Sunday smorgasbord singalong!

We'd like to start it off this week by showing 'nuff respect to Wen-Tang Lin. We know he's gon' keep it real in his defense this week at the Brunei Open. Feel free to join in if you know this one.

Wen be tossin' and bossin', his style is awesome. He's causing more family feud than Richard Dawson. Brunei Open, oh no, here come, the Wen-Tang Shogun, killer to your eardrum. Defending his title, out on the Asian Tour, golfers was like, "Oh my god, not you!"

"So if you want beef then brang your clubs bitch, Wen-Tang Lin ain't nothing to fuck with"



Wen-Tang Lin
Chops is dead boy
It ain't safe no more ...
Peace

Albeit he's not quite up to "Tiger Style." When the music sector of the corps finally gets the Green Blazer concept album--the adventure-themed music to the upcoming green blazer cartoon and video game--off the ground, the "Wen-Tang Lin ain't nuttin' to fuck wit'" spoof will most likely be one of the bonus tracks, yo. Actually, nevermind, we hereby donate that idea to golf rappers "The Golf Ballerz." Click on the link The Golf Ballerz to check them out. And click here to hear the original 1993 headbanger "Wu Tang Clan ain't nuttin' to fuck wit'" on rhapsody.

Moving on, like an old Wu Tang Clan and George Clinton collaboration we've decided to follow up Wen-Tang Lin with a little funk fo dat ass ...

RIP to the ODB. Fred gets mo funky than yo grand father's feet in this week's Captures and Captions


A Funky Tradition




SMELL THE FUNK: Fred Funk reveals a wardrobe malfunction in the armpit region of his Mutual of Omaha-branded shirt as he trudges his way to victory at The Tradition, The Champions Tour's final major.


Send your screen captures and cutlines to the Green Blazer via The Green Blazer's blazin' myspace page ... Speaking of which, we've always received a great deal of fan mail here at Blazer HQ (the Blazer's big in Europe), but lately we've been receiving some unusual questions in addition to the regular line of fan interrogation: (who is the Green Blazer, did the Blazer really sneak off the base to play golf in Honolulu on that Sunday morning in 1941, did the Green Blazer really cause Moe Norman go to temporarily insane at Augusta in '57, etcetera.) This week someone actually asked "How do I know if I'm a hack?" So the Blazer came up with this next column, which may be making its way into the regular rotation, in response to that question. Stay tuned next week where we'll examine some of the other bizarre questions we've been receiving in another new segment: Dear Blazer

You know you're a hack when ...

• you ask random people how you can fix your slice
• you say, "I need to keep my head down." Or you yell, "Shit! Pulled my head up."
• you clean your grooves using the broad side of a tee
• you carry a ball retriever
• you mark your ball regularly with the snap on mark included with your glove
• you say your 7 iron is the best club in your bag
• you play a Maxfli Noodle
• you take 3 or 4 practice swings next to the ball returning the club back to the address position and hit the shot without ever looking at the target. See Below:

HACKTICE SWING: Here John gives us a perfect example of a hack's preshot routine. We found this by typing "practice swing" into a youtube search.

But don't slice this the wrong way, the Blazer's inclusion of this clip doesn't mean that youtube's not still one of the Blazer's arch adversaries (see Green Blazer August 2 post). Regardless, all this talk of hacks and adversaries provides a smooth transition into the Green Blazer's final piece, about an adversary that's also a hack.

Numbers don't fly with John Hawkins

In a recent Golf World article ("Is Phil Ready to Fly, Butch says yes," August 8) so-called "Angry Golfer" John Hawkins rips Delz Pelz, golf's foremost statistician, blaming his evil numbers for ruining Phil Mickelson's feel.

In classic (-ly lame) angry golfer style Hawkins gives it to you straight from the horse's ass' mouth while taking the necessary steps not to damage his relationship with Pelz beyond repair by using the ol' "bury the lede" technique (Leaving the Pelz name out of the title and not bringing him up until halfway through the column; also making sure to say "It's not Pelz's fault").

In one of The Blazer's favorite lines, Hawkins, a general-assignment-news-jockey-turned-golf commentator, says, "Mickelson has an ultra-inquisitive nature and a fondness for the percentages, a decidedly left-brain trait that conflicts with a gifted performer's right-brain instincts."

Whoaaa Hawkins, whasup bro?... When did you become an expert on brain lateralization psychology? A better question is, when did John Hawkins become an expert on golf? The answer is a resounding "never."






