Thursday, January 31, 2008

Ian Poulter Finally Gets Attention He Deserves

The Green Blazer would have normally used this opportunity to zing Ian Poulter for opening his big mouth, but SportsCenter's anchor ripped him so perfectly that there is no need to:

Since then, Poulter claimed that he was misquoted and that he actually said, "It would be a dream to sit back one day and look at the world rankings and see it say, Tiger Woods and then me. Well, if you shorten that phrase down, 'Tiger Woods and then me,' you get what you've got in the paper today, or the magazine."

At first, The Blazer was quick to give Poulter the benefit on the doubt thinking maybe he was misquoted. That was until I heard the following comment, which officially landed Ian Poulter a spot on The Green Blazer's list of idiots:

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Substance List Has Frank Lickliter Thinking One Shot at a Time

Tour players are starting to take full notice of how the new drug testing policy may affect their lives. Upon release of the banned substance list, fear crept into many players’ minds wondering whether they could be dirty and not even know it. Vicks nasal spray seemed to be the most surprising inclusion of the list, but others such as some sleeping medications befuddled players as well. Q-school winner Frank Lickliter was the most outspoken player in opposition to the testing policy.

''If I use Vick's nasal spray three times, they can kick me off the tour forever,'' Lickliter said. ''Now, do you think Vick's nasal spray is helping me compete out here? Half the stuff they're testing for doesn't help golfers. These so-called experts are not experts in golf.''

Lickliter makes a good point. Substance experts are most likely not golf experts, and policy makers need to take note of that, but Lickliter didn’t stop there. Upon hearing that the Tour reserves the right to come to a player’s home to randomly test, Lickliter expressed his feelings frankly.

“He's going to have a hard time getting off my property without a bullet in his ass.”

Lickliter’s strong words made many people cheer, but others wondered whether he had something to hide. Could it be possible that the tour is onto Frank and the secret performance enhancement he gets from nasal spray? It’s ok Frank … your secret has been exposed. Now it is time to move forward amicably so no one gets hurt. You have until July 8th to get the treatment needed to get off the shit, but after that you’re done shootin' up … nasal spray that is.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Monday, January 28, 2008

Movie Monday - Tilghman to The World: "................."

The Blazer would have loved nothing more than to start this off with his own captured clip of the Kelly Tilghman inaudible apology, but instead the Blazer Corps must regrettably admit that an less-than-reliable DVR is the vessel for which the Blazer's video genius originates from. In this case, the DVR missed the first 10 seconds on the broadcast, which was enough time for Tilghman and The Golf Channel to slip from The Blazer's grasp. Nevertheless, our first clip is borrowed from GeoffShac who was able to catch Golf Channel's sound gaffe using his hand held video camera... It's almost as ghetto as Golf Channel's coverage, but a thanks goes out to GeoffShac for providing it.

Tilghman made sure not to talk about anything the least bit controversial, but was still a bit rusty after two weeks off.

At least Faldo was good for a few zingers... He even used reused a one-liner of his only his delivery was better at the Mercedes.

Another distinct personality, David Feherty, debuted his, "5 questions with Feherty" with the man himself.

Boo Weekley made plenty of highlight reels with this clip:

So did Rory when he decided to act like a little bitch to the group behind him

We can't end with the image of Rory's bitchass, so The Blazer will close with this chuckle about how Tiger Woods is da fuckin man...

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Because of Spite, Weir likely to Turn Down Skins Game Invite

Bell Canada concluded their lengthy relationship with Mike Weir last year, and now Telus, a main competitor of Bell, is interested in having Weir back to their World Skins Game. Last year the event included Fat Boy John Daly, Canadian Stephen Ames, Colin Montgomerie of Scotland, Australian Geoff Ogilvy, and South African Retief Goosen (that’s right… a five-some). Weir hasn’t been invited to the World Skins Game since 2002, and it was at that event Telus decided Weirzy rockin the Bell cap wasn’t the best thing for their business. By doing that, Telus showed they might be somewhat intimidated by Bell Canada. Either that, or they're just doing their best to take the friend out of friendly competition. Now Telus would love to replace Stephen “I shit talked Tiger and then got punked” Ames with Masters champion Mike Weir. What do you think Mike? Are you up to it?

Monday, January 21, 2008

Movie Monday - The George Lopez Bob Hope Chrysler Classic

Strokes off his game aren’t the only thing George Lopez shaved at this year’s Bob Hope Chrysler Classic. As the tournament’s host, Lopez entertained and showed the rest of the world how to ignore pain.

Golf Channel showed that they still don’t have it completely together. It’s bad enough being forced to watch at least a portion of every PGA Tour event in extended definition, but Golf Channel always has their fair share of blunders. A few are captured below.

