Urban Dictionary: "Tiger's Wife Mad"

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Is Golf Digest stupid or just lazy?

Although The Green Blazer hasn't subscribed to Golf Digest in years, for some reason they keep sending them. It could be from booking Golfnow.com tee times, or maybe they're sending them as a courtesy to stay on G-Blaze's good side. Either way, they pile up faster than our national debt.

Upon seeing the cover of the Jan/2010 edition, I quickly tossed it into the waste basket before even removing the plastic ... The cover is a joke (almost as laughable as Time magazine naming Ben Bernanke "Man of the Year.")

What better way to make people take notice than to come up with a fluffy story paralleling Tiger to Obama that allows them to put them both on the cover. "10 things Obama might learn from Tiger," the cover read. After some thought, I decided to pull the mag out of the trash and read the cover story for amusement.




Cover illustration By Michael Elins (Golf Digest actually gives credit for this crappy 5 min photoshopped cover they refer to as an illustration)










The story was clearly completed before the Tiger Woods scandal began, but the publication was released well after. The editor made no effort to even acknowledge the recent tribulations, or better yet, scrap the story altogether. Obviously the lazy hack had already put that month's edition to bed and, in classic "it's too late now" journalist style, decided to stay the course and go the complacent route.

The story starts by saying both men were defined by their fathers (Woods had more in common with Earl than most previously thought), and then goes on to list ten things Obama could learn from Tiger:

1. The Quick Recovery
2.The Cold Ferocity
3. How to Step on Their Necks
4. The Trouble with Compromise
5. The Value of a Few 'Majors'
6. Controlling the message -- and Spending
7. The Swing Change
8. Clothes the Deal
9. You've got to Deliver
10. The Danger of Looking Ridiculous

Put in prospective, the list is nothing short of hilarious. As most people know, Golf Digest is one of Tiger's sponsors, but one look at their website and you can see they're not pulling a CBS and putting a gag order out on Tiger talk. Golf Digest would have been best served to take their own advice from No. 10 as ridiculous is the only word to describe their publishing of this article.

Elin gives Tiger ultimatum

Given the recent rumors that Tiger has been pumping something other than his fist with contestant from the first season of VH1's Tool Academy Jiamee Grubbs, Tiger's wife has issued him a written ultimatum: Tiger he must attend season 3 of Tool Academy to learn how to properly treat a woman or she will leave him and allow him to break his friend Michael Jordan's record for most expensive divorce. Elin said that she thinks this will add a quirky twist to a story that for Tiger fans seems like a strange nightware.



















The body of Jaimee Grubbs' former boyfriend and Tool Academy contestant Shaun with the head of Tiger.

Doug Barron before and after PEDs

Before Doug Barron became the first golfer suspended for violating the Tour's drug policy, he was best known for removing his shirt to hit a shot that would have otherwise soaked his shirt in dirty lake water.

By the looking at Barron's shirtless body in 2006 and comparing it to today, you don't need a test to show you that this man is on PEDs.

2006 Shirtless Doug Barron

















2009 Shirtless Doug Barron

John Daly Fact

John Daly shot 80 or higher 54 times on tour ...

Why do you think that is?

It's Street Fighter II at the Presidents Cup

At Presidents Cup Sunday, Ryo Ishikawa and Kenny Perry are giving us a classic Street Fighter II rematch we thought we left in the 90s.

RYO VS KEN


Pictured here on the docks in California, Ryo fires a hadoken at Ken. If the hadoken connects, he will likely follow it up with a shoryuken and possibly a corner-trapping barrage of various fierce kicks.

Flash Forward to the 2016 Olympics

After more than a century on the sidelines, it was announced today Golf will make its return to the Olympics in 2016. Tiger has announced that he will play given he is not already retired.

Brandt Snedeker Collapse at BMW Championship

Brandt Snedeker is going to go home and have himself a good cry (again) after this one ...

Brandt Snedeker is all thumb

The commentators at the BMW Championship exposed a certain quirkiness in Brandt Snedeker's takeaway Saturday:












In this picture Snedeker's backswing has actually started, and his right thumb is completely removed from the club.

But even Johnny Miller would agree ... One thumb is better than toe thumb:

Stray bullets after the PGA Championship

• With all the talk of Tiger choking it's worth noting that Y.E. Yang's pressure putting was tested on the green at 17. He did what many would refer to as a choke job, but it will never get noticed because Tiger didn't capitalize.
• Expect Lerner, Cellini, Tilghman and Sands to ware out the phrase "Tiger Slayer" over the next week.
  
