Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tiger "New Endorsement" posts were never funny

... and now they're getting more played out than Hip Hoppers 'keeping it real.'

So in the spirit of keeping it real, G-Blaze made a vow with himself to never come up with his own clever version of a satirical "Tiger's new endorsement" post.

Instead, we will go ahead and review some bloggers' ideas of a funny post in order of how obvious and stupid they are. note -- If you think these are funny, you probably don't have a very good sense of humor.

-- This one is certainly the stupidest. Any idiot could come up with this, but I'm sure the douchebag who posted it was very proud of his tag-line and photoshop work. Finding the original poster of any of these is nearly impossible because they were so highly circulated by email forwarding baby-boomers.
























--
Most would enjoy watching Tiger smack the smirk off this next artist's face with a with a hard 6-iron.


-- Don't know if this one qualifies as an endorsement deal post, but we will include it anyway. This artist certainly just heard the oversized head, stiff shafted wood joke for the first time and found it so funny he just couldn't resist himself.

























-- The Lays endorsement post is certainly the most clever one that we came across, but the conspicuousness of the idea outweighs the urge to chuckle, so do your best to resist.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Green Blazer's morning with Tiger

10:40 am EST -- The Green Blazer awakes after a 12 hour online poker session that lasted until 5:00am ... Another all-too-familiar final table bubble that pays so much less than the effort is worth.

10:45 am -- The robust Italian espresso pours out of GB's DeLongHi machine into a stainless steal cup. Espresso is GB's newest vice -- much different from Tiger's vice that he is about to apologize for.

10:50 am -- GB turns on The Golf Channel to catch the last 10 minutes of their Tiger Woods speech pregame. I still chuckle at the idea of a speech pregame. The Golf Channel reports that the Golf Writers Association are boycotting the speech. I think that many of them will now look back at that decision with regret.

11:00 am -- I switch channels to NBC because I wasn't 100 percent certain The Golf Channel would actually have the speech live, and I didn't want to miss a single word. I should have known better.

11:02 am -- Tiger emerges from backstage and the NBC commentator is cutoff mid-sentence by another broadcaster.

11:03 am -- Tiger starts to speak quite robotically from the sheet of paper in front of him. He seems more nervous and awkward than I ever remember seeing him. The first thing I notice is his receding hairline. It was always there, but it probably dropped back a full inch in the last few months.

11:07 am -- Something goes wrong with the feed and the screen goes dark for a moment. The audio stays intact. When the visual returns, it is from a side profile and will remain that way for the rest of the speech.

11:09 am -- Tiger does the first thing that I didn't expect and he admits that he thought the normal rules didn't apply to him. "I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them." I thought this was the best part of the speech.

11:11 am -- Tiger asked the media to "please leave my wife and kids alone." He is wasting his breath.

11:12 am -- I'm surprised to hear Tiger talk about his religion. I never knew he was a Buddhist.

11:15 am -- Tiger's speech ends and he walks down from the podium to hug his mother. I still wonder if the rumors of his father's infidelity are true. We will likely never know for sure, but my intuition says yes.

11:16 am -- Tiger then moves towards his wife Elin's family. He hugs her mother. I still think the family is somewhat enamored by his presence. This will likely never go away. He does a sort of handshake/hug to two younger guys who I assume are Elin's brothers. They do not seem angry at him.

11:17 am -- I switch back to The Golf Channel as I like listening to Brandel Chamblee better than any other non-golf commentators.

11:18 am -- Charlie Rymer begins to talk and you can see the tears building in his eyes. His bottom lip starts to quiver and he can't seem to hold the tears in. I laugh out loud at the idea of Rymer crying after Tiger's speech. Rymer says that when he sees someone showing that much emotion it makes him emotional. I did not see the emotion in Tiger that Rymer speaks of until Tiger hugged his mother after the speech.

Brandel Chamblee takes Tiger's back on the highly scrutinized speech timing. He says that he was watching Paul Casey and Sergio Garcia criticizing Tiger on CNN and notes that Accenture's logo was plastered behind them -- an advertisement they wouldn't have gotten had Tiger not chose this time. Chamblee also notes that Tiger's speech was scheduled hours before the Match Play broadcast, and had Tiger really been trying to stick it to his former sponsor Accenture, he'd of held the speech during the coverage.

11:30 am -- Rymer's emotional response leads to The Green Blazer's first ever Twitter post.

*I don't know if either of these people were the pioneers, but I'd like to credit both Dan Peterson (ESPN) and Bob Smiley (Author of 'Follow the Roar') with the formatting idea of this post.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Taylormade's 'Find your lame' Project Burner promotion

Is the barrel full of old golf clubs in your garage in need of some more worthless crap? If so, Taylormade's new promotion will leave you and 19,999 others finding your 6 iron game by registering at Taylormade.

With so many golfers in need of new 6 irons, Taylormade is filling that void with their latest promotion -- Project Burner.