JUST AS RELEVANT: John Hodgman would make a more amusing angry golfer than John Hawkins.

Let's take a look at a short bio of John Hawkins, copied from his 19th hole page on the Golf Channel:

John Hawkins is a 12-year veteran at Golf World Magazine, having won numerous awards from the Golf Writers Association of America for his PGA TOUR coverage. Prior to Golf World, he spent eight years as a general assignment writer and columnist for the Washington Times.

Now let's see how it matches up to Dave Pelz's short bio:

Dave Pelz spent 14 years as a National Aeronautics and Space Administration research scientist. In 1975, he left NASA to begin a full-time career in golf research and development. He holds numerous patents on golf equipment and has compiled the most extensive body of research on putting and the wedge game in the world. Pelz has taught more than 60 PGA of America Education Seminars to club professionals around the United States. As founder of the Dave Pelz Short Game Schools, he is consistently ranked among the foremost teachers in the world. His schools, in Boca Raton, FL, Greensboro, GA, Glen Arbor, MI and Edwards, CO, are attended by international tour and teaching professionals, as well as amateurs of all levels. Pelz serves as short game coach to many of the most accomplished players on the PGA Tour, LPGA Tour and European Tours.
























NAMESAKE WORTHY OF APOLOGY: Andrew Hawkins, a descendant of Admiral Sir John Hawkins (pictured above), recently apologized publicly for his ancestor's actions in the slave trade. Does the John Hawkins of today also have some apologizing to do?


When the bios are juxtaposed, is becomes evident what Hawkins really is: a two-bit pencil pusher with no real credibility on the issue, save a few writing awards--contrived competitions invented for writers by writers as a way of stroking each other off a few times per year in a more formal setting--for some golf coverage, and a little over a decade in the business. Big deal. While Hawkins was chasing congressmen around in Washington and covering K9 costume contests on Halloween, Dave Pelz was gathering golf stats no one ever considered before while helping the likes of Tom Kite, Steve Elkington, Curtis Strange, Colin Montgomerie, Payne Stewart, Peter Jacobsen and Vijay Singh (The list goes on). We know John Hawkins doesn't like stats, but there is a few that we'd like to bring to attention.

The number of tour players who have accepted advice from John Hawkins: 0
The number of golf tournaments that Hawkins has won (outside of his local charity scrambles): 0
The number of people to perfectly describe what Hawkins' golf writing awards amount to? 1 (that the Blazer knows of)

That coming from Author, former New York Times and Washington Post writer and "Award Winning journalist" Chuck Klosterman: "... winning awards in journalism is like winning awards at the Special Olympics; everyone is a winner. Every single person I have ever worked with could technically be classified as an 'award winning journalist,' because everyone who enters journalism contests eventually wins something."

One thing the angry golfer won't be winning any time soon is the attention of the pros.

Sunday Smorgasbord!

This week the Blazer Corps sets it off with a few captures and captions from The PGA Championship. (Or simply, The Championship, as we think it should be called.)


Chuckie Wi Sticks

















STINK EYE: Charles Wi, (or Chuckie Wi Sticks as we like to call him), reveals his bitterness over his lackluster performance on Sunday by scowling at Padrick Harrington from the 72nd hole tee box.




It's the Elk, the bro and the side logo yo
















VETERANS WHO DRESS LIKE YOUNG GUNS CAN KISS BUBBA'S ASS: At 46, Steve "The Elk" Elkington is your token veteran on tour. But he doesn't really dress the part, exemplified here with this side logo cap, more commonly seen on bros (see below).













Signature snarl
















LONG IN THE TOOTH, LITERALLY: Padrick Harrington expresses an all-too-familiar bucktooth snarl during his winning performance at The Championship.



... Anthony Kim didn't have quite as good of a week as he planned, which gives us more incentive to target him for our next zinger:

Anthony Kim Gives Himself Nickname

As if the AK belt buckle wasn't enough, Anthony Kim has announced to the world that he would now like to be referred to as Big Slick. This based off his favorite Texas hold em' hand, Ace/King, known commonly as "big slick."

"It's just the perfect nickname for me." said Kim. "I've got the whole AK thing going with my sweet-ass belt buckle, and Ace King is my favorite poker hand, so it's perfect." Kim went on to say that he's also "big off the tee," and "pretty slick too."

