B-Roll The Golf Channel a Cigarette

The Golf Channel ran a lengthy package Wednesday thoroughly expounding the long putter on Live From the PGA Championship. The piece was well detailed and showed myriad player reactions ranging from stuffy snob Monty denouncing it, to Tim Clark hinting that he would file a lawsuit for lost revenue if the putter was banned.

Golf Channel's abundant b-rolls usually roll by without the viewer giving them any thought. But, Wednesday one stood out:

Is that a Camel?

A history lesson for Golfnow.com -- Allan Robertson, Old Tom Morris, and the death of the feathery

Recently GolfNow.com has adopted an actor to play Old Tom Morris and act as a cover boy to their new marketing ploy. The TV commercials have various skits showing Old Tom playing the standard time traveler role, acting ignorant to the ways of modern day life.

He has various lines like, "Just a stone's throw from my wee stone house" and "I have yet to engage in a round of smacking the feathery."

It's crap. And thus ...

Tales from the Green Blazer Corps presents

Allan Robertson, Old Tom Morris, and the death of the feathery 

Before the time when the Green Blazer was the most sought after coat in the game of golf, it was the Red Jackets of St. Andrews that ruled the game.

Since its official inception as a golf club in 1754, all St. Andrews members donned red blazers with shiny brass buttons. The early Red Jackets were an entitled bunch of bureaucrats that trolled the links cursing at caddies, drinking whiskey and smoking tobacco from a pipe. They were a rude gang that the greatest golfer in Scotland, Old Tom Morris, did not take kindly to.

Old Tom did intend to make a profit off the red blazer crew, though, albeit in a much different way than golfnow is currently trying to make a profit off Old Tom. You see, Old Tom was in the club and ball-making business, and he had a shop in the town of St. Andrews. He had learned the trade from one of the most respected feathery makers in all of Scotland, Allan Robertson. Robertson was the first golfer ever known to ever break 80 for eighteen holes and was the best golfer in Scotland for much of his time. Robertson taught Old Tom everything he knew about golf, how to play it and how to profit from it.

After wood balls and before the gutta-percha, the golf ball of choice was a feathery. Featheries consisted of a leather casing crammed with goose feathers, which were softened by boiling. The ball was then knocked into shape and painted white.Ro

Stuffing a feathery wasn't an easy task. Robertson would tell young ball stuffers a likely true tale about a man dying after impaling himself when he slipped with all his body weight on a tool that stuffed the feathers into the leather casing. Morris worked at Robertson's shop as a young lad making featheries and fixing clubs.

Around 1850, the gutta-percha ball made its way to the home of golf. Gutta-percha is a kind of tree sap which golf ball makers would process and let harden in a ball shape before adding dimples to the surface. Allan Robertson detested the new golf ball and was nothing short of vehement in his support of the original feathery. Robertson even bought as many gutties as he could at one time only to set them ablaze in an attempt to keep the balls from reaching the public. 

One day when Old Tom was playing golf he ran out of golf balls and ask a playing partner if he could have one of theirs. They handed Tom a guttie, which he played for the remainder of the round. However when Allan caught wind that Tom had used a guttie, he denounced his friend and protege. The two had a falling out and Tom soon moved away to Prestwick to work at their club. Tom would eventually set up a shop making his own gutties, and selling them to the red blazers. It took a while, but even Allan gave into the guttie as he eventually had a guttie shop of his own. Recently a rare Robertson feathery sold at auction for $19,581. 
___________

So what's the history lesson to Golfnow.com? GolfNow depicts a version of Old Tom Morris that is at minimum 50-years-old, so he would not be "engaging in a round of smacking the feathery" and rather would be "engaging in a round of smacking a guttie."

Fake Old Tom Morris from the Golfnow.com commercials is looking glum because he hasn't yet engaged in a round of smacking a gutta-percha.

The UPSCup cometh ...

Poor FedEx. They're trying so hard with the whole social media thing. They've got a great opportunity to really promote their business with some promotional-yet-fun status updates, they've done a good job training their employees to like said updates when they post them, they've got their page tailored in a way that you cannot post complaints to their wall, but they just can't get around the damn comments! This week, all they wanted to do is write a harmless little Facebook post to plug their golf club shipping service, and they were bombarded with 85 complaints from angry FedEx users. 