• This is the second week in a row that a sculled short-sided lob into a water hazard removed Padraig Harrington's chances on Sunday.
• Many will jokingly blame the pinkish hue in Tiger's shirt for the loss.
  
• Rory McIroy finished T3 at age 20.
  
• Watching Tiger Woods have to putt for par on 18 (and miss) after Yang had already dropped the birdie for the win was an awkward sight to say the least.
  
• As expected, Tiger was kind of a dick during the post round press conference.
  

Article from Vail Mountaineer 8.5.09

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Tiger Woods Farts - "Let it release a little bit more"

Check out the new element to Tiger's preshot routine. Faldo describes it perfectly ... "You just got to try and let it release a little bit more." It's unclear if it was actually Tiger, but that stomp just before the release points to Tiger.

Article published in the Vail Mountaineer 7.30.09

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Giant penis crashes American Century Celebrity Championship golf tourney

If they can show one on the cover of a Disney Movie, why is a giant penis on live TV a problem?

It was enough of a problem for a cop to tell the girls ”they might as well have a sign that says stupid bachelorette party ” and that they are all ”stupid dumb girls.”

Oh Snap! That cop has got zingers for days!

This incident happened on the 17th at Edgewood Tahoe, and Michael actually thought it was funny.

It's true that no bachelorette party is complete without a giant inflatable penis, but thanks to one heads up golf watcher, that picture made its way to the internet and for that we thank you.

UPDATE: Could this giant inflatable penis been responsible for giving this woman the idea to accuse Ben Roethlisberger of rape at last year's Tahoo celeb tournament? Picture it: She's watching the tournament on TV, dead broke, thinking about her consensual sex with Roethlisberger the year before, when she sees this giant weiner trying to force its way around the course and, Eureka! Rape it is ...

THANKS TO THE AUTHORITY ON SPORTS GOSSIP -- SPORTSBYBROOKS.COM FOR POSTING THESE PICTURES

Nike to confiscate tapes of Tiger's British Open

Due to Tiger Woods' poor performance at this year's British Open, Nike is attempting to confiscated all tapes containing shots from his rounds in order to save Tiger from any further embarrassment.

Nike is particularly concerned with holes 8-13 on Friday where Woods played the worst six hole stretch of his professional career.

An representative from Nike said, "It's not as bad as getting dunked on by someone attending your basketball camp, but we can't be too careful with our top athletes nowadays."











Tiger Woods hangs his head on the 18th green Friday while Nike execs struggle to confiscate all recordings of the round.

Cold Top: Ben Crenshaw scalps it into water

It's rare to see a tour professional (much less a two time major champion and former Ryder Cup captain) hit a cold top, straight duff, or dead shank, but when they do, you can count on The Green Blazer to capture it. Crenshaw hit his next shot into the water also, ruining an otherwise stellar round of golf.

Captures and Captions: Vijay's new putting grip

In between hitting thousands of range balls, and attempting to bailout his piece of shit crook friend Allen Stanford, Vijay Singh found time to make yet another change to his putting grip.

When it comes to the putting grips of the game's top players, there should be no surprises nowadays. Singh reinforced that notion at the AT&T National on Thursday by debuting a cross-handed grip on his belly putter with a dash of claw. Don't be surprised if he adds a SuperStroke prototype to the mix next week ...























Vijay has made more putting grip changes than perhaps anyone in the game. Now he has decided to combine every grip change he has ever made into a single supergrip.

I'll show them: Drunk golfer heads home

Thanks to JBL who chopped this hilarious article from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and sent it over.

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Article published in the Vail Mountaineer June 11th, 2009

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The Green Blazer explains stack and tilt on Yahoo Answers

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Donald gives Faxon a stroke a hole

A number of players shot rounds in the 80s at the first round of the Memorial. These players aren't exactly notables, but they're not no-namers either (aside from Chappell at 86; no one has heard of him). Had Luke Donald given Brad Faxon a stroke a hole, he still would have won.

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You know the course is a dump when ...

They charge more to play the simulator than the actual golf course on golfnow.com











Thanks to Green Blazer Corps member Pjohnstonian for submitting this picture
Dig through the archive for more entries in this recurring segment

Column from Vail Mountaineer - 5.3.09

This article ran awhile back, but Daly is still dressing like a flaming Euro, so it's relevant.