Kim hopes the media will have the nickname fully internalized by the end of the 2008 season. Nike, already sensing the marketing potential in the self-applied nickname, plans to debut their Big Slick clothing line early in 2009.














Speak of the Week
This week's Speak of the Week should be used only with a certain generation, (if you're reading this blog, or even familiar with the word "blog," you are probably on the level). Instead of saying "he/she plays a big hook," try out "he plays a big Bowser." For those who aren't on the level, Bowser is a character from Mario Golf who plays a giant hook. He's also plays a giant snarl, not unlike Padrick Harrington.

Sunday Smorgasbord!

David Duval: Smack Dab in the middle of a good 'ol fashioned catfight

Ouch! Duval talks shit, gets punked by a girl

Michelle Wie played host to a good ol' fashioned catfight in the days prior to the Reno-Tahoe Open this week. By skipping the Women's British Open qualifier to play in a PGA Tour event, Michelle caused quite a stir with some other big name female golfers including Annika Sorenstam and Paula Creamer.

David Duval, high on life after his 36-hole performance at the British Open, saw the catfight break out and just couldn't resist jumping in the middle. "I think she would be better off on the Futures Tour," said the cocky Duval.

Oh snap! That was before his opening-round 78, where Wie bested him by five shots. After a complete meltdown on the back nine on Friday, Wie still finished one shot ahead him. The Blazer thinks Duval might be better off on the Canadian Tour... at least for now.




Retief's Got Your Goose

First Regular God, and now the Golf God

The tour funnyman is at it again. And by tour funnyman we mean ... Retief Goosen. Known for his hilarious knee slappers after getting struck by lightning in 1984, Retief "'da Goose' Goosen has now targeted Tiger. After it was announced that Tiger would be out the rest of the season, Retief was asked what he thought now about his comments that Tiger was faking his knee injury. Retief replied something along the lines of, "I was just kidding."

Ha! There he goes again, leave it to 'da Goose to bring the zing, baby. Every time.

But Tiger didn't seem to find it very funny. Let's just hope the Golf God doesn't come down as hard as Regular God came down on him when 'da Goose pissed him off back in '84, (most likely with a similarly edgy "just kidding"-style zinger). You can bet a strike from the golf heavens would not have a positive effect on 'da Goose's game.

Even if Tiger doesn't think Retief's jokes are funny, golf viewers should feel privileged to have a someone like 'da Goose around (and not dead from a lightning strike). Someone who isn't so serious and who has the ability to leave you rolling on the floor laughing. Thanks Retief... We can always depend on you to lighten the mood.




Speak of the week

Smoookin'
Instead of saying into the wind, try into the smoke. "How's 12 playing today, is it into the smoke as usual?" This will certainly make you cooler. Smoking is also certain to make you cooler ... just ask Arnold Palmer.

Palmer is smoking up a storm

Which brings us to our final segment, the question we keep getting, the question that's been on everyone's minds:

What the hell happened to the Blazer's Blazin' Youtube Page, Bro? ... (That shit was hot!)

Why does that bring us to the final segment? Because it might actually be smokin' Arnold Palmer's fault, indirectly, that the Blazer's youtube page was disabled.

See, it all started back in 1960, with IMG consulting. Wait, no, actually it all started recently with the God Damned Golf Channel. Anyone up on the Blazer enough to ask what happened with the youtube page will certainly be aware of the ongoing feud the Blazer Corps has been having with it's arch nemesis, the Golf Channel, regarding the page.

The Blazer's youtube page, arguably the most successful of the various Green Blazer mediums (although this Green Blazer comic book/variety magazine is sure to take the golf world by storm. Brace yourselves, bros) was quite popular among golf enthusiasts, and bros, garnering more than a half a million views collectively. Among the more popular clips was Tiger Wood's camera click at the CA championship, where he threatened to "break the fucking neck" of a hypothetical photog, 120,000 views; Woody Austin sounds like President Bush, which is now immortalized in the July 17 celeb golf look-alike, 30,000 views; and, of course, the Kelly Tilghman lynch him in the back alley clip, which received more that 80,000 views in 48 hours before the golf channel claimed infringement and youtube took the clip down.

Which brings is to what happened to the page.