Among the highlights:

Eric Linneman Ship clubs with FedEx? Not after you destroyed my prints last week folding in half a box that was clearly labeled "DO NOT FOLD".

Steve Phillips You can ship your golf clubs by FedEx. They may not get there on time, but they may get there eventually after they have sent them back to where they came from just for fun

Eva ELisabeth I don't care about golf. I want my package. Last time the package was left with my neighbor & I'm not neighborly.

Sam Shaw I wouldn't trust them with my golf clubs after this experience....I am still waiting, they now want me to stay home from work another full day

Becca Slatten i had to go pick up my packages!!! after ur driver told me "fuck u bitch"

Jon Pare Playing a little golf. Hopefully you're better at that than scheduling pick ups that never happen. FedEx sucks big time!

Amid a virtual torrent of negative feedback regarding bad service, FedEx is still using a portion of their limited resources to keep up a Facebook page. The page is routinely bombarded with a virtual torrent of negative feedback. 

So why, you may ask, are these people using FedEx if they're so disappointed with their service? A common theme is reflected in the comments to the golf club shipping post:

Azra Skye Freas I ususlly deal with UPS but the company I ordered it from goes through Fedex.

Janet Moran UPS is the better company but some of the time I don't have a choice due to the company from which I order.

A few savvy commenters were able to drive right to the heart of the issue. 

Alex Pelling How can FedEx monitor this site and take them selves seriously???

Keith Kerrigan How this organization is a $43 billion dollar company is beyond me.

And the funny thing is, every comment seen here came from just this one simple post about golf club shipping. Poor FedEx deals with hundreds of complaint comments from hundreds of different users every time they update their status. Between last year's FedEx driver caught on tape fiasco (which is up to nearly 9M views on youtube) and what we're seeing on their Facebook page, what we now know as the FedExCup will be the UPSCup in the time it takes them to make an overnight delivery. 

... Meaning, there's still plenty of time for FedEx to turn it around. 

Alex Pelling Iam 3 weeks into waiting for a guarenteed 3 day delivery!

The Dan Plan insults golfers everywhere

Dan McLaughlin

If a person that had never touched a golf club before told you that he was going to be on the PGA Tour with just five years of work, you would probably consider him or her egotistical and delusional, but that is hardly the attitude The Golf Channel and other media outlets have toward Dan McLaughlin and his Dan Plan.

The Golf Channel's "Golf in America" feature on Golf Central made an attempt at an inspirational piece Monday about The Dan Plan, a plan where a single 32-year-old quit his job to use what he describes as unlimited time and resources to make it to the PGA Tour in 5 years having never played a single round before.

The piece was painted as inspirational and might have been for some, but many real golfers were down right insulted.

"Who does this hump think he is?" asked Xtopher Woods, a well-respected plus two handicap from Oceanside, CA. "This guy reads a couple books, and now he thinks he can become a top stud with a mere 10,000 hours of dedication ... What a joke. This guy is a complete loser."

The 10,000 hours Woods is referring to is what The Dan Plan centers around. Dan believes that through 10,000 hours of "deep practice" or "deliberate practice" he can be one of the 250 or so golfers regarded as the best in the world. Although The Golf Channel didn't explicitly state how Dan came up with the plan, his fantastic notion likely arose after reading the hit book "The Talent Code."

In The Talent Code, Author Daniel Coyle came up with his own Dan Plan where he sought of talent hotspots and tried to discover what causes them. Not more than a quarter of the way through the book, Coyle coins the 10,000 rule where he specifically refers to deliberate and deep practice. Coyle spends much of the book discussing how talent his grown in the body in the form of of a substance that coats nerves called myelin, which grows fastest through deep practice identifying a particular thing to improve upon.

Although The Talent Code has many merits, the 10,000 rule isn't one of them as it applies to golf. It is highly unlikely that a young, athletic physical specimen from a warm state could successfully accomplish Dan's plan much less an admittedly non-athletic, 5'7", 145lbs 32-year-old from Portland who had never touched a club.













Looking like a hack: Dan McLaughlin putts in the rain at Broadmoor Golf Course in Portland, Oregon. Do these images look like the gear and putter a guy with "unlimited resources" would use?

