responsible for creativity. The list of ways scientists have tried to prove this is extensive. One mad scientist developed a sort of thinking cap that uses magnetic pulses to stimulate the creative side of the brain and proved it worked using a series of before and after tests. People have developed superpowers after suffering head injuries that have given them the power to do seemingly impossible arithmetic, allowed them to know the day of the week for any day in history, or even enabled them to play an instrument at an advanced level the first time using it. Experts say this is due to increased activity in the right side of the brain.

When the word creativity is mentioned in golf, the golfer that comes to mind is Seve Ballesteros. He was the most right brained golfer in history. When you search his name on the internet, undoubtedly you will find endless testimonials of his shotmaking. Youtube is filled with highlight reels of Ballesteros hitting amazing shots from trees and bushes.

Although all of us might not be able to rip a three wood under a tree on our knees, thinking of the most creative golfer in history when facing a trouble shot is a great way to lower your scores and honor the late, great Seve Ballesteros.

To honor the man and the great things he did in golf, The Green Blazer is urging all golfers to think outside the box next time you're faced with a difficult shot. If your shortsided from a mud lie, maybe the best shot isn't to try and strike a lob wedge perfectly (which can often lead to a compound fracture).

With this in mind, The Green Blazer would like to introduce a new concept: WWSD (What would Seve do). Anytime you find yourself in trouble, think WWSD to lower your scores and increase your fun on the golf course.

Big breaks and big laughs for Oren Geri

The newest season of Golf Channel's The Big Break hasn't even started yet and already one of the contestants is racking up quotations, each worthy of its own tweet.

Oren Geri, who served in the Israeli military before moving to the states to fulfill his dreams of playing professional golf, told it like it is during The Big Break, Indian Wells 30 minute preview:

  • "Golf has pretty much ruined my life"
  • "My apartment is a dump"
  • "If I'm not playing in tournaments, I'm playing with rich people for money. To them it's not a lot of cash, to you it's a month's salary. There's no way to sugarcoat it, you're basically a golf prostitute."Link
  • "My journey chasing golf happiness has pretty much ruined my life"
  • "My apartment is pretty much I would say one of the lowest forms of living."

The Big Break has had many characters over the years. Blaze's favorite is of course Brian Skatell, and it's a damn shame we don't have a comprehensive list of his quotes during the two season's he served. Well Oren will certainly be bringing the truth in the 15th season of The Big Break, hopefully one of the other ten contestants, can provide Skatellike entertainment.

The 15th season of The Big Break premiers May 16 at 9:30 p.m. est.

Speak of the week - Compound Fracture

Kelly Tilghman busted out her very own Speak of the week when she used "compound fracture" to describe a golfer adding to his problems after a bad shot.

She almost certainly had the phrase written down to use sometime during the broadcast and found her opportunity to bust it out. Next time your buddy tries to hit a knockdown four iron through some trees and clips a overhanging limb, bust out compound fracture and make Kelly Tilghman proud.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Furyk tries to penalize self, denied by officials


In order to save face during a rough final round at the Heritage last Sunday, Jim Furyk attempted to call a penalty on himself but was denied by PGA Tour rules officials.

"It moved!" Furyk pleaded.

"Oh no you don't Jim," said the official. We know it just oscillated. Nice try."

"Alright fine ... I'll just move on with my round now."

The bitter defending champion then hastily hit his pitch and eventually carded 76, his highest score in his last 33 rounds at Harbortown.

Penalizing yourself has become very trendy lately, and the respect Brian Davis got for alerting an official after he nicked a reed at the 2010 Heritage was fresh in Furyk's mind. Furyk later admitted the attempt was not only to save face for this tournament but to put a permanent mark on his career as well.

"That's the one thing missing from my record," he said. "I've got a Major, $10 Million for the FedEx Cup, and if I could get a memorable penalty or DQ that would make all the difference for my career. It could put me over the edge for the World Golf Hall of Fame ."

Furyk tees it up next at The Players Championship May 12-15

Speak of the week - Clown's mouth

Next time your partner needs to make one, instead of telling him to "knock it in" or "put it in the back" bust out a clown's mouth. "Alright Jim we need this one, roll it right in the clown's mouth."