Perhaps youtube employs a "three strikes and you're out" policy. See, after the Kelly Tilghman incident, the Blazer received an e-mail indicating that "repeat incidents of copyright infringement will result in the deletion of [The Blazin'] account." Then, after the Blazer dissed the golf channel for stealing his celeb-golf look-alike idea, the golf channel retaliated, four days later, by claiming infringement on yet another Kelly Tilghman clip, entitled "Kelly Tilghman: Rusty after break." (See May 6 post.) Who knows, maybe it was Tilghman herself, as some corps members have suggested. Regardless, that represented strike two for the Blazer, if that is indeed youtube's policy.

Strike three is where IMG Media comes in. Apparently IMG is the actual owner of Sergio Garcia's big putt at the 2004 Rider Cup, which the Blazer had posted for no particular reason whatsoever. Much like Sergio himself, the clip was not a major winner, receiveng less than 400 views. But Mark McCormack got his billion-dollar panties in bundle over the clip anyway, and the next time the Blazer tried to log in (from the onboard computer in his blazewing), a very impersonal message informed him the account had been perminantely disabled.















CRAPPY SITE: For being the number one name in sports marketing, the IMG Web site is actually quite crappy, complete with text extending off the page.

And how is any of this smokin' Arnie Palmer's fault?

According to wikipedia, the ultimate name in lazy men's research tools, "In 1960, after realizing the potential of sports marketing in the television age, Mark McCormack signed golfer Arnold Palmer as IMG's first client," thereby forming the company that would one day take down a major part of the Green Blazer's operation.

Oh but you haven't heard the last of the superhero columnist of golf, IMG, not by a longshot. The Blazer's not a vigilante hero, like the Batman. He operates within the confines of the law. And the law is this: The US copyright "fair use" clause allows creators to legally incorporate copyrighted work into their own works without permission of the copyright owner in certain situations, such as for purposes of criticism, satire, parody, and education.

It doesn't take the word "satire" appearing in the column head to realize the Blazer is an overt satirist. (Although the word satire actually does appear in some of the Blazer's headings.)

No more youtube, whatever will we do? For now we'll just have to rely on Myspace Video, Google Video, Yahoo Video, MSN Soapbox, Youtomb, iFilm, Dailymotion, Bliptv, metacafe and reeltime.com for our video sharing needs. Not to mention the Blazer video site, which will also launch sometime in the future, which IMG will never hack. Unless, of course, they learn the Blazer's secret identity. But that, as Blazer fans know, is nearly impossible. Even the Slice Girls couldn't seduce the Blazer out of his mask. (See March 7 post.)

Sunday Smorgasbord!

The Blazer was considering debuting a new segment this week entitled "Thursday Review," when it occured to him that between Movie Monday, Tabloid Tuesday, and Satire Saturday, all these weekly promises were getting quite hard to keep.

So starting this week, the Blazer Corps will begin compiling all the week's material into a weekly "Sunday Smorgasbord," to be published every Sunday Night.

We'll have some combination of our usual hilarious segments, and we'll try to provide our singularly blazin' coverage of any big golf event ... and the Canadian Open!

This week ASU broseph Chez Reavie took down the event, securing himself an invite to next year's Canadian Open, which we're sure is what had to be his main motivation for playing so well. The 26-year-old Reavie represents the young and "cool" golf generation, or the "bros" of the golf world, as G Blaze likes to call them. Reavie also happens to fall right within the target demographic of the line we're looking at in our new Thursday Review ... (which will now appear on random Sundays)

The Crest--A Bro-tastic Bro Classic

Released by PAHR clothing recently, “The Crest” has become an instant classic among bros. On the golf course, The Crest wonderfully complements plaid shorts and a trucker style hat. Off the course, wear The Crest with your favorite pair of Hollister jeans, then throw on your Reef sandals and aviator sunglasses and you’ll be ready to head over to the homies' for an impromptu brodeo (i.e.: video game session or pay per view UFC event). While wearing The Crest, a bro will have an even stronger desire to used words and phrases such as, “chill,” “straight,” “sick,” “dope,” “right on,” and “no worries.” Also, the word bro itself is actually pronounced more like “brah” when donning The Crest.


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Giuliani acts like a little bitch

In addition to Chez Reavie making headlines this week, another young golfer was also in the news, Andrew Guiliani. Poor little Andrew Guiliani was doing worse on Duke's golf team than his father fared in Iowa and New Hampshire, shooting--on average--higher than a 76 per round throughout his career on the squad, so lo and behold, his ass got the walking papers. So how does he react? Well, how does any wealthy son of an attorney react ... he sues. Rumor has it he was trying to get the coach and several other members of the athletic department to subject themselves to his father's patented "perp walk," until he learned that particular prosecutorial tool isn't actually used in civil suits.