From Taylormade's fancy, difficult to navigate webpage:
"Project Burner is on a mission to replace obsolete irons. Over 133,000 golfers have switched to Burner making it the No. 1 selling iron ... Now it's your turn."

That's right ... Instead of just giving away 2,500 boring full sets, Taylormade is giving 20,000 people a chance to stick one oddball club in the bag. Make sure you head over to Taylormade and register soon or your chance to win some of Taylormade's purposeless scraps will be gone.




Since the 6 iron pictured here will serve no golfing purposes for you, try chopping it down and giving it to your local junior golf program or use it as a effective, convenient bludgeoning device.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Men around the globe lose respect for Fred Couples

Crowd favorite Fred Couples gave the Champions Tour a bump along with the world's biggest badass Tom Watson when the two had a memorable Sunday duel that put anything that the Bob Hope Classic could offer to shame.

Unfortunately for Freddie, he was deserving of a hard bitch slap when asked a what his favorite James Cameron movie was. As G-Blaze sat enjoying the coverage with billy in hand, the thought, "No Freddie ... please don't say it" came when the lackey posed the question. Freddie's answer: "Well I haven't seen Avatar, so I'd have to go with Titanic." Ouch ... He could have went with Terminator, T2, Rambo 2, Aliens, True Lies, but no ... He'd rather watch Leo leave his heart on the screen while tens of weeping women look on in amazement.

Hopefully Freddie can redeem his manhood again soon ... A few 340 drives at 50 years-old should do it.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Coursetrends trending towards hackiness

CourseTrends, a company that designs websites for golf courses all over the U.S., bills itself as, "The #1 provider of golf marketing solutions." They'll design a course's website, setup a a email marketing program, and claim that by using their sophisticated marketing system your course will generate a 400% return on investment.

It's amazing that so many courses will actually pay the ridiculous prices they charge for facilitating a website and auto-sending a couple emails a month. Upon trying to help our club settle on a new website solution, G-Blaze took a look at a typical website that's "Powered by Coursetrends." After one glance, I can tell you with utmost certainty that these are not real golfers behind this company. For proof, look no further than Exhibit A:









EXHIBIT A

This is a stock picture provided by CourseTrends for courses to use on their website. Nothing says golf like a hack waring a pair of $25 golf shoes placing hard, shiny white ball a top his step tee while waring a black baseball glove. If you're a golf course owner looking to "power" your website using Coursetrends, let G-Blaze be the first to suggest you don't get fooled.

Instead, go with a local brovider (a brovider is a bro that provides a skill set on the cheap as an alternative to a more expensive corporate provider). Coursetrends -- The #1 provider of Golf Marketing solutions from people who couldn't break 90 if someone was holding their families hostage demanding they do so ...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Daly, Wilson find groovy loophole

Dean Wilson digs through the barrel in his garage looking to bang the dust off his old Ping Eye 2 wedges. These wedges have box shaped grooves, the type of grooves that are illegal on the PGA Tour starting in 2010. But, While playing the Sony Open this week in Hawaii (pronounced Ha-wa-eeeeeeee), Wilson and John Daly are relying on a precedent set in the 80s where a court settlement said any Ping-Eye 2 made before April 1, 1990, remains approved under the Rules of Golf.

"That settlement still takes precedence over the new regulation," Dick Rugge, the USGA’s senior technical director, told The Associated Press.

Daly stopped by Ping headquarters in Phoenix, AZ on his way to Hawaii and surprised company officials by the number of old wedges he had found. He says he has eight or nine sets.

Even so, he asked Ping for a set of V-shaped grooves that he might use at Torrey Pines later this month.

"A golf course like San Diego, you want V grooves in your wedges because the greens are so soft,” he said. “Here, you want square grooves. I’ll probably go through the year switching a lot."

Wilson said he hasn’t tried to compare the spin rate on the Ping wedges with new clubs.

“I’m not so much concerned with the grooves as I am the design of the wedge,” Wilson said. “If it does create more spin, great. But I can’t tell you it honestly does.”

Daly said he first tried his old wedges when he played in Australia last month.



EXPECT THIS $225 STARTING BID TO BE THE EBAY NORM NOW ONCE GOLFWRX NERDS THAT THINK THEY'RE GOING PRO CATCH WIND OF THE RULE-JIMMY THAT REAL PROS ARE EXPLOITING

Friday, January 15, 2010

Tiger to smooth things over with Haiti relief

Billionaire golf mega-don Tiger Woods has not been seen or heard from since the night he redefined "Black Friday," but in a recent development the Tiger Woods Foundation will smooth over Tiger's infidelity with Haiti relief effort. The Foundation hasn't given an official figure yet, but if Russel Simmons' blow-up is on target, $3 million is the number.