Jerry Foltz failed to do his due diligence here

Fat boy John Daly battled his injury both on the course and now in the courts blaming a fan for sidelining him when she snapped a pic in his downswing causing him to flinch and hurt himself. Broke John Daly, who has withdrew 12 times in the past two years, is being accused by some for suing a tournament that denotes the majority of the profits to charity. Supporters of Daly say something like, “well… he’s actually suing the insurance company, so it won’t affect the tournament’s profits that much… the children will be straight.” Either way, based on his bitching about the cost of getting to Hawai’i last week in a post round interview, Daly’s financial situation is less than stable . This week marks the 12th time Daly has withdrew in the past 2 years.

Calc raps it up with the clip of the week as he uses his big toe to feel the subtle break in this 6 footer.

Friday, January 18, 2008


Based solely on his resemblance to Tiger Woods, The Green Blazer is formally endorsing Barack Obama for President.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Movie Monday - The Sony Open in Hawai'i (not Hawaii)

The Sony Open turned into a KJ Choi consistency clinic for most of the event, reminding everyone that Choi is on his way to being a top three player in the world. The temporary relief from the monotony of Kelly Tilghman’s deep voice was a bonus, but the standard Golf Channel Bushleagueness was very much intact. The Golf Channel had the brilliant idea to waste some spare time on a Hawaiian word-of-the-day that we will all immediately forget anyway. The demonstration featured none other than self-asserting Hawai'i expert, Mark Rolfing. Rolfing was a leader in mainstreaming the locals' pronunciation of our nation’s 50th state. For those of you mainlanders who haven’t noticed, the spelling and pronunciation of Hawaii has now changed to Hawai’i, where the apostrophe stands for a glottal stop, a brief closure of the throat, like a little cough. Rolfing can articulate the new pronunciation with the best of them, but even Mr. Hawai’i struggled with Thursday’s word of the day.

Faldo certainly didn’t have any articulation problems; his commentary was clear as usual. The video below captured just a few Faldo zingers.

Jim Furyk needed an up and in to make the cut, and even under that type of pressure showed why he is one of the tour’s nice guys, even when he gets disturbed mid- swing.

Vijay had a dull showing, which is unusual for him given his success in Hawai’i. He also found some power he didn’t know he had when he pissed Daly off by knocking one on the green while they were putting.

Speaking of Daly, he wasn’t too thrilled about the new cut rule.

Rory could care less about the cut rule, but wasn’t too thrilled about anything during this debacle on Sunday.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Golf Channel Creates a Monster

It seems the newfound confidence bender Golf Channel announcer Kelly Tilghman has been on for the last few months may have finally reached a screeching sobriety after a moment of tactless commentary on Friday’s telecast of The Mercedes-Benz Championship.

Tilghman suggested that the younger players should, “...lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley.”

Kelly Tilghman - Lynch him in the back alley

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It was just a clumsy joke, but then again trashy Tanya Harding’s scheme to end Nancy Kerrigan’s skating career probably started as an innocent little joke as well. Tilghman has since apologized for the remarks and has reached out to Woods’ representatives to express her regrets.

This was no surprise to The Green Blazer, who has been making note of a subtle transformation taking place in Tilghman as of late. Since she became the lead play-by-play announcer for The Golf Channel, (which now has the rights to a portion of every PGA Tour event) Tilghman’s comfort level has been heightened to a point where her personality has become at best annoying, and at worst downright irritating. Sure, those of you nancies out there who enjoy the Green Blazer on a, shall we say, less-than-hardcorps basis might say "Hey GB, aren't you being a little harsh. I mean, she's just being herself. Give the girl a break, otay?" But the real corps members know one of the The Green Blazer's routine superpowers is his extremely acute radar sense for the yearning emotion the modern-day douche bag emits when longing for others to think they are cool.

The yearning in this particular case was a little different than the standard sycophantic kissing of Tiger’s ass and the asses of the world’s other top golfers, which is prevalent in so many commentators of today (The Blazer's looking right at you, Rich Lerner). The Blazer's super-sense detected this yearning as the kind that manifests in the form of a swell in annoying one-liners coupled with an abundance of dim-witted jokes. The old Tilghman would have never had the gumption to make such a lewd comment, especially in an age where commentators must be particularly careful when not to use the GolfLord’s name in vein. Tilghman the clumsy pilgrim quickly confessed her sins, however, and is not likely to become the next Don Imus. But if she does you can bet the Blazer will be Tilghman's Al Sharpton, denouncing her on the O-Reilly Factor for two weeks straight. Hell, the corps was about to organize a Tilghman protest before any of this went down, simply because of how annoying we've been forced to watch her become.

“Group of young white golfers attack, murder Tiger Woods in racially motivated back alley killing.” The preceding headline might be a joke to Kelly Tilghman but like most of her stupid jokes, she was the only one laughing.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Rory Sabbatini’s Top 5 Blunders of the Holiday Season, in Chronological Order:

1. Shoots 81 on the second day of the Target World Challenge

2. Withdraws after the third round of the Target World Challenge because of, “personal reasons.” In the process, gets ridiculed by fellow golfers on the PGA Tour.

3. Switches club sponsor suddenly from Nike to Adams.

4. Debuts a large skull belt buckle in the first round of the Mercedes-Benz Championship.

5. Gets ripped by Rich Lerner who indeed wants to have sex with Tiger.