Whatever the outcome, one thing's for certain: We'd much rather see Chirs Farley act like Andrew Guiliani acting like a little bitch than see Andrew Guiliani playing the role himself.








GUILIANI IS A JOKE: Chris Farley and Kevin Nealon play Andrew and Rudy Guiliani in a 1994 Saturday Night Live sketch


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Speak of the Week

Have you ever wanted to increase your swagger on the golf course? In addition to sunglasses, a popped collar, and tennis shoe style Adidas golf kicks, you will need to talk with a certain slang that shows everyone else you're up on the latest golf vernacular. That's why G Blaze is introducing his latest installment: Speak of the Week . . .

Say "Stool" and feel cool
Stool is in session! Next time you have to ask a fellow playing partner a tee, try asking him or her for a "stool" instead. To paraphrase fictional lawyer Jackie Chiles "Stool is zippier, zappier, peppier ... you'll sound cool with stool." Just make sure you ask for "a" stool and not "some" stool.

Five-Par, both ironic and iconic
Instead of saying a particular hole is a "par five," flip the script on 'em and say it's a "five-par." This can also be done with three-pars and four-pars, but five-par is used the most frequently. Although some fun word play can be excercised on a misplayed four-par. "He had a birdie fopar on a four-par for par."

When on the course (and perhaps the barbershop), forgo a fade for a cut
Fade has faded, slice is slipping, and cut or cutter is quickly crafting the new standard. Especially if you are deliberately hitting that shot, then "cut" is your only option, Ex. "I stepped up to this three-par, put the ball on the stool, and hit this perfect cutter against the wind that just covered the flag the whole time... had a tap-in birdie."

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Blazer finally sees some much-deserved mainstream* press
*And by "mainstream," we mean anything outside of the golf blogosphere

The Green Blazer hits the papers!

No, we're not launching our Adventures of The Green Blazer comic book/variety magazine just yet. Nevertheless, The Blazer has finally cracked into the print media world.

Of course, it should come as no surprise that the world's only Superhero Columnist of Golf is finally seeing his handle in print. After all, Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Viki Vale and Ben Urich make for a pretty strong cache of references. But this little boon actually came from the society of super-cool newspaper peddlers in the summer golf haven of Vail, Colo.

It turns out the folks in the newsroom of the Vail Mountaineer newspaper are a big fans of The Green Blazer's timeless plethora of pictures and prose, and couldn't resist using one of the The Green Blazer Corps' hilarious offerings in their funny and irreverent "Absolutely" column last week.

The piece, entitled "Gregodlie Dundee," was themed around comebacks, using Greg Norman as an example along with Rambo and Indiana Jones. The connection was drawn between Norman and Crocodile Dundee, with the marquee zinger being " ... who wouldn't love to see another Crocodile Dundee movie? If Paul Hogan can't play the lead this time around, we know a guy who would fit perfectly into the starring role..."

Now normally The Blazer would be lambasting this paper for ripping off the corps' original idea of Crocodile Dundee being a Greg Norman doppelganger in our March 18 celebrity golf look-alike, however the league of do-gooders at the Mountaineer actually gave a little credit where credit was due and immediately shouted out yours truly in the following paragraph. (Now was that so hard, Golf Channel? See May 2 post.)

To all you golf bloggers out there, take it from The Blazer: It feels pretty good to get out of the blogosphere once and a while. You should try it some time. In fact, the Vail Mountaineer is so far removed from cyberspace it doesn't even have a Web site for the corps to link this new milestone too. They do, however, have a scanner and were kind enough to provide a jpg of the Blazer's spread.**

**And by spread, we mean two column by four-inch corner of a six column by 14-inch tabloid. See below.

Another Dick Johnson thrusts his way to victory

What's in a name? When Dick Johnson won a Nationwide tour event last year we really didn't think much of it. But now that another Dick Johnson has won on the PGA Tour, we're starting to think there's a certain prowess that comes with bearing such an alpha namesake. And that prowess spills over, or shoots out, from the balls of everyday life into the competitive realm leaving a messy discharge in it's wake. Congratulations to another Dick Johnson for his impressive victory at the US Bank Championship.