On July 5th, 2011 Dan was 17 percent of the way through at 1700 hours, and the Blazer stopped by his blog to see how he was doing. Here are a couple highlights:

"Just a couple weeks ago I couldn’t miss from within 12o yards and was making crisp contact with pretty much every shot. But, then the golfing gods frowned and the hosel began leading the charge on too many occasions . . . "I’ve started hitting a bit too much grass in front of the ball, not a good habit to have, especially if you want to put some spin on the ball."

That's not exactly the words of a guy headed to the tour by his fall of 2016 target. In his latest post Dan talks about establishing a handicap playing from the "white tees" using only a 6-iron, 8-iron, PW, 56 degree, 52 degree and putter. Dan's instructor, Christopher Smith, was originally insulted by Dan's idea calling him "just another yahoo" but has since warmed up to it. He started Dan with putting and is slowly moving up the club length latter as the months go on. By the time he's half way to the tour, he may finally get to hit a driver.

Christopher's original feelings of insult seem like a more appropriate response from the avid golfer than the inspiring story The Golf Channel and others are now painting of The Dan Plan.

Follow Dan's quest for the card at thedanplan.com

Captures and Captions - Fumbling Buffoons

A panic stricken maintenance crew at the Atlanta Athletic Club fumble around trying to fix the damage caused by a mower less than 24hrs before the players hit the course for the PGA Championship.




One crew member couldn't help but take a break for a cell phone photo op.

The Green Blazer's journal

Green Blazer journal, sometime in the future...

They other day began much the same as any other. I awoke, enjoyed a cup of my special greenblazer tea made from st. andrews elephant grass and afganhi sativa, and began practicing my short game by hitting barefoot out of a bunker made of burning hot coals. I was just about to break for my afternoon Iron Byron massage (a massage in which an iron byron machine fires balls at your muscles from point blank range) when I got a phone call on my special greenblazer phone, which is rare because only Natalie Gulbis, Alice Cooper and my butler have the number and they all know better than to call me when I'm practicing.

"Hello, Blazelair. Yes, I will hold for Mr. Nicklaus."

It was Jack Nicklaus, probably wanting to reminisce on the days when we used to have a regular foursome with Ted Koppel and Bruce Lee.

"Hey GB, remember that one time you tried to hit over that dog leg and ended up burning down an entire forest?"

I was right. God, Jack Nicklaus can be so annoying these days.

"Yeah I remember Jack. At least I saved everyone from the blaze, you and bruce lee just sat there laughing it up like you were members of a live studio audience."

"We were Greeny B, or have you already forgotten your ugly little foray into bad ‘60s television."

He was right. They were members of a live studio audience for that miserable silver age Green Blazer television show. Fucking Jack Nicklaus and his constant reminiscing.

"How did you get this number?"

"Former President George W. Bush gave it to me, he said you told him he could give it out in an emergency."

At that moment I remembered about the time I traded President Bush my special blazenumber in exchange for the greatest golf joke of all time. But I was certain he couldn't have remembered it, or could he? We were playing a special match at the Camp David course as a part of his request in his first executive order. This was early in the term when I still responded to executive orders, before he started calling me there every time he needed a laugh, which ended up averaging out to a trip every three minutes or so toward the end. Early in the match I realized that he only had the capacity to harbor one thought at a time, when he forgot my name after I told him the joke about the pope and Si Re Pek. Upon hearing this joke he doubled over onto his hands and knees on the tee box and laughed for about three hours, before demanding that I tell him another. To shut him up I told him what I thought was the greatest golf joke of all time, but that only made him ask for and another, and another, and another, and it was getting really embarrassing because he was still on his hands and knees and he kept calling me "masterful blazer," which is normal, but in between his laughing all you could really hear was "master-er." When I was all out of jokes he told me there was one I didn't know and that he could make Rich Beem tell it to me in exchange for my emergency Blazenumber. I was so surprised that Rich Beem could possibly know something about golf that I didn't that I gave him the number without a moment's hesitation. He had Beem promptly sent to Guantanomo and tortured until he eventually gave up the joke, which turned out to be the first joke I had told to the president to get that whole thing started. "You can only call that number in emergencies," I told him, and he responded "I'll be the decider of what constitutions an emergency. Now watch this drive."

"Fine, Jack, what's the emergency," I finally asked Jack Nicklaus after he had been on hold for like 45 minutes while I thought about that first time I went golfing with former President George W. Bush.

"I'm having a clone of my former self made to play in a scramble against Tiger Woods, Jaquline Gagne and Kim Jong Ill, and I need to you to make sure nobody tries to interfere with it at the match."