Although this seems like a blatant yet benevolent attempt to gain pub-relations points, this isn't the first time Tiger's Foundation has helped relief efforts. Woods’ foundation gave $100,000 to tsunami relief efforts in 2004. It also gave the Baton Rouge Area Foundation $200,000 in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Federer Takes Woods' back

No. 1 tennis player says No. 1 golfer will be back at his best

Roger Federer recently received the No. 1 seed for tennis' first major, The Austrailian Open, and in a recent interview the world's best tennis player showed support for the world's best golfer.
Federer says he’s spoken to his friend Tiger Woods by phone and predicts he will be back soon “as the wonderful golfer we know.”

The tennis star said in an interview published Friday that Woods’ car accident in November and subsequent reports about his private life have been hard on the golfer and his family.
Federer told French sports daily L’Equipe that he expressed his support, and said Woods’ troubles were “instructive.”

“The tabloids are going crazy, sponsor contracts are falling apart. … I’ve always been aware that the image you patiently construct for an entire career can be ruined in a minute,” Federer said. “It scares you a bit, but that’s the way things are.”

Woods has not played since winning the Australian Masters on Nov. 15. Two weeks later, Woods world fell apart following a car crash that legitimized infidelity rumors.
Woods hasn’t been seen in public since the accident, and other friends have said they have unsuccessfully tried to reach him.

Federer did not say whether or not he is as dirty of a dog as Woods.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Is Golf Digest stupid or just lazy?

Although The Green Blazer hasn't subscribed to Golf Digest in years, for some reason they keep sending them. It could be from booking Golfnow.com tee times, or maybe they're sending them as a courtesy to stay on G-Blaze's good side. Either way, they pile up faster than our national debt.

Upon seeing the cover of the Jan/2010 edition, I quickly tossed it into the waste basket before even removing the plastic ... The cover is a joke (almost as laughable as Time magazine naming Ben Bernanke "Man of the Year.")

What better way to make people take notice than to come up with a fluffy story paralleling Tiger to Obama that allows them to put them both on the cover. "10 things Obama might learn from Tiger," the cover read. After some thought, I decided to pull the mag out of the trash and read the cover story for amusement.




Cover illustration By Michael Elins (Golf Digest actually gives credit for this crappy 5 min photoshopped cover they refer to as an illustration)










The story was clearly completed before the Tiger Woods scandal began, but the publication was released well after. The editor made no effort to even acknowledge the recent tribulations, or better yet, scrap the story altogether. Obviously the lazy hack had already put that month's edition to bed and, in classic "it's too late now" journalist style, decided to stay the course and go the complacent route.

The story starts by saying both men were defined by their fathers (Woods had more in common with Earl than most previously thought), and then goes on to list ten things Obama could learn from Tiger:

1. The Quick Recovery
2.The Cold Ferocity
3. How to Step on Their Necks
4. The Trouble with Compromise
5. The Value of a Few 'Majors'
6. Controlling the message -- and Spending
7. The Swing Change
8. Clothes the Deal
9. You've got to Deliver
10. The Danger of Looking Ridiculous

Put in prospective, the list is nothing short of hilarious. As most people know, Golf Digest is one of Tiger's sponsors, but one look at their website and you can see they're not pulling a CBS and putting a gag order out on Tiger talk. Golf Digest would have been best served to take their own advice from No. 10 as ridiculous is the only word to describe their publishing of this article.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Elin gives Tiger ultimatum

Given the recent rumors that Tiger has been pumping something other than his fist with contestant from the first season of VH1's Tool Academy Jiamee Grubbs, Tiger's wife has issued him a written ultimatum: Tiger he must attend season 3 of Tool Academy to learn how to properly treat a woman or she will leave him and allow him to break his friend Michael Jordan's record for most expensive divorce. Elin said that she thinks this will add a quirky twist to a story that for Tiger fans seems like a strange nightware.



















The body of Jaimee Grubbs' former boyfriend and Tool Academy contestant
Shaun with the head of Tiger.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Doug Barron before and after PEDs

Before Doug Barron became the first golfer suspended for violating the Tour's drug policy, he was best known for removing his shirt to hit a shot that would have otherwise soaked his shirt in dirty lake water.

By the looking at Barron's shirtless body in 2006 and comparing it to today, you don't need a test to show you that this man is on PEDs.

2006 Shirtless Doug Barron

















2009 Shirtless Doug Barron


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

John Daly Fact

John Daly shot 80 or higher 54 times on tour ...

Why do you think that is?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's Street Fighter II at the Presidents Cup

At Presidents Cup Sunday, Ryo Ishikawa and Kenny Perry are giving us a classic Street Fighter II rematch we thought we left in the 90s.

RYO VS KEN


Pictured here on the docks in California, Ryo fires a hadoken at Ken. If the hadoken connects, he will likely follow it up with a shoryuken and possibly a corner-trapping barrage of various fierce kicks.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Flash Forward to the 2016 Olympics

After more than a century on the sidelines, it was announced today Golf will make its return to the Olympics in 2016. Tiger has announced that he will play given he is not already retired.