Golfer/Celebrity Look-alikes 7

Callaway Uses Fusion Technology to Create New Term
Sets standard for other equipment companies


In their greatest achievement since shocking the world with Big Bertha, Callaway's marketing team used their esteemed Fusion Technology to create a phrase that is nothing short of pure genius. The term Squareway Woods was born from a blend of the word "square," which describes the shape of the golf club and "fairway woods," which describes the category of the golf club. This was one of the biggest breakthroughs for Callaway in years, and company officials say it will set a standard for other equipment companies to follow. "We wanted to create an idiom that was easy to get off the ground, had workability, and would retain its value over time," said one of the creative marketing gurus at Callaway. "We did all that and more when we released squareway woods."

So far Callaway's new term has been well accepted by the public. It has already found its way into the vocab bag of a few professionals, and has been especially popular with the high handicappers.

The Big Break Ka'anapali's Lori Atsedes considering signing with Oakland Raiders


After three jacking her way out of contention in the Big Break Ka'anapali realty show on The Golf Channel, Lori was approached by the Oakland Raiders to fill a needed spot on the offensive line. "We've seen what she can do... She's mean, she's big, and she knows how to mix it up," said a spokesman for the Raiders. Lori has not officially accepted the position, but when asked to comment, she said, "This really doesn't surprise me; I'm like a Cadillac... In a head-on collision, nothing short of a truck will overpower me."

Happy Gilmore’s Mr. Larson Towers over Galleries at US Open

Famous spectator Mr. Larson returned to golf galleries today after a long hiatus, and what better place than the US Open? Larson is best known for startling others with his intimidating presence and instilling fear in those he dislikes. (i.e. Shooter McGavin.) He has thickened and aged since his supporting role in the movie Happy Gilmore. (See photos below.)

SHAVED AND DANGEROUS: The Blazer, lazin' and blazin' in a dazy haze these daze, was pouring through his video archive when he stumbled across this little nugget. Apparently shaving the hole isn't always a good thing, who knew? Word in the underground is The Slice Girls "convinced" him to blurt this one out using his "dirty dog" tone. Mad props to those crazy bitches.

RETALIATION!!!

It only took the society of supervillains at The Golf Channel a matter of days to strike back after the May 2 post (see photo of e-mail, received May 6). Are we in for a war of the superpowers? Stay tuned . . .

CELEBRITY GOLF LOOKALIKES: Imitation is the highest form of flattery

Ruthless Golf Channel Thugs Best Golf Superhero, Again

Following prior accusations of "infringement," The Golf Channel makes no bones about stealing ideas from The Green Blazer

Reprinted with permission
He may be vulnerable after all. Golf superhero The Green Blazer seems to have been bested once again by what some are now calling a gang of disorganized and plagiarizing thugs that have gained control of one of the highest forms of golf media, an unprofessional syndicate the average American has come to know as simply, "The Golf Channel."

After splashing on the scene early last year, one of The Green Blazer's reining moments in the world of golf heroism was his capture of Kelly Tilghman, and more specifically, the chuckle she cackled after cracking her "lynch him in the back alley" joke about Tiger Woods. The clip garnered 80,000 views in 48 hours before youtube.com notified The Green Blazer that they had "removed or disabled access to (the Tilghman Clip) as a result of a third-party notification by The Golf Channel claiming that this material is infringing."


THE CLIP AT 54,000: The clip in question reaches #30 most viewed of the day on youtube

Normally a situation like this would be regarded as somewhat innocuous in the world of media--the Blazer has captured an embarrassing moment for the network and they're flexing their corporate muscle in order ensure its rebroadcast is kept to a minimum.

But it didn't end there. The Golf Channel, now very much aware of The Green Blazer and his super human ability to dazzle the game's most astute through poignant zingers, resurfaced this week with a follow-up blow, this time more tactical in nature. The network cleverly pilfered one of the Blazer's benchmark zingers, the "Celebrity Golf Lookalike." The act is captured in the image below.


PURLOINED STYLE: The Golf Channel steals The Blazer's 'Celeb Golf Lookalikes' idea, captured above

After seeing his tactics mimicked by the network giant, The Green Blazer issued the following statement:

"I was both saddened and excited to see The Golf Channel enter this new realm, a land of wit and humor that is now largely dominated by The Green Blazer Corps. I was saddened by their obvious lack of originality, but excited by the idea that they may finally give the thought of not being totally lame a try.

