Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sunday smorgasbord singalong!

We'd like to start it off this week by showing 'nuff respect to Wen-Tang Lin. We know he's gon' keep it real in his defense this week at the Brunei Open. Feel free to join in if you know this one.

Wen be tossin' and bossin', his style is awesome. He's causing more family feud than Richard Dawson. Brunei Open, oh no, here come, the Wen-Tang Shogun, killer to your eardrum. Defending his title, out on the Asian Tour, golfers was like, "Oh my god, not you!"

"So if you want beef then brang your clubs bitch, Wen-Tang Lin ain't nothing to fuck with"

Wen-Tang Lin
Chops is dead boy
It ain't safe no more ...

Albeit he's not quite up to "Tiger Style." When the music sector of the corps finally gets the Green Blazer concept album--the adventure-themed music to the upcoming green blazer cartoon and video game--off the ground, the "Wen-Tang Lin ain't nuttin' to fuck wit'" spoof will most likely be one of the bonus tracks, yo. Actually, nevermind, we hereby donate that idea to golf rappers "The Golf Ballerz." Click on the link The Golf Ballerz to check them out. And click here to hear the original 1993 headbanger "Wu Tang Clan ain't nuttin' to fuck wit'" on rhapsody.

Moving on, like an old Wu Tang Clan and George Clinton collaboration we've decided to follow up Wen-Tang Lin with a little funk fo dat ass ...

RIP to the ODB. Fred gets mo funky than yo grand father's feet in this week's Captures and Captions

A Funky Tradition

SMELL THE FUNK: Fred Funk reveals a wardrobe malfunction in the armpit region of his Mutual of Omaha-branded shirt as he trudges his way to victory at The Tradition, The Champions Tour's final major.

Send your screen captures and cutlines to the Green Blazer via The Green Blazer's blazin' myspace page ... Speaking of which, we've always received a great deal of fan mail here at Blazer HQ (the Blazer's big in Europe), but lately we've been receiving some unusual questions in addition to the regular line of fan interrogation: (who is the Green Blazer, did the Blazer really sneak off the base to play golf in Honolulu on that Sunday morning in 1941, did the Green Blazer really cause Moe Norman go to temporarily insane at Augusta in '57, etcetera.) This week someone actually asked "How do I know if I'm a hack?" So the Blazer came up with this next column, which may be making its way into the regular rotation, in response to that question. Stay tuned next week where we'll examine some of the other bizarre questions we've been receiving in another new segment: Dear Blazer

You know you're a hack when ...

  • you ask random people how you can fix your slice
  • you say, "I need to keep my head down." Or you yell, "Shit! Pulled my head up."
  • you clean your grooves using the broad side of a tee
  • you carry a ball retriever
  • you mark your ball regularly with the snap on mark included with your glove
  • you say your 7 iron is the best club in your bag
  • you play a Maxfli Noodle
  • you take 3 or 4 practice swings next to the ball returning the club back to the address position and hit the shot without ever looking at the target. See Below:

HACKTICE SWING: Here John gives us a perfect example of a hack's preshot routine. We found this by typing "practice swing" into a youtube search.

But don't slice this the wrong way, the Blazer's inclusion of this clip doesn't mean that youtube's not still one of the Blazer's arch adversaries (see Green Blazer August 2 post). Regardless, all this talk of hacks and adversaries provides a smooth transition into the Green Blazer's final piece, about an adversary that's also a hack.

Numbers don't fly with John Hawkins

In a recent Golf World article ("Is Phil Ready to Fly, Butch says yes," August 8) so-called "Angry Golfer" John Hawkins rips Delz Pelz, golf's foremost statistician, blaming his evil numbers for ruining Phil Mickelson's feel.

In classic (-ly lame) angry golfer style Hawkins gives it to you straight from the horse's ass' mouth while taking the necessary steps not to damage his relationship with Pelz beyond repair by using the ol' "bury the lede" technique (Leaving the Pelz name out of the title and not bringing him up until halfway through the column; also making sure to say "It's not Pelz's fault").

In one of The Blazer's favorite lines, Hawkins, a general-assignment-news-jockey-turned-golf commentator, says, "Mickelson has an ultra-inquisitive nature and a fondness for the percentages, a decidedly left-brain trait that conflicts with a gifted performer's right-brain instincts."

Whoaaa Hawkins, whasup bro?... When did you become an expert on brain lateralization psychology? A better question is, when did John Hawkins become an expert on golf? The answer is a resounding "never."

John Hodgman would make a more amusing angry golfer than John Hawkins.

Let's take a look at a short bio of John Hawkins, copied from his 19th hole page on the Golf Channel:

John Hawkins is a 12-year veteran at Golf World Magazine, having won numerous awards from the Golf Writers Association of America for his PGA TOUR coverage. Prior to Golf World, he spent eight years as a general assignment writer and columnist for the Washington Times.

Now let's see how it matches up to Dave Pelz's short bio:

Dave Pelz spent 14 years as a National Aeronautics and Space Administration research scientist. In 1975, he left NASA to begin a full-time career in golf research and development. He holds numerous patents on golf equipment and has compiled the most extensive body of research on putting and the wedge game in the world. Pelz has taught more than 60 PGA of America Education Seminars to club professionals around the United States. As founder of the Dave Pelz Short Game Schools, he is consistently ranked among the foremost teachers in the world. His schools, in Boca Raton, FL, Greensboro, GA, Glen Arbor, MI and Edwards, CO, are attended by international tour and teaching professionals, as well as amateurs of all levels. Pelz serves as short game coach to many of the most accomplished players on the PGA Tour, LPGA Tour and European Tours.

NAMESAKE WORTHY OF APOLOGY: Andrew Hawkins, a descendant of Admiral Sir John Hawkins (pictured above), recently apologized publicly for his ancestor's actions in the slave trade. Does the John Hawkins of today also have some apologizing to do?

When the bios are juxtaposed, is becomes evident what Hawkins really is: a two-bit pencil pusher with no real credibility on the issue, save a few writing awards--contrived competitions invented for writers by writers as a way of stroking each other off a few times per year in a more formal setting--for some golf coverage, and a little over a decade in the business. Big deal. While Hawkins was chasing congressmen around in Washington and covering K9 costume contests on Halloween, Dave Pelz was gathering golf stats no one ever considered before while helping the likes of Tom Kite, Steve Elkington, Curtis Strange, Colin Montgomerie, Payne Stewart, Peter Jacobsen and Vijay Singh (The list goes on). We know John Hawkins doesn't like stats, but there is a few that we'd like to bring to attention.

The number of tour players who have accepted advice from John Hawkins: 0
The number of golf tournaments that Hawkins has won (outside of his local charity scrambles): 0
The number of people to perfectly describe what Hawkins' golf writing awards amount to? 1 (that the Blazer knows of)

That coming from Author, former New York Times and Washington Post writer and "Award Winning journalist" Chuck Klosterman: "... winning awards in journalism is like winning awards at the Special Olympics; everyone is a winner. Every single person I have ever worked with could technically be classified as an 'award winning journalist,' because everyone who enters journalism contests eventually wins something."

One thing the angry golfer won't be winning any time soon is the attention of the pros.

1 comment:

cwood1 said...

Nice work Green Blazer, funniest Sunday smörgåsbord yet. Keep 'em coming!