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New hybrid golfing sensation ... Rory Maccatini

The Golf Channel asked today, "Which Rory will win the Byron Nelson Classic tomorrow ... Sabbatini or Mcilroy?"
Rumor has it, the two combined to make a new golf superstar who will take down the Nelson will ease ... Say hello to Rory Maccatini

Tom Kite sexing up photo collage

The Blazer had a nice laugh upon seeing the photo collection pgatour.com used for its piece titled, "Texas Wedges." This image shows all the winners of the Byron Nelson Classic that are from the Lone Star state. All the images show the golfer in a nice, classic finish position ... Except one.

For Tom Kite, they chose the googly eyed down syndrome looking pic. This shot is evidence why in his heyday, Kite was known as golf's foremost sex symbol.

Play on player Stenson

You can be guaranteed The Golf Channel will be stroking Henrik Stenson off all this week following that bogey free 66 to win the Players. So as much as The Green Blazer thinks Stenson is a badass, he will do the opposite of the sycophantic suck-ups at Golf Channel show this video of Stenson:

You know you're a hack when ...

You ask the question, "How do I backspin it?"

On the occasion that the Blazer gets paired up with a hack, the hack will invariably ask how to put backspin on the ball.

After years of hackatural selection, this question has become an automatic response of a hack seeing a playing partner's ball check up after landing on a green.

The Green Blazer's explanation of backspin took years to perfect, but now we have it nailed down perfectly and condensed it into a simple three part answer.

1. Try not sucking -- When you suck, spinning a ball becomes increasingly difficult unless in the form of a bionic slice.

2. Don't use Pinnacle Gold -- Even though the hack, "likes the yellow ones" the rock hard cover of a Pinnacle or Top Flite XL will not produce much spin. (note: The Blazer is not advising hacks to go out and spend their hard earned wages on a $50 box a golf balls. Due to a horrible motion, hacks likely won't get any more juice from a Pro V1 than from their current choice of ball).

3. Make solid contact -- Putting backspin on a ball when you're chucking, topping, or toe shanking every shot is a difficult task.
------------------------------------------------------------

This three part answer will quickly silence most hacks. Granted, G Blaze could do like most golfers and pad his own ego by giving the hack a detailed explanation of shaft lean at address and how to strike it on a descending blow, but even if the hack can decipher the information, he certainly won't be able to apply it.

Until next time, this has been another edition of "You know you're a hack when ..." Feel free to search the archives if you're interested in reading previous editions of this recurring segment.

If the hacks didn't play them, who would?

Article from the Vail Mountaineer 4.5.09

Start your own Footjoy Classics Biz

As most have heard, Footjoy is closing the plant responsible for making the sought after, and very expensive, Footjoy Classics.

Classics will no longer be in the Footjoy line going forward. This is unfortunate for all as we can no longer browse through FJ catalogs and dream of all the pairs of Classics we could have if only we could afford them/quit being too cheap to pull the trigger on unnecessary extravagances.

Where there is misfortune, there is also opportunity. The Green Blazer has made the point before, if there is any appreciating golf equipment/apparel, it likely comes from Acushnet products. So why not grab ahold of some of the great deals on Classics, buy the lot, wait for the price to rise, and sell them back on ebay for more than you paid to rich golf nerds who likely can't break 90? Only time will tell if the going rate exceeds the $199/pair.

Golfsmith doesn't like Sergio's chances, neither does the insurer

If Sergio Garcia wins the Masters, Golfsmith is promising a full refund for anyone who buys an R7, R9, or Burner driver by April 11th.

This is hilarious because they make it out to the public that they think the Serge has little chance of victory. The more perceptive public knows that they took an insurance policy protecting them from paying out millions if Sergio somehow finally gets it done in a major. The policy is similar in nature to the hole-in-one policy from your local charity outing, which we all know is ridden with hacks, and we all also know that one of them occasional hits a miracle.

How much would this policy have cost Golfsmith if they insured themselves against Tiger winning?

Article from Vail Mountaineer 3.28.09

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Captures and Captions: Gore attacks sandwedge then attacks sandwich

As one of the streakiest newer players on the PGA Tour, we all know Jason Gore's range of scores are wider than he would like. Now thanks to a horrible picture the Blazer nabbed totally without permission from Yahoo Sports, Gore's midsection range seems to be widening too:

FAT EVEN IN BLACK: Jason Gore has always looked like if you poked him with a pin, juices would run out resembling that of a pork sausage, but Gore is looking especially fat in this picture at Bay Hill on Thursday.