"The Charlie Hoffman and Chris Griffin bit is a solid start, despite the fact that the larger idea is tantamount to a highway hijacking not even the Batman could thwart. For the record, the Batman did phone me with an apology for not interrupting the signal in time, which was not necessary but nonetheless appreciated.

"Notice, the act in question is reminiscent of the corps' David Feherty and Count Von Count bit, only not quite as geometrically matched. While I would have simply used my mind to reverse and tilt the image into a better replicated juxtaposition, The Golf Channel could have probably attained this effect rather quickly in Photoshop. This is further evidence of my previous assertions that this foe is, for lack of a better term, totally bush league.

"This hereby concludes my statement, thank you and good day."


THIEVES LACK DETAIL: The Green Blazer points out his cartoon based celeb golf lookalike has a more paralleled juxtaposition


Further evidence of the Golf Channel's disregard for even the simplest attempts to cite their material can be found in the original cartoon graphic. A Google image search of "Chris Griffin" turns up the following pic as the very first listing.

NO RESPECT: The Chris Griffin graphic used by the Golf Channel has the artist's signature conveniently omitted

Notice how in stretching and distorting the image, The Golf Channel has also conveniently omitted artist Seth MacFarlane's name from the graphic, as if to reinforce the fact that they place absolutely no emphasis on giving credit where it's due.

"How hard would it have been for them to just say, 'In honor of golf blogger The Green Blazer, here's a celebrity golf lookalike.'?" said one Blazer supporter. "Vince Cellini may as well have done the bit wearing a green jacket and mask."

Both The Green Blazer and Seth MacFarlane were unavailable for further comment.

Satire Saturday - Discussing Satire on a Saturday
Seriously ... we're just discussing satire this week, not actually producing it

Recently a satire piece on Phil Mickelson received a fair amount of traffic on the net. The piece, distributed mainly through e-mail, was entitled "MICKELSON'S GAMBLING DEBTS CAUSE UPROAR AMONG AUGUSTA MEMBERS," and had a tag that read "From GolfWeek Insider....." at the bottom. Many Blazer loyalists, including corps members, have questioned whether the Blazer was the one responsible for the prank, which apparently began its circulation on April 1. We've replicated the piece below:


Last week Phil Mickelson was playing a practice round at Augusta and went away from protocol and convinced his playing partners to up the stakes in the usual $1 game. It was Mickelson versus the other three which included some of the deepest pockets among the membership. The stakes: $5000 skins and a pot of $130,000, $100,000 of which was contributed by Mickelson for the low net score - Mickelson would play off scratch.

According to one of the threesome which obviously will remain anonymous, 'everything was going great until the back 9 when Mickelson really could not believe the good fortune of 'chuckie'. He was draining everything on the greens and when he missed the green twice he had two chip-ins.

Phil's lead on the scorecard looked safe but in the clubhouse we added it up and lo and behold, Phil owed $200,000.' And then it got ugly. The stories by witnesses conflict, but in effect Mickelson tried to pass the bets off as laugh on the first tee and insisted 'there was no way he would bet hundreds of thousands on golf.' Mickelson believed the standard one dollar game was in effect.

The threesome was having none of it and before you know it the foursome was sitting in the office of Billy Payne who was none too happy about the loud conversations taking place in the dining room. But even in the privacy of the office, Mickelson was being very difficult. According to the same anonymous member: 'Phil slipped up and admitted that he initiated the stakes and set the terms of the bet. Then he protested at having to pay so much and offered 30 cents on the dollar right then and there, take it or leave it. Billy was aghast and told Phil, you will arrange to pay every dollar or you will never be welcome at Augusta again, take it or leave it.

Mickelson tried to protest and even made a snide remark that Billy couldn't stop him from being wel come at Augusta every April. Billy simply asked are you taking it or leaving it.'

Mickelson later called his accountant with the banking details of 'chuckie' and an arrangement was made for a wire transfer of an undisclosed amount. The worse of this may not be over as the other member of the threesome was upset enough to call the PGA Tour. When contacted for a comment, the PGA Tour declined to comment and would not even acknowledge whether or not they have been contacted about the conflict at Augusta National.
From GolfWeek Insider.....