Another goddamn clone? Jack Nicklaus just can't seem to get over his former self. This was like the 74th clone he's had made of himself since Tiger won the two grand slams in a row and passed him up in major tournaments won.

"Why would somebody try to interfere with the match?" I asked, certain Nicklaus was just paranoid again.

"Let's just say there is, I don't have to tell you everything."

I was starting to get the feeling Nicklaus wasn't telling me everything.

K.J. Choi shakes golf world with unprofessional antics

SATIRE - *Please read with an open mind as we love KJ just as much as everyone else. If you're somehow offended, we recommend you pick up an Onion once in a while.

While the momentum of the international golf scene continued its ascent to the forefront with South Korean born KJ Choi’s victory in the Players Championship Sunday, a dark cloud was cast over his performance with what golf analysts are claiming “shameless self-promotion” by Choi’s on-course behavior at the culmination of The Players Championship.

While in contention late on Sunday, Choi violated typical PGA Tour protocol by high fiving children, waving to boisterous individual supporters, and affectionately tipping his cap to galleries and fellow competitors. He followed up such unprofessional antics by warmly and affectionately embracing David Toms after besting him in a sudden-death playoff. Ken Venturi, a long time golf analyst whose racist undertones against Tiger Woods throughout the previous decade helped him achieve notoriety amongst “good ole boy” golf scum described it best with his following statements:

“To see a player behave in such a manner, touching women and children, smiling and making eye contact with the crowds, and uncharacteristically hugging David Toms after his victory, was completely disrespectful to American golf fans.”

A smug hug from Mr. K.J.: K.J. Choi embraces David Toms following his playoff win at the 2011 Players Championship Sunday. This was just one of many unprofessional late round antics that has the golf world up in arms.

The PGA tour agreed with Venturi, issuing huge fines for the nearly 300 high fives Choi eagerly offered to fans down the final four-hole stretch of the tournament. Tim Finchem, PGA tour commissioner, said the self-seeking personal touch Choi extended to his supporters was “embarrassing” and “shameful” behavior that indicates Choi’s egotistical and self-seeking nature. The Tour issued a prompt apology for the manner in which Choi attempted to separate himself from the frigid stiffness and corpse-like persona typically expected of PGA players in contention.

Additional ire was cast towards Choi after conducting his post victory interview in English. Fuzzy Zoeller scoffed at the “despicable motives” of Choi to draw attention to the blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth manner in which Choi diligently learned the language and culture of a nation in which he competes regularly.

Kim Jong Il, noted North Korean terrorist who is not even from the same country as the well-industrialized South Korea, summarized the thoughts on this controversy by issuing the following statement:

"I am glad that the North Korean people cannot claim ownership of this extremist. I would hate to think of the world ramifications of people thinking that Korean people are capable of acting in such respectful and congenial ways. I will work diligently to rebuild the Korean image in the future, and am more determined than ever to invade South Korea and force my destructive views upon such a confused society.”

Speak of the week - Friend zone

Next time you're playing match play and your opponent lags their putt up to 3-4 feet, instead of remaining silent or saying something like, "I got to make you putt it" tell them it's out of your Friend Zone. This zippy phrase can alleviate any awkwardness about making them putt what might be considered a gimme in some circles.

Awkwardness is also the number one cause for men falling into the friend zone with a woman they are pursuing, the zone a man never wants to find himself in. The zone where all his friends trash talk him for his weak, pointless pursuit to what will certainly be a disappointing finish.

In the Friend Zone: In match play, this putt would be considered part of the friend zone whereas a three footer against a known yipper might not be. This is the friend zone you want to be in.


In the Friend Zone: Ouch ... This is the friendship zone many lovable losers find themselves in but no man wants to be in. Women like to be in this zone though and almost all of them are convinced their male "best friend" for the past two years doesn't secretly want them.

You know you're a hack when ...

You forget to grab a scorecard so you write your 7s and 8s on the steering wheel of the golf car.


















Thanks to P. Johnstonian for this submission. Send your "You know you're a hack when ..." and "You know the course is a dump when ..." ideas to greenblazergolf@gmail.com

Seve Ballesteros was right

While most golfers are left.

