Sunday, July 27, 2008

Sunday Smorgasbord!

The Blazer was considering debuting a new segment this week entitled "Thursday Review," when it occured to him that between Movie Monday, Tabloid Tuesday, and Satire Saturday, all these weekly promises were getting quite hard to keep.

So starting this week, the Blazer Corps will begin compiling all the week's material into a weekly "Sunday Smorgasbord," to be published every Sunday Night.

We'll have some combination of our usual hilarious segments, and we'll try to provide our singularly blazin' coverage of any big golf event ... and the Canadian Open!

This week ASU broseph Chez Reavie took down the event, securing himself an invite to next year's Canadian Open, which we're sure is what had to be his main motivation for playing so well. The 26-year-old Reavie represents the young and "cool" golf generation, or the "bros" of the golf world, as G Blaze likes to call them. Reavie also happens to fall right within the target demographic of the line we're looking at in our new Thursday Review ... (which will now appear on random Sundays)

The Crest--A Bro-tastic Bro Classic

Released by PAHR clothing recently, “The Crest” has become an instant classic among bros. On the golf course, The Crest wonderfully complements plaid shorts and a trucker style hat. Off the course, wear The Crest with your favorite pair of Hollister jeans, then throw on your Reef sandals and aviator sunglasses and you’ll be ready to head over to the homies' for an impromptu brodeo (i.e.: video game session or pay per view UFC event). While wearing The Crest, a bro will have an even stronger desire to used words and phrases such as, “chill,” “straight,” “sick,” “dope,” “right on,” and “no worries.” Also, the word bro itself is actually pronounced more like “brah” when donning The Crest.


Giuliani acts like a little bitch

In addition to Chez Reavie making headlines this week, another young golfer was also in the news, Andrew Guiliani. Poor little Andrew Guiliani was doing worse on Duke's golf team than his father fared in Iowa and New Hampshire, shooting--on average--higher than a 76 per round throughout his career on the squad, so lo and behold, his ass got the walking papers. So how does he react? Well, how does any wealthy son of an attorney react ... he sues. Rumor has it he was trying to get the coach and several other members of the athletic department to subject themselves to his father's patented "perp walk," until he learned that particular prosecutorial tool isn't actually used in civil suits.

Whatever the outcome, one thing's for certain: We'd much rather see Chirs Farley act like Andrew Guiliani acting like a little bitch than see Andrew Guiliani playing the role himself.

Chris Farley and Kevin Nealon play Andrew and Rudy Guiliani in a 1994 Saturday Night Live sketch


Speak of the Week

Have you ever wanted to increase your swagger on the golf course? In addition to sunglasses, a popped collar, and tennis shoe style Adidas golf kicks, you will need to talk with a certain slang that shows everyone else you're up on the latest golf vernacular. That's why G Blaze is introducing his latest installment: Speak of the Week . . .

Say "Stool" and feel cool
Stool is in session! Next time you have to ask a fellow playing partner a tee, try asking him or her for a "stool" instead. To paraphrase fictional lawyer Jackie Chiles "Stool is zippier, zappier, peppier ... you'll sound cool with stool." Just make sure you ask for "a" stool and not "some" stool.

Five-Par, both ironic and iconic
Instead of saying a particular hole is a "par five," flip the script on 'em and say it's a "five-par." This can also be done with three-pars and four-pars, but five-par is used the most frequently. Although some fun word play can be excercised on a misplayed four-par. "He had a birdie fopar on a four-par for par."

When on the course (and perhaps the barbershop), forgo a fade for a cut
Fade has faded, slice is slipping, and cut or cutter is quickly crafting the new standard. Especially if you are deliberately hitting that shot, then "cut" is your only option, Ex. "I stepped up to this three-par, put the ball on the stool, and hit this perfect cutter against the wind that just covered the flag the whole time... had a tap-in birdie."


Blazer finally sees some much-deserved mainstream* press
*And by "mainstream," we mean anything outside of the golf blogosphere

The Green Blazer hits the papers!

No, we're not launching our Adventures of The Green Blazer comic book/variety magazine just yet. Nevertheless, The Blazer has finally cracked into the print media world.

Of course, it should come as no surprise that the world's only Superhero Columnist of Golf is finally seeing his handle in print. After all, Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Viki Vale and Ben Urich make for a pretty strong cache of references. But this little boon actually came from the society of super-cool newspaper peddlers in the summer golf haven of Vail, Colo.

It turns out the folks in the newsroom of the Vail Mountaineer newspaper are a big fans of The Green Blazer's timeless plethora of pictures and prose, and couldn't resist using one of the The Green Blazer Corps' hilarious offerings in their funny and irreverent "Absolutely" column last week.

The piece, entitled "Gregodlie Dundee," was themed around comebacks, using Greg Norman as an example along with Rambo and Indiana Jones. The connection was drawn between Norman and Crocodile Dundee, with the marquee zinger being " ... who wouldn't love to see another Crocodile Dundee movie? If Paul Hogan can't play the lead this time around, we know a guy who would fit perfectly into the starring role..."

Now normally The Blazer would be lambasting this paper for ripping off the corps' original idea of Crocodile Dundee being a Greg Norman doppelganger in our March 18 celebrity golf look-alike, however the league of do-gooders at the Mountaineer actually gave a little credit where credit was due and immediately shouted out yours truly in the following paragraph. (Now was that so hard, Golf Channel? See May 2 post.)

To all you golf bloggers out there, take it from The Blazer: It feels pretty good to get out of the blogosphere once and a while. You should try it some time. In fact, the Vail Mountaineer is so far removed from cyberspace it doesn't even have a Web site for the corps to link this new milestone too. They do, however, have a scanner and were kind enough to provide a jpg of the Blazer's spread.**

**And by spread, we mean two column by four-inch corner of a six column by 14-inch tabloid. See below.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Another Dick Johnson thrusts his way to victory

What's in a name? When Dick Johnson won a Nationwide tour event last year we really didn't think much of it. But now that another Dick Johnson has won on the PGA Tour, we're starting to think there's a certain prowess that comes with bearing such an alpha namesake. And that prowess spills over, or shoots out, from the balls of everyday life into the competitive realm leaving a messy discharge in it's wake. Congratulations to another Dick Johnson for his impressive victory at the US Bank Championship.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Callaway Uses Fusion Technology to Create New Term
Sets standard for other equipment companies

In their greatest achievement since shocking the world with Big Bertha, Callaway's marketing team used their esteemed Fusion Technology to create a phrase that is nothing short of pure genius. The term Squareway Woods was born from a blend of the word "square," which describes the shape of the golf club and "fairway woods," which describes the category of the golf club. This was one of the biggest breakthroughs for Callaway in years, and company officials say it will set a standard for other equipment companies to follow. "We wanted to create an idiom that was easy to get off the ground, had workability, and would retain its value over time," said one of the creative marketing gurus at Callaway. "We did all that and more when we released squareway woods."

So far Callaway's new term has been well accepted by the public. It has already found its way into the vocab bag of a few professionals, and has been especially popular with the high handicappers.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Big Break Ka'anapali's Lori Atsedes considering signing with Oakland Raiders

After three jacking her way out of contention in the Big Break Ka'anapali realty show on The Golf Channel, Lori was approached by the Oakland Raiders to fill a needed spot on the offensive line. "We've seen what she can do... She's mean, she's big, and she knows how to mix it up," said a spokesman for the Raiders. Lori has not officially accepted the position, but when asked to comment, she said, "This really doesn't surprise me; I'm like a Cadillac... In a head-on collision, nothing short of a truck will overpower me."