Article from Vail Mountaineer published 14 Mar 2009

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Remembering a cool, calm Tiger at Doral in 2008

Below is a video from the the 2008 CA Championship where Tiger snapped after a camera click in his downswing. The quote isn't in the video, but it was said to be:

''The next time a photographer shoots an fucking picture, I'm going to break his fucking neck.''

Last year, The Blazer wrote a hilarious post that we (of course) still stand by.

Tiger will head back to Doral for his first stroke play event since his surgery, and he may deliver a flying knee to the side of a photog's dome if they break his concentration again.

GREEN BLAZER SPECIAL REPORT: Michael Phelps reading Green Blazer while green blazing!

We had heard Phelps was an avid reader, but now we have the proof (notice the computer in the background) . What better thing to do while blazing the green than checking out The Green Blazer's page. Thanks Micheal for your continued support, and keep the greens ablaze.

Article from Vail Mountaineer published 2.24.09

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Hoff ya go...

Charlie Hoffman lost last week's FBR in a playoff against the wildly popular Ken boy Perry. Hoffman is known on tour as a fashionless nerd, who stands out in an era where many of the young studs (and Steve Elkington) dress like some str8, right-on, no-worries bros. Hoffman's lack of style is exemplified in the pic below:

Adam Scott is pimping Kate Hudson, Lance is pissed

Every since The Green Blazer pierced the blogosphere and nabbed a regular byline in a real newspaper, we've been struggling to keep these articles poppin' every Sunday. We've made an agreement not to reproduce any printed articles onto our blog, but this week, we've got some action, so enjoy ...

Lance isn't actually pissed (reportedly), and Adam Scott is keeping it on the down low, but he is definitely pimping Kate Hudson.

Quote of the Week

"They're the Tiger Woods of pilots," passenger Matt Kane said of Sullenberger and co-pilot Jeff Skiles after an emergency water landing on the Hudson River.

Sullenberger made a split second decision to switch course and land the crashing plane down the Hudson river. Much like the unconscious split second decisions many golfers make to crash land their ball into a water hazard ... "Don't go right!"

No more no go on negotiating your club membership

Are you currently a member at a chincey, semi-private (otherwise known as public) golf course? Have you stopped bothering to call for a time on a weekday afternoon because you are 95 percent sure the course is filled with outing hacks?

If you answered yes to either of these questions, The Green Blazer has got some truth to drop on ya: Private clubs are suffering; now is the time to negotiate yourself a fatty deal! Follow the steps below and you'll never have to see an outing hack in a cutoff t-shirt again:

Which club is struggling the most: A sign is a sign
You should be able to gauge the clubs that are suffering by word of mouth and the level of desperation in the ads. A sign on the the fence that borders the busiest surrounding round is a good indication that they need new members. The Golf Club at Cape Cod in Falmouth, MA temporarily waived its $85,000 initiation to attract temporary members. That is not a move on an, "exclusive enclave," as they bill themselves, but would be a sick opportunity to sneak in.

Call the GM and make him aware of your interest
A GM at the brink of losing his job will cream his pants at prospective members contacting him. By calling and giving him your info, he may even contact you, sweetening the deal if you haven't reached out to him in a while.

Express discontent with one or more of the offerings
The club you are targeting likely already has a deal going, but they might be sugar coating it a bit, so ask questions and call them out on anything that sounds fishy. Maybe the club doesn't offer a cart membership, or maybe their minimums are too high. Whatever it is, make your contact at the club aware that hey ... That sucks. Sensing your discontent, the manager will often offer you something extra without you having to ask.

Do's and Don'ts in Negotiating your deal
Many GM's are up creek without a paddle, their job hanging on by a thread. Even so, most will not circumvent the clubs policy on the dues members pay. If you ask them for lower dues and no initiation, you'll likely end of gaining nothing and looking like a chince in the process. Initiation fees, however, can often be amortized over many years, so definitely tell your contact that you will not be able to pay the entire initiation the first year.

Guest Passes Glore
There is no end to the number of guest passes you can conjure out of a softy manager at a desperate club. If their deal offers 3, the minimum you should ask for is 9.

Start paying next year
If it is mid-season and you're ready, you should be able to work out a deal to get the rest of the current year for free. A great rule when negotiating ... If the incentive you are asking for doesn't show up on their books, they will be inclined to acquiesce to your request.












THERE'S NO GAMBLING AT BUSHWOOD!: Many country clubs are gambling away their exclusive reputation by offering screaming deals to new members. Some clubs are hurting so bad they can't even afford stick em' for their members grips.