It is widely understood that the right side of the human brain is responsible for creativity. The list of ways scientists have tried to prove this is extensive. One mad scientist developed a sort of thinking cap that uses magnetic pulses to stimulate the creative side of the brain and proved it worked using a series of before and after tests. People have developed superpowers after suffering head injuries that have given them the power to do seemingly impossible arithmetic, allowed them to know the day of the week for any day in history, or even enabled them to play an instrument at an advanced level the first time using it. Experts say this is due to increased activity in the right side of the brain.

When the word creativity is mentioned in golf, the golfer that comes to mind is Seve Ballesteros. He was the most right brained golfer in history. When you search his name on the internet, undoubtedly you will find endless testimonials of his shotmaking. Youtube is filled with highlight reels of Ballesteros hitting amazing shots from trees and bushes.

Although all of us might not be able to rip a three wood under a tree on our knees, thinking of the most creative golfer in history when facing a trouble shot is a great way to lower your scores and honor the late, great Seve Ballesteros.

To honor the man and the great things he did in golf, The Green Blazer is urging all golfers to think outside the box next time you're faced with a difficult shot. If your shortsided from a mud lie, maybe the best shot isn't to try and strike a lob wedge perfectly (which can often lead to a compound fracture).

With this in mind, The Green Blazer would like to introduce a new concept: WWSD (What would Seve do). Anytime you find yourself in trouble, think WWSD to lower your scores and increase your fun on the golf course.

Big breaks and big laughs for Oren Geri

The newest season of Golf Channel's The Big Break hasn't even started yet and already one of the contestants is racking up quotations, each worthy of its own tweet.

Oren Geri, who served in the Israeli military before moving to the states to fulfill his dreams of playing professional golf, told it like it is during The Big Break, Indian Wells 30 minute preview:

• "Golf has pretty much ruined my life"
• "My apartment is a dump"
• "If I'm not playing in tournaments, I'm playing with rich people for money. To them it's not a lot of cash, to you it's a month's salary. There's no way to sugarcoat it, you're basically a golf prostitute."
• "My journey chasing golf happiness has pretty much ruined my life"
• "My apartment is pretty much I would say one of the lowest forms of living."

The Big Break has had many characters over the years. Blaze's favorite is of course Brian Skatell, and it's a damn shame we don't have a comprehensive list of his quotes during the two season's he served. Well Oren will certainly be bringing the truth in the 15th season of The Big Break, hopefully one of the other ten contestants, can provide Skatellike entertainment.

The 15th season of The Big Break premiers May 16 at 9:30 p.m. est.

Speak of the week - Compound Fracture

Kelly Tilghman busted out her very own Speak of the week when she used "compound fracture" to describe a golfer adding to his problems after a bad shot.

She almost certainly had the phrase written down to use sometime during the broadcast and found her opportunity to bust it out. Next time your buddy tries to hit a knockdown four iron through some trees and clips a overhanging limb, bust out compound fracture and make Kelly Tilghman proud.

Furyk tries to penalize self, denied by officials

SATIRE

In order to save face during a rough final round at the Heritage last Sunday, Jim Furyk attempted to call a penalty on himself but was denied by PGA Tour rules officials.

"It moved!" Furyk pleaded.

"Oh no you don't Jim," said the official. We know it just oscillated. Nice try."

"Alright fine ... I'll just move on with my round now."

The bitter defending champion then hastily hit his pitch and eventually carded 76, his highest score in his last 33 rounds at Harbortown.

Penalizing yourself has become very trendy lately, and the respect Brian Davis got for alerting an official after he nicked a reed at the 2010 Heritage was fresh in Furyk's mind. Furyk later admitted the attempt was not only to save face for this tournament but to put a permanent mark on his career as well.

"That's the one thing missing from my record," he said. "I've got a Major, $10 Million for the FedEx Cup, and if I could get a memorable penalty or DQ that would make all the difference for my career. It could put me over the edge for the World Golf Hall of Fame ."

Furyk tees it up next at The Players Championship May 12-15

Speak of the week - Clown's mouth

Next time your partner needs to make one, instead of telling him to "knock it in" or "put it in the back" bust out a clown's mouth. "Alright Jim we need this one, roll it right in the clown's mouth."

The Green Blazer's Sunday Smorgasbord - Congrats to Brandt Snedeker!

The Corps are happy for Brandt Snedeker, a player that seems to have his game back in gear. But, while everyone else will be talking about Snedeker's high points, we thought we showed some low ones leading up to this win.