The Blazer did not write this piece. We agree it was well written, which is probably why the Blazer Corps is among the main suspects, but it is not a good example of satire. Indeed, the author probably didn't even intend it to be received as satire, although it does loosely fit the definition. However, in deference to those who seem to always offer up criticism of the Blazer's satire pieces, the traffic this piece has received gives the Blazer a good opportunity to differentiate between real satire and satire that's meant to confuse.

Satire, in its most basic form, is a literary technique in which shortcomings are exposed by means of irony or other methods, ideally with an intent to bring about improvement. As we can see, the above piece does fall within that contemporary definition. But several things separate this from a good piece of satire, like you might find from the Blazer.

The main difference lies in the operative word in the above definition: intent. The author of this piece most likely intended this piece to be taken seriously, and this is evidenced in three major points.

1.) The presence of the "From GolfWeek Insider" tag
While the capitalized "W" was actually the Blazer's first clue that this piece was bullshit, the fact that the author put this tag at the bottom suggests that he or she wanted readers to believe what they just read, and, lacking credibility of his or her own, borrowed credibility from something more well known, in this case Golfweek.

2.) The satire was not fantastic beyond a reasonable doubt
If you're familiar with the gambling exploits in Phil's past, this piece was actually quite believable. If the Blazer were to have authored a satire piece on Phil's gambling problem (admittedly great premise), he would have likely had Phil wagering his children, an autographed man-zere worn by himself, and/or an evening of bukkake with his beautiful wife. The $5,000 per hole just isn't wild and fantastic enough.

3.) Excessive use of anonymity
The occasional anonymous quote can add to the humor of a satire piece. But the beauty of satire is no one is off limits (as long as they're public figures), so a satire writer may as well juice it up by using the likeness of real people. By hiding the identity of people, the writer makes it seem as if he or she doesn't want to blow the cover of a valuable source, something that often happens in real life. (Deep Throat, anyone?) The Blazer would have had him playing against Pete Rose, Tim Donaghy and some other notorious sports gambler.

The irony of this exploration of irony is while the Phil piece was not great satire, it might actually prove to be more effective satire. Again, the point of satire is usually to bring about improvement. Will the Green Blazer's satire piece on doctors discovering a vagina on Rory Sabbatini make Sabbatini less of a bitch? Probably not, but it was good satire nonetheless. However, will this recent piece let Phil know he's been branded as a gambler and get him to stop, or at least slow it down? Perhaps, if he actually ever sees it...

Stay tuned next Saturday for the Blazer's next offering from the world of golf satire: "Butch Harmon labeled 'dangerous' after having unprotected lessons with multiple partners"

Blazer Voices Support of Lesbian Kraft Nabisco Groupies

The Kraft Nabisco Championship, formally known as the Diana Shore Tournament, just wrapped up in the Palm Springs area of California. What many people don't realize about the Diana Shore Tournament is it's also a lesbian fuck fest, with super hot gay women using the tournament as an annual excuse to celebrate free love. Free lesbian love, that is. The Blazer wants to take this opportunity to voice his support of these lovely women, their goal of legal marriage, and everything they do--once a year, at pool parties, under the hot sun, with very little clothing on--for the sport of golf. Enjoy the pictures below, swiped from mydesert.com, the local broadsheet in Palm Springs which had extraordinary coverage of both the tournament and the lassie-fair lez-affairs that accompanied it.

Bubba Watson: "I'll tell you what... Veterans can kiss my ass"

This one hasn’t blown up yet, but damn well blazin’ should. Bubba Watson will soon be labeled the tour’s new bad boy (dethroning Rory’s bitchass) after saying, "I’ll tell you what... Veterans can kiss my ass." Steve Elkington was evidently moving around during Watson’s routine for two days, and Watson pretty much snaps in the video below. This situation may cause a media frenzy for two reasons:

1) Just a few short days ago, Tiger Woods stirred things up when he said the next person to take a picture (during his swing) will get their fucking neck broken. Watson’s frustration is similar to Tiger’s only it was due to another player’s actions as opposed to that of an idiot camera man. If and when Bubba’s blunder gets the media attention it warrants, it will presumably be compared to Tiger’s flare-up last Sunday.

2) Bubba should have confined his shit-talking to Elkington alone. By telling all veterans they can kiss his ass, he generalized himself to the point where he has no argument to defend. When Bubba kicks it into reputation salvation mode, he will likely apologize for his words about veterans, say he has the utmost respect for what they’ve done for the game, and attempt to defend himself by describing why Steve Elkington is an asshole.